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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Hormones or is he just an arse?

15 replies

toadierocks · 08/04/2015 22:49

Since finding out that I'm pregnant 10 days ago my partner has just been plain rude. We've been TTC for 9 cycles so I thought he'd be jumping for joy at the good news, however he hasn't asked if I'm ok once, every suggestion about pregnancy he's dismissed, his behavior has even been verging on neglect, sooooo obviously I lost my cool tonight and shouted. Now normally when we've had rows in the past, we've both said things we didn't mean etc but tonight I really shouted, just couldn't find a calm and rational way to explain how let down I'm feeling by his attitude. Is this just a nasty mix of hormones and pregnancy jitters or really should I be worried that he's behaving like a real bum...... or am being unrealistic of what to expect here. Please help ladies, I'm currently sleeping in the spare room as the black cloud over my head has consumed the house! (and also if I see him right now, I'll probably throw something)

OP posts:

KatySparkles · 08/04/2015 23:10

It could be a bit of both or it could just be hormones. We were TTC for two years and had two losses. When I found out I was pregnant this time it was all I could think about 24/7 but H wasn't phased. We had a night out shortly after I found out and he asked if I was planning on drinking. I looked horrified and he was confused. He genuinely forgot I was pregnant! Things are very different now I'm in the third tri. He is very attentive and considerate but I think it took him a while to connect as it wasn't happening to him IYSWIM. Hope you are ok. Sending hugs.

hillyhilly · 08/04/2015 23:28

Ime the early days of pregnancy are much bigger for you than him so whilst it consumes your every thought and waking moment it's only just beginning to register on his radar.

Lweji · 08/04/2015 23:31

I think you need to explain better what you mean by neglect, suggestions about pregnancy and rude, so that we can evaluate if is is being a bastard or it's just your hormones (and excessive expectations).

Original poster

toadierocks · 09/04/2015 01:12

Thanks for the replies ladies, Most of the time I'm a rational and ''normal'' woman who communicates very well, I just can't seem to put my finger on what has made me so cross, maybe its a combination of everything.

Totally agree hillyhilly, at the moment I am consumed, I was as well when TTC, I charted etc, perhaps he doesn't understand the mental preparation, although we have a DD already so he's seen the physical and emotional toll that a pregnancy takes on us ladies (DD's pregnancy was a pretty tough ride)

I feel that he's ignored a lot of what I've said and asked in the last week and just abruptly dismissed everything I've said, it's like he's in a mood. For example, I desperately wanted a home birth with DD but I was high risk so I didn't have the option, so I said well if this time, I get the all clear, I'd love to consider the option...... He said very clipped.... It's all far too early to be talking about this and walked out the room.

I said 'oh my if we have another girl, are we going to use the same process to decided on a name as last time.... basically got the same response......

Just feel every time I try to get a bit excited he shuts me down.

What sparked tonight's row was I said oh I must try and walk at least for half an hour a day, it'll make such a change this time round (I was on bed rest from 16wks with DD) and try and eat healthy.... his response..... Just don't eat all the quality street. it went on from that, that's just a snippet

He's never been the best communicator or massively affectionate but I need his support and love now and he just seems so reluctant to give it.

Sorry if that's all a bit jumbled Lweji its hard to write out examples........ He's just very un-supportive when it comes to life goals, even not during pregnancy, I gave up smoking a good while back and he has never acknowledged it, not even once, even though he was happy to whinge at me that he didn't like me being a smoker. I just feel so alone in the relationship sometimes.

OP posts:

Lweji · 09/04/2015 01:24

On one hand, you are at the very beginning of the pregnancy. Anything can happen, still, and he may not want to get carried away in case the worst happens.

It's hard to comment, but it looks like at normal times, you are strong enough to just carry on, even if you feel alone in the relationship. It seems that it's when you are feeling vulnerable that he fails you.

At this point, maybe relationship counselling could still help. If you voice your concerns and how you feel this is leading to, do you think he might agree?

happygojo · 09/04/2015 06:52

I had a loss last September so when I found out I was pregnant this time, my OH was a lot more distant. He couldn't see the line on the IC test, and didn't really believe me until a clear blue digi (believe is the wrong word.... It wasn't like he was accusing me of lying lol). It was just his coping mechanism in the case of another loss

I am sure once you get symptoms and get to the 12 week scan things will be fine.

SmileyScooby · 09/04/2015 07:34

My DH wasn't as over the moon as I expected him to be but that was just it sinking in and how he is. After about a week he was really happy and although there have been ups and downs (currently 35w) where he has been distant not seen to be being as excited etc he is super excited - although we are both crapping our pants as so nervous at same time (DC1 on the way!!) and are the sort of people who like to feel in control of what we are doing etc which obviously pretty soon we won't be!

scatterbrainedlass · 09/04/2015 09:09

He sounds like he's being a bit of an arse TBH, but to be fair, he may be coping with things differently. Men think about it so much differently, as pp said, they don't think about it 24/7 as it's not their body, they can go to work and forget for a few hours. My DH was really great in the early weeks, supportive, doing the cooking when I felt sick, etc, I couldn't have asked for a better guy. Now he's a little more distant, he isn't rude or dismissive, but not really 'into' it as much, I think maybe the inital excitement has worn off, and he doesn't always know how I feel or what my body's going through.

I think we need to give our fellas a bit of slack, but it still doesn't excuse downright rudeness. Hopefully as things progress you will feel like a unit again, I really hope you're able to work through things over the next few weeks.

sianihedgehog · 09/04/2015 15:32

Me and my OH both COMPLETELY PANICKED when we found out, despite the pregnancy being planned. We coped rather differently, though. I obsessed about it, and read fucking everything, and did budgets, and marked dates on a calendar and so on. To him, it wasn't properly real until the scan, so he went out and got shit faced a lot, and tried not to pin too many dreams onto it, and tried to make the most of stuff he wouldn't be able to in future.

I wonder if your hubby and you are similar?

Whatabout · 09/04/2015 15:40

I think he sounds quite normal, but then I am still not really talking about names or birth plans at nearly 18 weeks. It's a protection mechanism, I won't get all in until near the end probably. My DH isn't one to weight on me or treat me any different when I'm pregnant so I don't expect it.
If he is making you unhappy talk to him, he could have a 102 things on his mind.

TakesTwoToTango · 09/04/2015 15:52

I can't remember where I read/heard it, but I once heard said that a woman becomes a mother the moment she sees the positive pregnancy test, but a man becomes a father the moment the baby is born. It seems quite an accurate reflection of real life and explains a lot of the differences in focus and feelings in during the antenatal period I think.

Stinkylinky · 09/04/2015 15:56

I found that it didn't really sink in with my DP until our 12 week scan and since then he has been amazing and very attentive. Quite a few of my friends have experienced the same with their DPs.

It's all very real for us women because it's our bodies but men need something visual to make it real if that makes sense?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/04/2015 16:08

I dunno
He's being a bit of a knob for sure but also I wouldn't want to have conversations about names and birth plans at such an early stage.

Original poster

toadierocks · 09/04/2015 17:53

Thanks for all the advice and sharing your stories ladies. Me and DH are going out for a meal and a good talk about it tonight, I'm sure it's just a case of handling it in different ways and I know we can do it, as we've been through it with DD, just need cuddles and support at the moment so hopeful I can communicate that to him in a 'non-hormonal' way

OP posts:

rosy189 · 10/04/2015 07:42

Sounds like he is being a bit rude and cold, but like others have said, he might just have loads on his mind.

My dh felt like he has the weight of the world.on his shoulders when we found out I'm expecting our first because I have anxiety and was convinced everything would go wrong, so he had to think about my feelings and his own about the baby.

One evening when he seemed a bit quiet i asked him how hw was feeling and if he needed to talk then his feelings were as important as mine. I left him alone after that and the day after he was much better, I also avoided bringing up baby things in the very early days (easier said than done!) xxx

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