Unsupportive friends or am I overreacting?

[mazpie]

I'm 20 and expecting my first baby (about 6-7 weeks so early days). I've told a few close friends when I found out as I needed advice and was scared. They were really supportive especially as the father of my baby didn't know at the time, due to him previously forcing me to have an abortion, so I wanted to leave it a while for it to sink in for me before telling him.

One of my friends was supportive, talking to me about everything, and today I just sense this real lack of support and bitterness. I told my ex boyfriend, father of the baby that I was pregnant yesterday and to my surprise he responded really maturely and took it seriously. At this point he doesn't know I'm definitely continuing the pregnancy and my reasoning for not telling him yet is because I don't want him pressuring me into something I don't want to do. I also don't want to dump everything on him at once, so at the minute he's aware I'm thinking of all my options. I know he won't want anything to do with me once he knows I'm continuing but I've thought of everything and my decision to keep this baby has been on the basis that I'm doing it alone, if he wants to be involved that's a bonus. Financially I'll cope as I'm working and living with parents. I know timing isn't ideal but I'm happy. The only thing I'm worried about is how I'll emotionally cope when the baby is here but I'll have a lot of support from family around me.

Anyway, I've booked an early scan so I can be reassured everything is going ok and work on what to do (I.e telling uni and work etc) and I just want reassurance. My friend as mentioned before was coming with me to the scan but she is unable to due to work commitments and she text me asking what was the point in me even going saying it's just a seed without a heartbeat (referring to baby) I said the whole point was to see a heartbeat and make everything seem real for me, so she said "but you know something is in there so what's the point" - she just didn't get the whole reassurance thing at all and to be honest it annoyed me a lot. She thought there was just no point. Then I told her how my ex boyfriend reacted nicely to finding out I was pregnant as she knew I'd been nervous telling him and she was nothing but negative about it talking to me as if I was pathetic and doing everything wrong and I told her I just wanted her to be happy for me in the sense that he reacted maturely and sensitively which I honestly wasn't expecting (neither was she). I'm keeping him at arms length with this pregnancy as in the past he has manipulated me into an abortion and I've never really got over it I regretted it as soon as it was done.
She knows all about this and I love speaking to her and getting advice and all I want is a friend to be supportive, I feel she's being really bitter at the minute and looking down on me in some ways. I'm don't know if I'm just being hormonal though.

I know I'm young and my situation isn't ideal but I feel with a good support network I'll be fine. I don't know if I'm overreacting but her negativity really annoyed me today and made me feel quite belittled, like I didn't know what I was doing; like I was being silly for having an early scan and like I was stupid for being pleased that my ex boyfriend (who I'm still really close to despite everything that's happened) reacted in a mature manner to the news.

Sorry this was more of a rant than anything.

Hi Mazpie,

Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt for a few days? Her bad mood might not even be about you - she might just be in a bad place at the moment. The thing about pregnancy is that it is very absorbing (more like an obsession!) for you when you are pregnant. It becomes a lot of what you think about (or at least it does for me) and its really easy to think that everything is to do with that. Hormones only make that worse of course. Have you asked her if she's alright? Maybe there is something bothering her that's nothing to do with you?

good luck!

p.s. I agree totally that what she said about the scan wasn't helpful! People can be a little thoughtless and I'm guessing she doesn't have kids herself?

I'm sorry you don't have great support. You do sound very sorted out about what you want though, which is great. I don't think you're silly to look forward to the early scan, or to be pleased with your boyfriend's reaction.

I think because you're doing this quite young, you may struggle with friends' lack of understanding. At my age (30-something, ahem ) lots of women around me have had babies, are having babies, are at the same stage of life as me with the same understanding of the feelings that go along with pregnancy.

Whereas I'm guessing that you may be among the first of your friends to experience this, and they're all in a very different headspace. That's hard. You know what it's like to feel a new life growing inside you, and how special it is to see that on a screen. Your friend doesn't get why that's important to you, or what kind of emotions that would bring up. Maybe she's not exactly negative about your pregnancy, just unable to understand why you'd want to do it or what it means to you.

If I were you I'd look for a support group of other pregnant women. I know it's a long way off, but NCT or other childbirth classes are great for this, and you'll make lots of new friends there. Or you could try pregnancy exercise classes, like yoga - I met a few lovely people that way. Or there's a 'MN local' section on here where you could see if there are any meet-ups planned - maybe even start one yourself.

You don't have to stop being friends with your mate, just maybe rely on her for the things you know she can do, and not the things she can't. I have a couple of friends without kids, who don't want them, and I do the same - they're still great friends of mine but I don't turn to them for pregnancy advice and reassurance in the same way I turn to friends and family with kids.

Good luck!

I think you're expecting rather a lot from a friend. Pregnancy might be a big deal to the person its happening to, but its not really for anyone else. And its very early days.

I think you need to try and maintain your friendship as just a friendship, and rely on your family for actual support during the pregnancy. Finding people in pre natal classes and the like might also be helpful.

Basically, I understand that your friend hasn't been the most helpful person, but at the same time, that is totally understandable. She's 20. Does she know anyone very close to her that has been pregnant? A lot of people at 20 see pregnancy and babies as something very much for other people, and not even on their radar. It's easy to understand why she wouldn't have the first clue about what is and isn't helpful, or how she should act.

And to be honest, she doesn't need to.

Obviously you will need support, but I would strongly suggest looking elsewhere for it.

Is there any chance she is jealous?

Do you know if she has fertility problems, or if she has ever miscarried? Or even if she is currently trying for a baby with no success?

Congratulations, by the way