20, single and pregnant. Advice please.

[mazpie]

I'm 20 years old and I've just found out I'm pregnant (a few days ago) I'm about 6 weeks.

In November I found out I was pregnant despite being on the pill and my boyfriend wasn't supportive at all. He told me to have an abortion and he gave me a long list of reasons why, which were reasons such as me not being able to be a good mum because i'd be single as he'd leave me; he'd never even speak to me again and he'd hate me, he'd want to kill himself etc. I felt like I had no choice at all as we'd moved to a different city for university (its our first year) and I had no family around me to go to, and to be honest i was terrified of telling them even though they're absolutely lovely. I went through with the abortion to keep him happy because i was so scared of loosing him. I regretted the decision as soon as it was made, and although part of me despised him for making me do it I would have done anything to please him.

We ended our relationship because after having an abortion I went into some sort of depression, not turning up to uni and not even leaving my room, i didn't want to see or speak to anyone, its a bit of a blur really and i relied on him to keep me happy and i became quite needy, despite not being in a relationship we were still really close. Fast forward a few months I was still taking the pill but in the last 2 months a family member gave me over the counter mild anti depressants to help me. I didn't keep them in the box in case my flatmates at uni found them so I threw the box away without reading it, and it was only 2 weeks ago when I spoke to a woman in the chemist that they are notorious for preventing the pill from working. I didn't think I'd get pregnant but I did, and most of me is happy. I feel like I have another chance after last time when I felt I had no choice about ending my pregnancy.

I know it means i'd have to leave uni, but I have a full time job at a hotel I used to work in. My manager gives me shifts whenever I'm home from uni and he's offered me a full time position starting in May which would allow me to have maternity leave too. I think financially I'd manage still living with my parents although I know it will be hard.

My only problem now is telling my ex boyfriend because I know he'll try and force me to have an abortion again and that's not something I'd ever do again. I don't even know how to tell my own parents, but they're so lovely and I know they'll support me as much as they can I'm just scared of disappointing them.

I have no idea how hard it will be being a single mum and being young. I do think I'm mature, I just wonder how I'll be able to cope emotionally. Though I know there's no doubt in my mind I want this baby and I'll do everything I can to be a brilliant mum I'm just absolutely terrified.

Sorry for how long this is, and I apologise if me talking about an abortion has offended anyone, I just don't have anyone to turn to right now

Parenthood is hard work but life-changing in a good way too. Age has very little to do with effective parenting, there are an equal amount of pros and cons to being a young or old parent.

You clearly want this baby and no one should talk you out of that. How dare anyone try to undermine you by saying you will be anything but the best parent you can be, which is all any of us can hope to achieve. There really honestly is no such thing as the perfect parent! But there are parents who seek to delivery the best care and love their child completely, and do the best with the information they have at the time.

You sound like an intelligent and caring person. They do not make for bad parents! I think there are single parent boards on MN so I wonder if you'd get some good support there?

The unknown is scary, but you also don't know the future good that will come your way. Try to resist the negativity thrown at you and hold your head up high. So all you can to build your self esteem. Maybe there are parenting classes you can enrol on to feel that you've covered all the bases?

Congratulations and best of luck. Remember for every step of pregnancy, child birth, and parenting, there is a forum on MN with people ready to pass on their wisdom and best tips. You can always keep coming back!

Don't let your age worry you - I had my little girl at 19 a year ago and age is no boundary to being a good parent.

Your family may be shocked at first (mine were!) but give them time if their reaction isn't great, don't do anything rash. Family support is absolutely vital.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

DO NOT let anyone else influence your decision. I have been through this. Age 18, I got pregnant by mistake with a man who I'd only been seeing a couple months. He wanted the baby and my family wanted me to have a termination. - I now have my perfect 4 year old.

I ended up doing it alone too, my ex wanted our son but unfortunately was not very committed in our relationship. Doing it alone, was better than the stress of putting up with him.

It could be hard at times but it's the most rewarding thing in the world. To have a mini you, who will grow up to adore you.

Good luck in the future :) you will be a perfect Mummy?

That's true - my family were shocked when I told them I was pregnant in my mid-30's, unmarried and very early on in my relationship

They were fine though and love every inch of dc's little frame!

Meant to put a ! Not a ? at the end of mummy lol

I got pregnant when I was 18 and at uni. There is no reason why you'd have to leave uni. There is additional funding for students for childcare and extra grants for living costs, and many universities will have a nursery (although I used a childminder). I was a single mum too, and graduated with a first, then got a grant for a Master's and have been able to progress to a professional career. Don't give up on your ambitions now. I was also provided with housing so I wasn't stuck living at my parents (which in hindsight was a blessing, as most friends my age are in much worse positions than me when it comes to housing).

Check with your student services at uni to see what support is available - I think you'd be surprised. It's hard work but in many ways it is far better to have a baby when young and studying rather than having it interfere with your career when you are older.

Yes, student finance is really supportive of student parents, and universities tend to be too.

Congratulations!

I'd really think twice before giving up on uni, particularly if your degree logically leads into a career. Unless you want to have a career in hospitalityof course, in which case you could take the job.

Remember that babies don't last forever. By the time your baby is your current age, you will only be 40, which is only middle-aged, and a long way off retirement Think about the long term too...

Thank you for your kind replies everyone.

In regards to uni I'm in a different city to my family and I feel I need them close by for support so I'd much prefer to be home.

My chosen career path is midwifery, but back in college I was told not to apply and to apply for a subject where they don't tend to favour older people, so I chose psychology in the hope it would get me into a career in health still. Plus I love the subject. Ive realised just because I love the subject isn't the best reason to do it for a degree, especially when it's uncertain Id gain a career. I have the A levels for midwifery after much research, and I feel now after gaining more experiences (especially becoming pregnant) id have more of a chance of getting onto that course at university at home. I'd known since I started uni I should have trusted my instincts and done midwifery rather than listening to other people (as you can tell I do a lot) so I feel maybe this is perfect timing in some ways. I thought uni was all about going out and socialising when I was applying, it was over the summer when I secured my place I realised I just want to get on with a career I want.

I think I've got a lot to think about in terms of that so I'll give it a good thought. My main concern is being near my family as I'm so close to them and I know once I tell them they'll want to help me. I just need the balls to tell them first.

Thank you so much for your help and advice it's much appreciated

congratulations
no body can make you do anything that you don't want to so keep your baby and stay at uni if that is what you want
as for age I had my DS at 17 and yes it is difficult and tiring but so worth it I'm nutty enough to be pregnant with DC3 at 23. I am very lucky that I have such a supportive family and it sounds like you do too. good luck and again congrats

sorry just seen your post. well do it then. leave the course and do midwifery. I got my qualifications with DS in tow
I now have DD and bump but plan on working and going back into education once I've had DS2

Thank you fatty it's so reassuring knowing someone else has had a child young, I don't know many people in that position. congrats on your pregnancy, hope all goes well!

congratulations!

make sure you have all the support you can get from friends, family etc. this will be invaluable in the early days.

get as much prepared as you can in advance of the birth. doing anything once it's born is going to be more complicated.

and know that it will get easier with time. The first year or two are full on but it DOES get easier! I found it really hard through the baby stage but am enjoying the 2yo stage much more. I think some people love the baby stage and others love the slightly older child stage. Different strokes for different folks!

don't be reluctant to put the baby into nursery a few days / mornings a week if you want to and if you are able to do so. as a single parent it's very hard to get any time to yourself and the moment my DS had a couple of afternoons at nursery I felt like a human being again.

if you feel like you have PND at any time (sorry to bring it up pre-emptively but just in case) make sure you seek the support you need. Being a single parent with a little one is hard work so your mental health is soooo important. Just getting a bit of help with it will keep you more on track if you're feeling low at all. Every new mother feels low at times.

Also play it by intuition. Everyone will give you differing advice that's contradictory. Just go with your instinct and ignore advice that doesn't resonate.

Sorry if that all sounds a bit scary - preparation and knowledge is key.

I'm you will be a great mum!

Wish you the best of luck. xx

I haven't been in your position, but I know several women not only a few years older than me, who now have small Grandchildren, and are really young and bouncy Grandmothers, having had their children at your age, and as single mothers. They have said that although it was hard at times it was also really good fun to be young with small children. They all have great relationships with their dcs, and having had mine in my 40s, and so being 51 (and rather knackered) with a 7 year old, I feel somewhat jealous! Whatever age you are has its own difficulties, and even if you start off married, there is no guarantee you will stay that way. Just as you may well not stay single.
Congratulations and the best of luck to you. .

Hey, your ex sounds very immature and you need to try not to let his selfishness upset you too much if you've made your mind up. He'll come around eventually. Just wanted to tell you, when I was at uni a friend became pregnant and carried on with uni and worked at the same time and got a 2:1 when lots of us got 2:2s! You don't necessarily have to quit uni. Good luck and congratulations :)

Congratulations!

You love and want this baby, and there's no better foundation for a brilliant parent

Do speak to your student services, then speak to your family. Your family will panic a lot less when you give them your newsas part of a life plan. Your current uni can help you to apply for a deferred place close by to home

I became a mum at 19, and my DS is now an amazing young adult when I had him I was in such a mess, I didn't have your life skills at all, but I did it and did it well, as will you x

one thing is be aware of having your ex involved if he wants to be part of its life - it doesn't sound as though he wants a kid and i'm not sure how he will feel about it if you say you are going through with it (will he want to be involved or not?).

it could be that if he already has issues with fatherhood he may be problematic when the baby comes along and the last thing you need on top of a baby is a nightmare ex to deal with. my ex became a nightmare and had all his own MH issues coming out when DS was born (I think a lot of men panic at that stage). This made things 100 times worse!! So keep him at arms length unless he is going to be truly supportive as you don't need any crap from him; you will be worn down anyway. Prioritise yourself and baby above all else.

I could have written this 18 months ago! I have a 9 month old now and i don't regret my decision at all.

I was in my third year but intercalated due to hyperemesis so have gone back this year to finish my final year. It's been really tough but manageable with support from my family. I've ended up doing just as well, if not better, than friends at uni, so as long as you're prepared to work hard (which it sounds like you are!), it's perfectly doable.

Family support has kept me sane. I'm living back with my parents and they've been amazing. Student Finance are great - they don't take the fact that you're living with parents into account if you have a dependent, so you get extra grant money, as well as the Parent Learning Allowance. You can also get Child Benefit and Child Tax Credit, so finances are ok whilst studying.

In regards to your ex, as others have said, he's not really necessary right now. My baby's father's had nothing to do with it since I was about 7 weeks pregnant and has never met him. I can honestly say we don't miss him. My DS has enough people to love him and an immature, selfish 22 year old is not needed in the picture right now. If your ex stays at uni, he won't be required to pay child maintenance until he's graduated, but if you're going back to uni to do Midwifery you'll be well covered as I said.

Good luck and it will honestly be the best decision you've ever made! Children are hard but so worth it

Everything happens for a reason, there is currently a shortage of midwives in uk, so choosing that route should lead directly to a job and therefore more security. Plus it is what you want to do so you will always be better at something which interests you. Imo. Good luck with pregnancy and studying, hope all your dreams are achieved

Thank you all
SirVix you're the same age as my mum so it's lovely to hear such a supportive response, makes me less nervous about telling her too!

I'm going to keep my ex boyfriend in the dark about the pregnancy for a few weeks until I know everything is ok. I want to have an early scan to ensure everything is going well so I feel more relaxed and able to think about my future. I do feel awful for not telling him but I think the last thing I need right now is him trying to sway me to do something I don't want to.

It's lovely to hear such non judgements messages I was so worried people would think I'm some immature girl who's barely left her teenage years and is having a baby.. I think that's what scared me so much about actually being pregnant but I feel a lot more confident now.

Thank you all

I'm glad my post cheered you up a bit . One of the loveliest most patient mothers I've met since having children, was only 19. We all hit maturity at different points. I have some strengths as a mother that are to do with age and experience, but the young mums I know all have other strong points. Motherhood is sometimes very tough, and sometimes completely brilliant, whatever age you are.

OP - 20 is old compared to my parent's age group, who often had their babies at the tender age of 18!

They did just fine. And so, am sure, will you.