24 weeks with longed-for second child but really struggling mentally - anyone else?

[resipsa]

This is likely to be a pity post so apologies in advance and feel free to stop reading now.

Our daughter was 4 in January and we started trying for another before she turned one. It's been a long, painful journey punctuated by 3 miscarriages, 4 rounds of IVF and my husband's diagnosis with/treatment for cancer, the latter of which he has just completed.

I'm 24 weeks now and instead of feeling joy that our second is due in August and relief that my husband is in remission, I just feel miserable. I cry every day in private. I can't fairly talk to my husband (he's feeling positive for the first time in a year and is really looking forward to the new one's arrival), my mum (she lent us the money for IVF after seeing how unhappy we were before) or my friends (they lent support through the period of infertility and miscarriages).

I don't know if this is hormonal or something else. How can you want something so much for years then feel no joy when it's yours? This pregnancy hasn't been the joyous time I hoped for with bleeding, hospital admission and prolonged nausea/vomiting but all that happens to lots of people so I can't see why it would affect me to this extent. I really want to enjoy the time between now and August with my daughter but am stuck in this hole. Any tips?

No real advice but didn't want to read and run. I definitely struggled with feelings of ambivalence in both my second and third pregnancies (am also 24 weeks, by the way, but with DC3 - due date is 5.8.15). Most of that was in the first trimester though - I had a few hysterical sobbing fits, crying in the middle of the night that I didn't want to be pregnant and didn't want the baby, etc. Since that first hormonal phase, I've been mostly ok. I think pregnancy hormones can really muck you up quite a lot - and it's really scary when you are in a situation you can't change. And you have evidently had a really rough time over the last few years, so perhaps it's harder to get over the weird hormones.

I don't know how to help you, really, other than to reassure you that once your second baby is a person and not a pregnancy, you are bound to feel very different, and probably everything will fall back into place! I would try and talk to your DH if you can - just explain that the hormones are making you feel a bit down. If you can get a bit of support and understanding, that will help you to feel less isolated.

Good luck with your pregnancy, hope you start to feel more better soon.

Pressuring yourself to enjoy pretty much anything doesn't and can't work.

Your pregnancy wasn't what you were expecting. If you get something you wanted for years, but it isn't what you thought it would be like, it's completely normal to feel disappointed. It happens to lots of people in lots of circumstances. It happened to me about getting into graduate school.

You don't know everything about how everyone else feels about their pregnancies. You know what they tell you they feel, which is not at all the same thing. There's a lot of social pressure to not share negative feelings about a wanted pregnancy, so there is a plausible reason why they might not tell you about their negative feelings.

Thanks. I know that really only I can help me by adopting a more positive frame of mind! I'm hoping it's 'hidden' anxiety that something might go wrong and so merely a coping mechanism but am not sure my mind is that sophisticated!

Glad you're looking forward to your 3rd .

I really struggled with my 2nd pregnancy, following early pre-eclampsia & 3 months of DS in nicu in my first - followed by 2 MC.

Psychologically, it was grim. I think I just accepted it was going to be hellish & actually gained some peace of mind by just acknowledging that. My midwife did offer support - is that an option for you?

It is a shame when you don't enjoy a pregnancy, but please don't feel bad for it - you have been through a hell of a lot x

You've been through so much in recent years - I think it's worth trying a session or two of counselling. Maybe ask midwife or GP for a referral or go private if that's an option. If nothing else, it might help you think about how to discuss with your DH as he might/probably would want to know how you're feeling.

As others have said - be kind to yourself, you have been through SO much.

If it's helpful to hear, I had counselling in one of my pregnancies because I was so negative about the baby - there was lots going on in my life (including my brother's gf dying of cancer) and I just felt that I didn't want a baby and that I was ruining my life/career etc by having another baby...I wished for a mc and all sorts of awful thoughts and was generally in a very dark place.

I think you have had sage advise upthread, but I would second counselling if it's possible - I found it SO helpful, stopped me focussing on all of the negative stuff (I do have a tendency to be an Eeyore) and it really turned me around. I still use some of the techniques/advice to this day - and my "unwanted" baby is turning 5 tomorrow - he makes my heart sing every time I look at him and I can't imagine how I had such awful thoughts about him.

I'm 25 +3 and struggling too. Although I've not been through anything even remotely close to you. I have spd and partner works away. This is my 3rd baby and I honestly could just cry. Partner is working overtime as im going on maternity at 29 weeks due to spd. We're in process of buying a house/planning a wedding next year and juggling a puppy and 2 kids on my own.
I just feel sorry for myself I think. I was thinking of mentioning it to the midwife at next app if hasn't gone away when I leave work.
Hope your ok xx

I've had nasty mental health issues in the past, and at 24 weeks I'm struggling with a lot of those problems again. I feel really similar to you, OP, I'm frightened and anxious, and finding that all the joy and colour seems washed out of life. I recognise the feelings, and the side effects (panic attacks, insomnia, exhaustion, nausea) from when I've struggled before. I think it might be at least partly down to hormones, but that doesn't make it any less real. I second the people saying to talk to your midwife and GP about it - antenatal depression is actually really common, and a whole lot of women feel like you. I had CBT to help me to cope with anxiety and depression a few years ago, and the techniques I learned are all helping me again now. Don't be afraid to ask for help. And I know you feel like you can't tell your partner or friends, but trust me, they will understand and support you, they won't think you're ungrateful!