Wording of new baby questions and mc

[trixy04]

Hello All.

I am currently 21 weeks tomorrow. Cautious but happy, much happier when i get to week 24 !

I have had the unfortunate luck to go through 2 pregnancies, neither which ended in a live birth. First lasted 12 weeks (got to see my 12 week scan, happened the day after), Second was 21+4 weeks when my waters broke and i became too ill for my own health to be badly compromised. I have not hid this happening to family or friends, lots have actually come out of the woodwork and told me in confidence of similar stories of themselves or family.

My problem is, lots of people see me with no child, complete strangers think it acceptable to happily ask 'ooh - your pregnant, how far along? is it your first ? etc'....... its not my first, but i don't want to hide the fact that we had a daughter last year or even our little 'pea' who passed very early. On another note, people think its 'all going to be ok' after 12 weeks, and cannot even understand why i am being so cautious - but that is another story.

Has anyone else had to field this type of question scenario ?

I have started out saying its my third, and when they look around puzzled, tell them they died. It is horrible to see the happy inquiring faces turn upset, almost angry with themselves for asking - but what would you suggest ? I don't want to lie and brush everything into a secret, but i feel bad, almost uncomfortable in telling the truth.

I don't have your experiences so bumping for you and sorry for your losses

I can relate to what you say about everyone thinking all is ok after 12 weeks. I had a preemie and we both nearly died, I'm pregnant again and very fearful. There's a celebrate and tell the world culture at 12 weeks which I just can't do as it was at the 20 week scan problems were identified last time.

I'm hoping your pregnancy goes well OP and that someone who's been through similar will be along soon

Don't feel bad, I am on my fourth pregnancy 20+4, but have only two dc. My dd died unexpectedly last year age 3 just after I had dc3. I get the "trying for a girl" comments from strangers, I know that when I tell them that my dd died it's going to make them uncomfortable but I will never not acknowledge that she existed, and neither should you.
Am sorry about your losses. Xx

I have had a MMC so similar to you and Pea, but cant imagine how hard it must have been for you to lose a little girl halfqay through

My response on those questions after my MMC was "yes, if this one sticks, but we are of course a little anxious due to our history". Seemed to work - hinted at previous loss without inviting any responses.

I always used to say "no not my first, but my other's are in heaven" I'm not really religious but that's where I like to think they are. It does always make happy faces turn sad, but to me it was always more important that my babies didn't go unacknowledged. I don't mean that to sound at all self righteous, it really is about what makes you happy, that's just me though and I'm an antisocial old bag.
I always felt that if my saying that made people feel upset/uncomfortable then they should think more about the questions they ask. I know people are just trying to be friendly, but after my losses there are so many questions that I would never ask a pregnant lady now as they can hurt so much.
Hope that helps and sorry for your losses x.

I'm currently 26+4 weeks (first pregnancy) with twins. I will always acknowledge that my little lad is a twin and if people ask about my baby I will remind them of my babies.
I'm dreading having a newborn and people asking when he was born, etc. I know I'm only going to give birth to 1 baby but that's not the point
But I don't want sympathy, I want to think of my little beauty and what it would have been like for my two little boys to have been born and lived together :)

Thank you for the nice words, i am calm about what is probably going to be a very long few months ahead - panic will not get me anywhere. My philosophy at the moment is 'preparation and being a bit pushy on my maternity care'. I have good care, a good consultant, extra medicines, frequent extra scans, good friends and colleagues - just have to do the mental game for a few more months.

I think i have to acknowledge them - i would not be true to myself or to them if i didn't. No one should go through any loss and have to hide the pain away. I personally think confronting it and putting it out in the open helped me heal but never 100%.

In an ideal world, people should know not to ask certain things but so many people are ignorant, or never had it touch them. Sending warm hugs to all who reply and hope your fertile bellies all come good.

I'm sorry for your losses and for those of the other ladies on this thread I have also lost two pregnancies and if people ask me if my curent pregnancy is my first I tend to say hmm rather than yes so I'm not actively denying the existence of our first two babies (sounds weird but makes sense to me!). I'm very anxious about this pregnancy and if people ask why, I'm open and tell them this is my third pregnancy but hopefully the first baby we will be able to take home. It's really hard though.

TimeforaDietCoke - how many weeks are you ?

22w - a long 18 more to go

I have been asked once, and my response was "We're hoping it will be our first baby, but it's not my first pregnancy".
I have had four miscarriages before this pregnancy.

Firstly, sympathy to everyone who has experienced losses. I had two mc and one mmc (all first trimester) before I had my daughter a few months ago, but I never felt the need to point that out to people asking if it was my first.

Presumably they are asking if it will be your first child rather than if it's your first pregnancy...if the latter, what a peculiar thing to ask (should I have told them about the termination I had 21 years ago as well?)

Unless it's a late mc (2nd tri) or a stillbirth, I think it's a bit overly dramatic to bring it up. I am probably a bit hard faced, but so many pregnancies end before 12 weeks, lots and lots of women experience it.

However I am aware that I say this from the privileged position of having had a live birth at the age of 40, and I do remember how painful each loss was at the time.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Just to contradict myself, I did tell some people about our most recent loss before this pregnancy, but not about the others, which were years ago.