This has made me shake and cry at the memory of being in the same predicament 2 years ago, thankfully I have just put my gorgeous Trisomy 18 free 17 month old down for her nap.
We lived in America at the time, and had just got back from Scotland where my dad had just been released from hospital after having a heart attack and subsequent triple heart bypass. I thought our stresses were over for the year. 2 days on the Friday later i got the phone call from the doctor to say that our baby had increased risk of having T18, and was told to Google the syndrome so that I could understand it more. I did, and I crumpled in to a massive heap of heartbreak. I had to phone my husband at work and try to get he words out that he needed to come home now, he was crying on the phone as I wa trying to explain that our baby might have the possibility of not making it to birth. It was the longest hour for both of us as he made the commute home.
We both sat trying to comprehend what was happening, and made an emergency appt with our gyne/doctor for him to try and explain things, and what made the tests show that our precious bump might have something terminally wrong.
Since it was a Friday, there were no appts until the following week to go for the further tests and scans, and that was the worst weekend of my life. I'm shaking at the memory of all that heartache and 'what ifs'. When we got to the hospital for the tests, we were sat down and told that since we were so far along that we would have to decide whether to terminate immediately. It was fucking awful.
Went for the scan, never felt fear like it, my baby had wriggled and wiggled inside me for so long, I couldn't bare the thought of anything other that everything being ok. The ultrasound technician had a good old look, in silence, and then told us that everything looked ok. The relief was second to none. We found out we were having a girl
a healthy viable baby girl. She arrived safely 20 weeks later.
However, the last 20 weeks were tough. I turned off my emotions, to almost protect myself from any further pain. It meant that I couldn't bond with my girl when I first saw her, and months went by where I was just functioning enough to keep us all alive. It was only coming home in the last few months that I was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety, and been able to feel that my girl is going to live a normal life and I have properly started to bond with her. She is my life, but I will never forget the pain that we might never have been able to meet her, or keep her in the world for very long.
Please take care of yourself, there will be days when the grief of the possibility of ES will overcome you, I don't think it ever leaves. Wishing you a wonderful day of welcoming your happy healthy boy in to the world, he sure has a mummy and daddy that loves him
xx