I think I made a mistake

[Dragonfly85]

Ok even writing this down makes me feel like an idiot and a failure to my unborn baby.
I'm 18 weeks pregnant and the baby was not planned I'm 30 and my boyfriend is 28( been together for 2.5 years ) he lost his job over a year ago and I may have to stop working soon due to previous health issues.

I don't feel like I have bonded with the baby and I am worried that I won't be a good mother even though every one tells me I will be.

I just don't feel like a pregnant women should and the money worries are keeping me up most nights and my gp thinks I may have anti natal depression from worrying about everything and has referred me for counseling.
I feel that I made a mistake I don't know if my boyfriend is going to stand up and look after me and the baby as he has not even had an interview and has become lazy and I don't see the guy who I was in love with but on the other hand he is excited about the baby and has not bailed on us so I'm confused about what will happen.

I'm scared and I don't know who to talk to or what to do

Firstly have a

Do you think if your oh was working you would feel better about everything? I really think you would, you've got a lot on your mind, and its making you doubt yourself, but really is the worry of money and a settled future that's making you feel this way.

Have you anyone in rl to talk to? Friends or your mum?

Your oh needs to pull his finger out and start looking for a job, what does he say as to why he's not doing so?

(Sorry of sentence structure is rubbish, I'm knackered!)

It's a mix of a lot of things it's my first time pregnant and I'm not having an easy time with adjusting to the changes my body is going through and the worry about taking care of a baby as well as affording every thing needed. My biggest fear is having to do this by myself and that's why I haven't pushed the fact he needs to get a new job asap I'm afraid he will leave me for being on his case about it, I don't want to tell my parents Incase they think I can't handle this and my friends are keeping their fingers crossed he does step up or they will have a go at him but I just feel out of my depth with it all and I'm not enjoying any of the good stuff I felt like I was watching someone else going for the scans and not connected to the baby I am carrying

I didn't have the same money worries while pregnant but was in a difficult place with my job as it was a fixed term contract and I spent a lot of it worrying too. Then dh lost his job just after the baby was born, kicking off a full two years of insecure temp contracts and unemployment. I also didn't feel any bond while pregnant, though finding out the sex at 20 weeks helped it to seem real.

It was fine, we managed. Child benefit covered nappies, I breastfed so no costs there, and everything else was gifts or supermarket cheapies. We're still in our little flat, which I'd been desperate to get out of, and it's been ok. And most importantly, I have a great bond with my little boy.

Have you told your dp how you're feeling? I mean really told him, and told him it's down to money worries? He could not have realised that he's the thing here making you feel worse, it might give him the kick up the arse he needs.

Another hug coming your way. I can't add to what others have said about the need to talk to your DP and that it us doable in a low income but wanted to say I understand completely when you say you feel uncomfortable with the changes going on in your body. I hated the second tri for that very reason as I felt fat, out of control and still too early in the pregnancy to celebrate it. What helped me adjust was getting a definite bump, getting through the 20 week scan and telling people whose excitement then started to rub off on me. Don't worry if you can't yet feel excited or you are wondering where this pregnant glow everyone talks about is. Ime it's overrated and from what I've seen on here very few actually enjoy all of their pregnancy.
It sounds like your GP is very good and the referral to counselling is an important first step. Even if you don't have anti natal depression, I think you need somebody on your side to offload to so that you can begin to see little steps forward rather than a mountain of problems.
Good luck xx

I can't really add to the advice already given but it is a really good thing that you are seeking help now before the baby is born.

What I will say is that the way you are feeling isn't unusual at all, it just doesn't get talked about very often. I felt the same as you when pregnant and had the same disconnect when seeing the scans etc. didn't really feel a bond. As a pregnant woman you think you should feel all those things straight away but it doesn't always happen. For a lot of women the bond doesn't come until the baby is born and for some it doesn't even happen straight away, it can take a few weeks or months. It's nothing to be ashamed about and please try not to worry about it. Take things one step at a time, it really will be ok.

It gets on my nerves how we are led to believe when having our first baby that we need to spend thousands on it (you need way fewer things then they tell you) and that you are supposed to bond with your baby on a schedule. I'm having my third and pregnancy can be hard work and draining, it isn't fun all of the time, or even most of the time. As for the bond, you will love your baby when you are ready, and you will love your baby more than you have ever loved anything. You will find tiny things like giggles bring you to tears and you will spend hours just looking at the wonderful person you made, in awe. This will happen in time, try to relax and be patient with yourself, and make good use of your counsellor

I know how you feel - I'll be 37 weeks on Friday and I still think that at any moment someone's going to go "only joking!" and it'll all be over, like maybe someone has me mixed up with an actual grown-up who can look after a baby and at some point I'll be found out.

Anyway, I told my midwife how anxious I was feeling and she referred me to the psychiatry team at the maternity hospital, so they're keeping an eye on me because I'll be at risk of PND. I told the health visitor as well when she came for my antenatal home visit - I guess it's just about building yourself a support network that can look after you if you do begin to go downhill.

And my baby is still very much an abstract concept to me at the moment - despite the way he/she likes to kick me in the bladder when I'm trying to sleep - bonding can come when he/she is born.

Hope you begin to feel better soon, do take all the support you're offered and ask for more if you need it.

You will be fine. Even if you have to do it on your own, you will be fine. If you have no money, you will be fine. The abstract notion of having a baby is far more horrendous than actually having a baby in my experience. I found out I was accidentally pregnant at 24 weeks. I felt like a 16 year old who had done this massively wrong thing. Everyone was congratulating me and I was terrified. I knew I'd be a rubbish mother, I knew that I'd damage my child, I knew that everything was just appalling and the world would crumble and aarrrghhh...

You will be fine - it's perfectly ok to feel overwhelmed and worry and not sleep. Allow yourself that. Talk to people - your parents, your friends etc... don't keep it to yourself. Talk to your boyfriend.

Be kind to yourself - you will be fine.

Agree with Rhiannon the amount of stuff I brought that I didn't actually need was a joke to be honest.
What is your set up are you in work, do you guys live together etc?
Could you get him motivated to start looking at job options again?
It didn't feel real to me until after the 20 week scan and when the baby was very active!
Are you finding out the sex/choosing names etc that side if things made it so real and exciting too!
But the fact that you're worrying about if you'll be a good mum shoes that you will be :)

I would like to thank you all for the kind words and advice I spoke to my partner and I think he has finally got the full picture of how I'm feeling and what I need him to help me with and after the talk he has been looking for a job and making a big effort to get back to who he was before he lost his job it's like this whole year of him being so depressed is over and he is trying to get his and our life back to what it should be I just hope it goes the way we both want to now we are both on the same page and can't wait to see our baby next week again and find out what we are expecting x

The things that are hard about having a baby no money can fix and the great things don't get bought. If you ate born on board you will get through. Try hard to not buy into the whole instant love and bonding palaver, it takes most people a while to get used to sharing their body and then home with another human being.

I am glad that you are being picked up as potentially ante natal depression, wish I had been. It will mean you are on the radar for help post natally. Take any help offered.

For us finding out the sex of the baby helped pre birth bonding, especially for my husband. It makes it more real.

That sounds so positive OP will you come back and let us know the sex?!
Are there any hospital antenatal courses near you? That might be something to try as well x

Just read your update op, that's great :)

Yes please let us know what you're having!