DH - a rant.

[littlefrenchonion]

I really need to let off some steam re. my DH and I wouldn't like to say these things about him to people who know us in RL.

I've spent the past few days in hospital after being diagnosed with pre-eclampsia. He was great in hospital, got me everything I needed, came in early each morning to see me and called throughout the day while he was at work. I'm now on tablets which are making me feel really shit - weak, shaky, tired and tingly all over. Oh and they are giving me 'tummy trouble'. I'm home now, on instruction to rest.

We are looking at an induction/c-section very soon (could happen tomorrow even, depending on my BP check outcome with the hospital). I'm frightened, in the same way I expect many 1st time mums are. Thankfully I'm 36 weeks so things could be much worse, but still. It's daunting.

We have been renovating our house over the past year and our bedroom is covered in kitchen units, tools, general 'stuff' that has nowhere to go. It's also a total and utter mess in there, as is the rest of the house (was dismayed to find this on return from hospital!). He's done nothing, although I appreciate he was visiting me in the mornings and evenings.

This evening my panic nesting has really kicked in and I feel really compelled to clear out our bedroom, set up the co-sleeper, just have everything ready, tidy, calm and peaceful. Had been planning to do this in my last few weeks. Physically I can't and shouldn't. It's really getting to me - I still need to repack my hospital bag as everything got pulled out and part used for the unexpected stay earlier this week.

I started to tell him all this and burst into tears. I said to DH that he needs to help me. He won't, because he's writing a speech that he's had all sodding year to write for a wedding he's meant to be best man for in 10 days and apparently this takes priority. I'm doubtful that we'll even be going to the wedding to be honest, if the baby comes in the next week.

He doesn't seem to understand how I'm feeling - stressed, scared, uncomfortable, unwell and unsupported.

I've spent the evening crying and feeling shit. Not ideal, when I supposed to be focusing on chilling out.

Do I:

• stress myself out further by giving him a piece of my mind (I suspect he knows how I feel as he is ignoring me, his usual tactic when he's in the dog house)?

• let it go, go to bed, and accept I'm being hormonal and emotional and focus on chilling out and not making my BP worse?

Oh bless you! I am 35+4, so roughly the same stage as you so i can understand all the anxiety about the upcoming arrival and feeling like you need everything ready. I can assure you all your baby will want is love and food for the first few weeks at least. As annoying as the mess is, it wont change anything to do with your baby. It is very hard feeling like you can't do anything and DP isn't pulling his weight but i am sure he isn't doing it on purpose, he is probably overwhelmed too. Do you have a family member or friend who can come over and help set up the co-sleeper while DP is at work?
So sorry you are feeling shit, BIG hug!! It will all be ok i promise :D Your feelings are valid, and believe me i have been a pain to live with over the past few months ha! But take a deep breath!
Sorry about the Pre-eclampsia, it really isn't pleasent, take care of yourself and your baby first and foremost!

I think he needs to take more notice of your needs right now.

Yes, you're hormonal and emotional but you're not being unreasonable. You could have your baby as soon as tomorrow and the house will need to be in some kind of order - if he thinks he's busy now he wants to wait until there's a baby there too!!

Could he be going into panic mode and burying his head in the sand?

Try to point out the practicalities of the situation without getting too emotional about it - easier said than done I know.

Poor you, must be a awful to be feeling so ill at the moment.

I would say go to bed, try and have a good nights sleep and try talking again in the morning, no point stressing yourself out even more and things won't come out right if you are worked up and tired.

I expect it's all a bit worrying for him as well as he has both you and the baby to think about and he may be in a bit of denial it's all happening this way.

Hopefully you will feel better about things in the morning.

I would just go to bed.

My place is a tip. Feels insurmountable. Got kitchen stuff in living room as was sealing tiles. Paint pots everywhere, clean clothes piled high. And that's just what I can see at the moment.

OH seems oblivious to it all.

But anyway, get to bed and rest your weary bones. Then deal with things tomorrow. Wee bit at a time obviously.

If you really can't settle. Write a to do list. Hand it to DH. Then go to bed

you must be so stressed. Hope you get some sleep!

He needs to step up now

I'm sure he is overwhelmed and scared but that is all part of parenthood, it doesn't give you a free pass to ignore what needs to be done

Thanks everyone - you are all gems. I think he might be burying his head in the sand a little to those who suggested it.

I also think, to be fair to him, that he missed out on a lot of the discussions I had with the doctors due to them happening while he was at work/in the night etc so perhaps he's missed the point a little that I am potentially quite unwell and not just having normal 'pregnancy issues'.

I just spoke to my friend on the phone and she said exactly the same as you all have. Feel a lot better, so thank you.

xxxx

I feel your pain. At the same time the fact that he got you everything you needed and called throughout the day shows that he cares about you and baby.

I moved out of my home of thirteen years to move in to OH's new house at 37w (he had been living with me for four years). We had known about the move for months since I sold the house, and he had been renovating his house since almost a year ago when he purchased it. We moved in three weeks ago in time for the agreed completion date with no bathroom (apart from a shower room in the garage), kitchen or heating. He hasn't finished the bathroom which he started the week after we moved in, he says he can't afford a new kitchen and tells me everyday I know where the door is if I don't like anything about our situation. If I ask him to so much as get some milk on the way home from work his response is that he doesn't drink it so I should get it myself. He hasn't been there for me at all throughout the pregnancy and he never calls or asks about how the baby is doing. He thinks I'm making symptoms up (low bp, low iron, SPD, acid reflux, morning sickness throughout...) to get out of cooking and cleaning (why haven't I cleaned all the windows in the new house yet?)

As long as your dh is there for you and baby, make the most of it.

Hey OP I hope things have improved for you. Just a extra little thought... I recommend you try some relaxation techniques if you can. Find some chill out music, close your eyes to any chaos in the house and concerns and just focus on your breathing. Even 5 minutes of this may help you feel calmer, it's surprisingly effective. I'm much earlier stage of pregnancy than you, but still have had my moments of stress around scans and other things and found relaxation time to be really beneficial. I've started preg yoga and this is what the teacher advises us to do. Take care x

I just had an emcs at 36+6 due to pre eclampsia. I was admitted at 36 weeks and didn't get out until the baby was a week old (so 2 weeks in hospital). Just before I was admitted we had ripped out our bathroom to get it finished for mid April before the baby came at the end of April (ha!), and while I had stuff half packed and ready I was waiting until I was going to the hospital in labour or whatever to put in essentials that I use every day.

I'm home a week and a bit now with the baby and the bathroom is no closer to being done. Parts of it got delivered last week after I rang the company from the hospital telling them the story, but from our end we've arranged nothing. We just decided to let it all go for now, focus on me, my bp and the baby, we're only now starting to book plumbers, tilers, etc to come in the next couple of weeks and I'm just ignoring it all while I concentrate on getting my bp down to come off the tablets.

I think you need to spell it out to your husband that XYZ need to be done before the baby and you come home. Do your best to get that through to him, but then leave it. Don't go doing it yourself, don't get worked up and upset about it, just rest and relax, or you'll only get more grief from the midwives/doctors about your bp and will only end up being induced/sectioned earlier. He'll figure it out soon enough when there's a baby ready to come home and nothing ready for it to come home to, and I bet will whip it all together in no time, when he realises you're not going to be fit to help him do it.