So, I was wide awake at 2am this morning, sobbing to my husband about how I wasn't really sure that I wanted to be pregnant and how I've ruined our lives and I like the way our life is now and I'm terrified that when the baby is born it'll be too hard for us to cope and he'll walk out and leave me...MAJOR pity party! It was so utterly snotty and pathetic.
He was very good and told me to stop being an idiot (which, to be fair, was exactly what I needed to hear).
I then felt really bad because of course I want to be pregnant and I want to have the baby, which set off another guilt-ridden snotfest because we've got our 20 week scan this Thursday and I'm now dreading that if anything has happened it will somehow be my fault. I swear, I used to be a perfectly rational human being! I'm shattered today, but felt much better after getting it all off my chest.
But has anyone else had these sudden, terrifying moments? I'm expecting our first baby; we have a fantastic relationship- never argue- we are relatively secure financially, we have a great support network of family and friends...there is absolutely NO reason why I should be anything other than happy and excited. But yet, I'm TERRIFIED because it's such a huge, life changing thing that's going to happen very shortly. I can't be excited about it because I don't know how I'm going to cope, what impact it's going to have, etc. etc. There are so many unknowns.
Please, someone, tell me that this is normal!? Everything I read or see about pregnancy tells me that I'm supposed to be some sort of centre of peace and light, basking in pre-maternal contentment and thrilled at the prospect of meeting our future child when, quite frankly, I am quietly freaking out! That's when I don't forget completely that I am actually pregnant and have to be reminded by other people...