Arrrgh my mum guilt tripping me about plans to return to work

[Choccyhobnob]

Just need a rant as my (D)M is making me feel like a bad mother before this little one is born! Basically she doesn’t think I can possibly go back to work in London once I have the baby as “you will never see your child” which she keeps repeating to me every sodding time I speak to her.

Whilst I admit it would be great if I could do what she did when we were kids (don’t actually remember what she did when we were babies, was prob a SAHM) but then she became a childminder when I was about 7 and my DB was born so she was always around and there were no childcare issues as such.

But that is not my life! I work in London and although I admit I pay a lot of money to commute, if I got a job nearer to home my salary would more or less be halved and I would STILL have to work 4 days a week anyway (just be 30 mins away from home rather than 90) and pay childcare whilst earning much less money?! She thinks I’m just being greedy and it’s all about the money (she can’t fathom how we couldn’t survive on DH wages – which is good, but I bring in almost the same, which to lose would make quite a difference!). I am going to try and get my work (where I have been for 9 years) to let me work 3 days in the office and one from home and then have baby with a relative for 2 days and nursery for 2 days. The 3 days I’m in London though I will be out from 7am – 6.30pm.

(FYI I only have to commit to this arrangement for 6 months before I can leave my job if it turns out it’s really not what I want)

Anyway, sorry it's long. I just wanted to get it off my chest before I kill her and hopefully be reassured that my baby is not going to be permanently damaged by me going back to work and that surely other mums do it and we’re not bad parents for doing so? Or am I going to be flamed for being a neglectful, greedy London worker?!

OP please do not fret!

I have been guilt tripped on here before (in the AIBU section!) because I am returning to full time work when my baby is 10 weeks old.
I've had the old "you shouldn't have had a baby if you can't afford to stay at home and look after it"

The fact is, it's my choice. I did exactly the same with my two older DC's, I have a good job with very good money, my child will be very well looked after and all of this helps towards a good future for my children!

My OH is a teacher so has 13 weeks a year at home with the children.

I do not feel or allow any guilt, because I am the one who decides what is best for my children and not anyone else

FYI I work in London and commute 45 mins each way

Thank you all. Treadsoftly don't worry DH isn't a complete arse he is a Sales Director and so his weeks are never the same from one day to the next. One week he might be working from home every day, one week he will be travelling to a meeting somewhere in the country or actually in meetings in his office (approx. 70 miles away). So it's tricky in one sense that it will be hard to plan but he will be doing nursery pick ups and drop offs etc.

Honestly though I think he does think the childcare is more on me (or his mum!) as he insists he doesn't get a say over what he will be doing and so I won't be able to rely on him to do set days and times etc. Doesn't help that he's only been at his job for 2 weeks so doesn't have the flexibility/relationship I have with my job.

Sounds like he has a way to go in terms of his attitudes then . He can and should seek more flexibility from his employer, before you return to work.

I take it that his mum has offered to do the "two days with a family member".
Two weeks in is no time to be appearing to make demands but I think you need to make it clear to him now that you expect him to be doing drop off's every morning on your 3 office days if you are going to leave at 7am or earlier and be out the door of your office sharp at 5pm. If he works in Sales he's potentially got a bit more discretion with his start time [ie. meetings are unlikely to happen before 9/9.30am but could very easily be finishing at 6pm, 50 miles away from home.

He can't have it both ways unless you employ extra help and he also needs to understand that if he takes the piss with his mum then the free childcare could dry up pretty quickly. Yes, it's difficult to plan but not that difficult and your relationship with your employer will break down pretty quickly if you are the one who is doing all the running at both ends of the day.

You haven't had the baby yet, and you will presumably take 6 months plus holiday accrued [or use it to stagger your return to 3 days a week which can be enormously helpful] at a minimum so he'll have bedded into his new job nicely by then. He needs to be master of his diary by then

Tell her to mind her own business. I don't know when it became appropriate to stick your nose soooo far into someone elses private childcare affairs! "Given that I've already said it's happening and we have very little choice about it, what is it you're hoping to achieve my constantly nagging us (me?) about it?" is what I'd say I think.
For what it's worth op you're not alone. I'm a SAHM and my decision was received very negatively by my dad and some seriously raised eyebrows by PILs. You really can't win so I'd stop trying and go your own way.

My DM is making me feel like I'm personally undermining a century or so of feminism by considering cutting back or giving up work. Can't win!

I suggest exploring various types of childcare - maybe nanny would be more suitable to start with, so your baby is cared for at home in his routine, rather than long hours in nursery. It is more expensive, but you can look at nanny share options. Or local childminder. You don't need to decide now - you will feel better what is right when baby is here, but I'd say keep your mind open...

I totally sympathise as my mum is doing the same to me at the minute!
I'm just going off on Mat leave this week. I'm planning on going back to work on either 3 or 4 days. I need to go back as we can't manage on one wage and I also have a professional registration to maintain. Its so different for us compared to years ago as we have to think of the effect on our careers long term.

My DM is really getting on my nerves, my baby is IVF and we ttc for 5 years. Instead of just being happy for us she keeps trotting out little gems like "I can't believe you are going to pay other people to look after your baby after everything you've been through. I thought you really wanted to be a mum" talk about a guilt trip!!

It doesn't help that my DSis is a stay home mum. What really annoys me is my Dsis hated her job and was she was over the moon when she got pregnant and finished work at 5 months pregnant. I really hate being compared to her all the time as our situations are so different.

I'm doing my best to ignore my mum at the minute as she just can't see my point of view and I'm sick of arguing!

Oh my God cupcakes that so sounds like something my mum will come out it with sooner or later! lol

If woh is the best for your family go for it! Some ppl are happy to sah and that is fine. Others dont and that is fine as well. As long as your baby is well cared for and you spend quality time together i dont see any problem at all. It is the 21st century ffs.

My mum was a wohm which i knew was unusual but it didnt bother me. Actually it was kind of cool when i was older and came to appreciate how achieved she was.

I didnt get this negative reaction from family members but during maternity leave at playgroups etc some mums would give me the weirdest looks when i said that i was looking forward to get back to work.