Unplanned pregnancy with third child, fiancée not happy.

[Mimitheminx4]

Hi all

I found out Friday that our contraception has failed and we are six weeks pregnant. It has come as a complete shock to me and my boyfriend as we have two small children already-one is three and a half and one is 19 monthes-and we are getting married in September, with a booked holiday afterwards.
At first his reaction was to laugh and joke about it, now he is angry and won't look at me even though he acknowledges that this Is my fault. He has always been happy and fully supportive of our first two pregnancies even though they were both difficult (I miscarried two whilst pregnant with our first and was assigned to bed rest, I was very worried second pregnancy so highly anxious and suffered panic attacks, although my work was unsupportive so probably why).
I am in a state of shock-this was not in my plans either but the worry of money and looking like a blimp in a wedding dress is not enough of a reason for me not to continue with this pregnancy, they are selfish reasons.
I have tried to relieve his worries-firstly being money, and I have just found out we are entitled to child tax credit so this will help. I am self employed but mainly work in the evenings so I will be able to continue doing so, and will only take two weeks off for maternity leave as shared leave is not an option-oddly before he said if it did happen again he would take shared leave so I could work. I am petrified as I have spent a year building a business I love and don't want to lose, and have two small children that I am trying to be the best mummy too, I am not sure how to give 'more'.
We recently had a weekend in Paris alone and really enjoyed each other's company and I realised how much we need to make time for each other.
He is saying he doesn't want this baby and wants me to have an abortion. He is adamant he does not want it and then yesterday he said if I pursue the pregnancy, he will love the baby but he will not help me when it comes and won't look after it whilst I work. I feel he is being selfish, he feels I am. He is a fantastic father to our children and does the majority of the housework, as well as working 45 hours + a week to provide for us. He gets up for work at half four everyday, and says he can't do another lot of sleepless nights, even though he never had too (I breastfed and to my knowledge he always slept through) and if I want to see him reach breaking point because he is already knackered, this is the way to do it. He has not hugged me, I feel really alone and just a bit gutted.
My mum has guessed and is overjoyed, although I have asked her not to she has told my brother who started shouting about how I can't afford it and need to look after myself, and is worried about the pregnancy on my body. I am generally a healthy size 14-15 and am tall and fit so don't understand this. I am worried what everyone will think and say and I am worried I will not be happy. I have had depression on and off over the years and am at risk of PND which I want to avoid if possible. I am so confused but I know I will regret having an abortion and beat myself up about it so for me it isn't really an option.

Sorry he acknowledges that this isn't my fault x

I am not sure what advice to give so this post is just for support. Do you sense he might come round?

I think in my heart I know he might, he will love the baby. I am worried about him being supportive to me during this pregnancy-I'm really busy with my work so cannot afford to have a hard time with it such as my previous two. I am sure he will come to scans, I am worried about telling people and him being unhappy. I don't want him to resent me and for it to cause problems in our six-year relationship or change the way he feels about me, although he knows it is not something I can do (an abortion). He is now angry with my mum as well, for being so happy about it and he feels she has talked me into this. In a panic I called bpas on Friday but cried as doing so because I know it isn't really what I want to do. I have never cared about what people think until now, I think the pressure of self employment/getting married and the thoughts of failure make me worried. X

It sounds like one for Relate to me.

Gosh. This sounds awful for you. But congratulations on the pregnancy... If he were happy about it, how would you be feeling? Tbh this is just as much his responsibility as yours, contraception is not just up to you. If he really, really didn't want to have more children could he not have used condoms or has a vasectomy? Regardless of that, he sounds like he needs some support in coming round to the idea.

Personally I would not be considering marrying someone who was treating me like this. He says he'll let you have the baby, but won't help, knowing you've suffered with depression in the past and are a high risk for PND? This is really concerning. His behaviour sounds irrational. I second the idea of counselling - if he won't go, you must go for yourself.

Whilst you are both responsible for creating this life, you are both responsible for raising them too and if I'm honest it sounds like you are both under immense pressure already-you with your new business and your OH with already working so many hours including leaving early in the morning and you're both trying to plan for a wedding. I understand your reasons for continuing with the pregnancy in terms of the emotional consequences of a termination but I also empathise with your OH who is probably internally panicking thinking how is he going to be able to do even more to provide for an extra person as well as support you. Unfortunately instead of talking rationally about his worries he is being classic bloke and saying stupid things which I do not condone but am trying to see beyond the words and look at the reasons behind them. Now you have broken the news, I think you need to take yourselves away and sit down to talk about this open,y and honestly trying not to get angry with any view expressed. This has to be a decision where you both understand the other persons view even if you don't agree with it. Address concerns about money, talk about what support you will need and where you might get it (maybe relying solely on your OH this time isn't realistic due to all the other commitments, so who else could you speak to), discuss the practicalities of juggling work, business, childcare with a newborn. And don't tell anybody else or discuss this further with your mum or brother until you and your OH have a better idea of how this will work for you as a family. Your family mean well but as you've already discovered they have wildly diffenent views about this pregnancy which won't ultimately help you at the moment and will only add an extra layer kf stress.

Good luck and don't be afraid to use external support to help facilitate those difficult conversations.
X

you are both responsible for this baby being conceived , he needs to get that into his head. hes being very cruel to you.

Mimi, sounds like your first few weeks of pregnancy are being really tough!

Many couples do change their perspective vastly from the initial panic... There's lots of stories of this on mn. I hope this is the case for you too.

I do think its unfair of your partner to try to pressure you to have a termination by withholding help and practical support when the baby comes. That is a recipe in my view for pnd. As is planning to return to work after 2 weeks.

It doesn't sound like either of you has the capacity the way things are to care for another person: you are already taken up so much with caring for 2 little ones and being self employed, and he is working long hours and taking care of the house... You will need to negotiate a different routine to make this work, perhaps taking advantage of some external support (ie your mum, although it might work better if you allow your bf to arrive at this idea himself)

Your bf may not have had his sleep disturbed as much as you, but he might have felt that the impact sleepless nights had on you changed things for him too, (common effects which he might have felt might be for eg: you needed to nap at other times, were tired and less chirpy than usual, weren't able to have a previous level of intimacy at night time.) have a conversation about this, and ask him to describe what he thinks it will be like. You sound like you don't accept that your struggling affects him, but the reality is that it has and does.

I don't mean to be picking holes in what you are saying: don't get me wrong. I think he is wrong to threaten you with withholding support to try and get you to agree to a termination. But the communication between you needs to be of a quality that allows him to share his fears and not have them dismissed if he is going to get over his panic and the 2 of you are going to work together as a team.

Good luck.

He's being selfish and panicking. But, I think he might well come round. A relative did this with his last child, but he got used to the idea and now he's the apple of his eye. It took him a couple of months to come to terms with it. Chin up, it will get better x

Sorry, that sounded flippant. I can totally understand your sorrow. I just meant stay strong. You can't have an abortion as you don't want one. Other people won't judge you, three children under 4 isn't that unusual. Any negative comments just say 'they were meant to be'.

I'm the 3rd child that wasn't wanted and boy did I know it. It has had a life long effect on me. Never ever let anyone think that this one isn't wanted. Instead, it is a magical miracle that has come along to add joy to your lives (even your dp will see this is months to come).

Popalot, I think this child will feel more or less of a miracle depending on how much support her mother gets in bringing her up. It's nice to know that these scenarios can develop I to something much happier, but I think that quite a bit of quality communication needs to take place for this to happen.

This sounds hard but I think he will come around in time. Maybe it would help if you are proactive with him over how you can save money, what contraception to use after the birth. What extra help you can get etc. You older two will have some free time at school/nursery.

Hi

Thanks everyone. The anger seems to have gone for now and he is speaking to me normally, asking me about the child tax credit we will get that we didn't know we are entitled too. I've been out with the children most of the day so its given him some time to mull things over. I think he will be fine-he is like the Pied Piper of children so I know it will be okay, I think it is just accepting that this wasn't our plan, but sometimes the best things in life aren't planned. He is going away next weekend for his stag so hopefully he will have time to think about everything anyway and we are going out for a meal together Thursday. I think we just have enjoyed the little bit of freedom we have started to get now and in a way its starting over but there is plenty of love here and we will just have to take it day by day and get used to the idea. Things could be far worst and we are incredibly lucky. x

Glad you're feeling more positive about his reaction now. All the best.