Pregnant, alone and struggling

[sarah00001]

Hi, I'm 29 and a half weeks pregnant. My partner left about 3 months ago to live with his dad and stepmum because we were arguing all the time. We have tried to patch things up but it hasn't worked, things are worse than ever. I've suffered from depression and OCD from early in the pregnancy, and my ex partner was unable to cope with this. I have felt so lonely and unsupported. There has been loads of things to do in the house which I've had to do by myself and it's becoming increasingly hard the further in the pregnancy I go. He will occasionally help with the odd thing, but most of it is down to me. I get anxious about doing certain things, like cleaning black mould off the ceiling, or cleaning out the fish tank, in case it harms the baby, but I have no choice but to do it myself. I'm so angry and resentful towards my ex and I tell him how i feel in text messages or the odd occasion I see him, and he responds by leaving the house when he visits, or telling me he's switching off his phone.

I've never felt so lonely in all my life. I don't have any family close by, my mum's dead and my dad hasn't been in contact for years, although now he has a grandchild on the way, he has been trying to get in touch. I'm quite close to my sister, but she lives 4 hours away, works long hours and has three small kids, so doesn't have much time to speak to me on the phone. I also don't have any close friends nearby. I cry every day and would give anything to feel loved and cared for. My sister tells me that I knew what my partner was like before I had a baby with him, and I shouldn't get upset over it. It's true that I did know what he was like. He can't cope with stress, drinks too much and can be very manipulative, but he can also be funny, sensitive and affectionate. I think I tried to only see the good side of him and ignored the bad, even though I knew it was there. Also, I'm in my late 30s and I was desperate for a child. I thought that if I left him, I may not find anyone else for years and I'd miss out on becoming a mother. I haven't had much luck with men and was single for years before I met my ex. Nevertheless, I tried desperately to make the relationship work and I did love him. I was prepared to stay in the relationship for the long-term future. I'm so unhappy with how acrimonious things are between us.

When I tell my ex how hard I am finding things, he tells me that I should stop feeling sorry for myself. I do wonder sometimes if he's right and I am feeling sorry for myself.

I'm getting help for my depression and OCD, but I just wish things were different and I hope things get better.

Sorry for such a long post. If anyone has any words of advice on how I can get through this, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you,

Sarah

Didn't want to read and run.. Sorry you're feeling so lonely, especially during pregnancy!

Have you got any support in real life? Are you working still?

I would suggest finding out about antenatal classes locally (some Nct ones are subsidised although you may find them hideously 'couple-y) If not have you joined the antenatal forums on here? I know it's not the same but can help with the pregnancy stuff.

Have you got someone to be your birth partner? Such a lot to deal with on your own, don't be too hard on yourself!

I'm 25 wks Preg and everything is overwhelming/tiring at this stage!

Hi Sarah, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I'd say firstly try and see good things that are happening - you are going to become a mother, which is what you wanted, and pregnancy is in itself a miracle, a wonderful time, so try and concentrate on your baby and bond with him/her even though they are not born yet.

Secondly, try to minimise contact with your ex. What he did is a terrible betrayal, and you don't want to stress out even more by listening to his spiteful comments.

Thirdly, regarding cleaning etc., there are some simple solutions to your worries. Clean the fish tank wearing household gloves, and clean the mould (bathroom etc) with the organic chemical-free cleaner (about £2-3 from organic shop, I find this stuff brilliant), so you put your mind at ease regarding harming the baby.

Try and distract yourself with something you like, be it a nice book, your favourite music, bubbly bath, or a combination of three And pamper and spoil yourself - buy something you wanted, a little treat, go for a nice walk, watch a funny movie, cook something you like.

And remember your ex is not the last man on Earth - you will surely meet someone more deserving in future, you are still so young!

I don't know how exactly helpful my advises are, but that's what works for me... Good luck and wishing you happy and healthy rest of the pregnancy.

I would ditch contact with ex and concentrate on you and baby, sound like you are trying to concentrate on too many things. Don't known your circumstances, but would it be easy to move to where you would have some support locally ie near sister or you dad?

Just wanted to give some

Hey Sarah, I second that, ditch your ex - he's clearly not worthy of you. Anyone that makes a pregnant lady clean mould and fish tanks needs a serious reality check.

Would it be feasible to move nearer your sister?

Joining an NCT class sounds good too, I was thinking of doing that as I'm 35 and all my friends had babies about 10 years ago!!!!

Where abouts do you live? Have you looked on your local Mumsnet page, maybe there's people on there arranging a get-together?

Try to stay positive tho - I know it's a difficult situation, are you working? Xx

You poor thing. Some excellent advice above, completely agree with taking small practical steps that will make it feel less overwhelming and trying to meet other mums in the same stage of pregnancy.

In a few months' time you'll have your baby and that's far and away the most important and best bit!

Hi Sarah, I'm single and pregnant too, though I chose to be this way (obviously I'd have loved to meet a great man and get married but it wasn't to be...)

I am 24 weeks, but had a phase of feeling depressed a few weeks ago. I solved it for the moment by chatting to more adults and getting out more! I realised that even ten minutes chatting to a neighbour about TV programmes, or talking to a friend over a cup of tea helped a lot (I didn't need to tell anyone I was feeling depressed, just being more sociable helped me).

I've also found that activities like swimming weekly, walking in the park etc help a lot. I have a dc already and being a single parent can be tiring but it's great as well, there's lots to look forward to and if you return to work after mat leave that helped me a lot too, feeling independent again was great!

Thank you everyone for your kind words of advice and support. I agree with you about ditching my ex. He sent me a very nasty text recently saying that I must have planned to bring up the baby by myself and that I tricked him and lied to him all along in order to have this baby. He said he doesn't want me to contact him from now on unless it's to do with the baby. He is incredibly insecure because he genuinely was tricked into having a child before. His ex-wife lied about being on the pill and got pregnant with their son. When he was about 2 or 3 years old, she left him and moved nearly 100 miles away, taking their son. Now that our relationship has fallen apart, he's convinced that I used him just to get pregnant. It is so horrible to be accused of something which I haven't done. I have told him countless times that it isn't true but he refuses to believe me. I realise now there is nothing I can do to change his beliefs and at the end of the day, he simply isn't a nice person. My sister hates him and finds him manipulative and controlling. I'm so scared he's going to do his best to make my life as difficult as possible. The house where I live is rented and both our names are on the lease, but he stopped paying rent when he moved out months ago. It's nearly £1000 per month and I don't know how much longer I can afford to pay it. He also owes me £500 for the stuff we got for the baby and I can't see him paying it. It's such a horrible, messy situation and I'm so depressed. My sister wants me to move up north to be near her, but with the baby due in less than 10 weeks, this will be a massive upheaval and of course I don't have a job up there. She tells me I won't cope with the baby alone and my life will be so difficult. I feel she's bullying me in a way, putting pressure on me to move. When I say I think that moving is just too much for me to handle right now, she says that I'm being silly and moving house is easy. She says if I don't do it now it will be impossible when the baby's here.

I just feel that everyone around is being bullying and manipulative and I have noone who genuinely cares about me. I'm fed up of everyone telling me how much I will struggle to cope with the baby. I feel down enough as it is and it feels like people are trying to keep me down rather than lift me up.

Maybe your sister is coming across as bullying, but I think she might be right that moving soon would be a good idea. You'll get away from your ex and closer to your sister, who appears to be the only person supporting you. Can you plan to move for when your maternity leave starts? You'd have to give notice anyway. Moving sucks, but being alone with a hostile ex nearby and a newborn baby to care for sounds worse.

You will cope. Your sister is probably piling the pressure on about moving because she just wants to be near and help you, but if you don't want to move, don't.
As far as money and paying the rent, you will probably be able to get tax credits once the baby is born, you can earn quite a lot and still receive something from them in child tax credits. If you earn little or nothing you could look at housing benefit to assist you. There is help available for single parents, whether working or not, if you want it.

Your ex sounds quite selfish, he doesn't seem to be considering how you feel at all in this situation, but never mind. I always think 'you can't reason with unreasonable people'. Try not to worry about he thinks, it doesn't really matter does it.

In a few weeks you will have a little family to think of, and it will all be worth it.