2 months pregnant but dh doesnt want another child.

[druscilliah]

I've just had a discussion-more if a swearathon with my dh about the fact im 2 months gone and he basically told me to terminate. We already have an 11 and 8 yr old, hes just turned 40. I had a termination many years ago, we'd only been together 3 months, and it totally destroyed me. He has just told me that he doesnt want another child, but when i first told him a week ago he went through lots of emotions (even telling me we needed a bigger house ). He didn't actually say to terminate, but it was there. I told him in no uncertain terms i would not go through that again, to which i was called selfish. And then said apart from terminal illness or death, this was the worst possible thing that could happen. Am i being selfish? My head is all over the place. I know that if i did go ahead and terminate i would hate him forever.

Youre not being selfish or in any way unreasonable

This is YOUR decision

How dare he pressure you about this, especially given the history

I've had an abortion in the past which I regretted and if a partner tried to pressure or even just "encourage" me to ever have another he could fuck right off. I'll never do it again. Seems you feel the same in which case please go ahead and have your baby - congratulations, good luck. I hope your DP apologises. Is he a good partner in general and just being out of order as he's having a wobble, or is he often controlling and difficult like this?

If it would destroy you, don't do it. He's an asshole for acting like this.

It takes two to tango. If he doesn't want more children he should get a vasectomy and take more responsibility to minimise the risk

I had only been with my OH for around 9-10 months when I got pregnant. He was far from pleased. Even though he's 33 and I'm 24 with good-ish jobs. His worries were, we hadn't even lived together, what about finances, we have only been on holiday once together etc. He told me he wanted kids "just maybe not now, not the right time" and was edging me towards a termination (which I'm against in most circumstances) I told him I was keeping it and broke my heart crying. I knew I couldn't live with myself, or him if I'd gone through with it. I had 2 scares in the beginning and had to go for scans by myself because it was "overwhelming" for him. Which showed I was having twins and confirmed my decision I definitely wasn't getting rid of 2. It was only then he came around we had a massive talk and he's been amazing afterwards but even if he wasn't, I made the right choice.

Don't feel pushed into a decision like that. Do what YOU want. Good luck xx

Slightly different scenario but a year ago dh and I nearly split up because I wanted another child and he kept moving the goalposts, eventually telling me he didn't want any more children (we already had 4).

In June last year he finally agreed to one more, on the understanding I would get sterilised after. In July I fell pregnant, in February my dc5 was born ten weeks early and was perfect (apart from being premature). Dh is besotted with her. In fact form the moment her saw her on the first scan you'd never of believed he was so reluctant to have her.

I am keeping my end of the bargain though, and i'vemade an appointment to get my tubes tyed as this pregnancy hasn't been easy and I have to think of the children we already have too.

Not at all selfish. If he thinks having another child is so terrible, there are things he could do himself to avoid it - vasectomy, abstaining... Is this a contraception failure? Is he perhaps seeing this pregnancy as 'planned' on your part but not his - is he feeling tricked? Nevertheless, pressuring you into doing something that would cause you so much distress is terrible - what's done is done and you need to find the best way forwards as a family.

Stick to your guns. He should have had the snip. He still can now! No way I'd terminate in your shoes.

This time last year, I was in the same position as you.
I had been with DP for 18 months, he ws 41 and has a teenage daughter. I had 11 year old twins.
Found out I was pregnant, at almost 15 weeks - I had been having irregular periods, bleeding lightly every couple of weeks so didn't cross my mind I was pregnant but I thought something else was wrong.
DP's initial reaction was he would stand by me whatever - until I decided to keep the baby and he was really selfish about the whole thing. He said we didn't have room, he was too old, it was his worst nightmare, he thoughy the stress would kill him etc . All of this is quite out of character for him.
I then had another bleed, and was hospitalised overnight and he started to come round a bit then - showing concern, but it wasn't until the 20 week scan that he totally came round. It helped that our baby is a boy .
Saying that, the pregnancy was pretty awkward, DP would buy little bits now and again, but never seemed excited, and didn't tell his friends until they saw me and could see I had a bump ! I felt quite lonely during the whole pregnancy. (DP later told me he was scared something may happen to the baby with all the unexplained bleeding so wanted to make sure everything was ok before he got excited.)
Now we have a 6 month old son and he is the apple of DP's eye. DP attended the birth, cried when baby was born and cut his cord. He has been amazing since our son's birth.

Your partner's reaction may be one of shock. It's not nice for you, and very stressful but he will probably come round in time.

Thinking of you ; your thread really resonated with me, having experienced it myself. But seeing my DP with our son now, his initial reaction seems so far away.

What a difficult position for you both to be in.You feel he is forcing you to terminate the pregnancy. He feels you are forcing him into having a child he doesn't want.

Ultimately it will be your choice.

Agree with Mince, very difficult position to be in and yes ultimately you get to decide as it's your body but your DH has told you how he feels. Were you as a couple using protection?

Prior to being ready to try for DC2 l would have been very upset with an unplanned pregnancy.

He's had 8 yrs to have the snip. If he felt that strongly about a third child he's missed the boat. In your shoes I'd tell him to do one.

Sorry he is being a total cock and congrats on your pregnancy.

What a prick. Congratulations on your baby, you can do it alone if he's going to be an arse.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams yes you are right he had eight years to get a vasectomy. OP had eight years to get sterilised.

Please, please don't terminate the pregnancy if it's not what you want. I was pressured into having a termination by my partner because he convinced me I would have been selfish to have the baby. it had a huge negative effect on our relationship and I have never, and will never forgive myself for it. I've had terrible problems with depression as a result.
I don't care what anyone says about dads having equal rights etc when it comes to pregnancy - once the child is here of course it's different - but when it comes to pregnancy, it's your body, you have that bond and love for the baby from the very outset and you feel the responsibility for the baby's life. It's your choice and if you want this baby, you should have it.
He's put you in a lose-lose situation because whichever decision you make, one of you will end up resenting the other.
If you feel you couldn't handle another termination, please don't have one. After my experience I would say this to anybody: Your emotional and metal well being are worth more than your relationship.

mincespy it's not just about OP wanting the child and her H not wanting it. It's also about the repercussions of either scenario, and while H may well struggle being a dad again, I can't imagine he won't love the baby once it's born whereas the possible emotional damage having a termination could cause OP is much more serious IMO.

Thanks for the support ladies :-) he has his family to support him, i have no one. I gad my implant taken out late November and have loved the feeling of no hormones running round my body, so never went to see gp. DH knew i wasn't on any contraception on the two occasions we were unprotected. I know i should sit down with him and discuss both sides but unfortunately we're both as stubborn as each other! Im hurting so mucb right now, normally i can talk to his mum but apparently shes not at all happy about the situation, we normally speak about 3 times aweek. Since he told her the news ive not heard from her. His sister even went as far as telling him she'd heard the news and she has a spare room for him to move in!now even more confused as last night when he got back from work he took us all out for dinner, acting as if nothing had happened! I really hope this is just a wobble, but I'll still always have it stuck in my head that he wanted me to terminate. Thanks for letting me vent!

So your contraception was condoms but he chose not to wear one a couple of times?

OP, you are both at fault, for having unprotected sex without having agreed to another pregnancy and child. If you could admit that to each other, it would probably help you to talk more kindly about how to move forward. It's your body, and ultimately your right to decide. But he is your partner and this child's father and he has a right to his say, and to choices about his life.

Involving his mum and sister isn't going to help anything, and the fact your DH is now acting essentially passive aggressively is not good. Do your best to reopen lines of communication and talk honestly about how you feel, without accusation.

Why is he against it?
Financial issues, your career, he will have to work for another 10 years? his looking forward to freedom from child centred life?
Seems strange you both knew there was a risk of pregnancy and now he is angry.
His family will take his side. But will all prob come round when baby is here.

Bit of a drip feed OP, you both knowingly had unprotected sex. I think that puts a very different spin on things. He knows unprotected sex can and does equal pregnancy, he needs to accept his responsibility for this situation.
Wonder if he's told his mum and sis that he knew the risks or is he trying to pretend he didn't know you'd had the implant removed?

I have to say, I think it has absolutely F all to do with his family, so don't take any notice of what they think or say. Nothing to do with them at all.

Not at all a drip feed OP.

It's too late to decide he doesn't want another child. he already has one. Terminating the pregnancy won't change that fact and wipe out the consequences of his actions (and yours of course). However you respond, there will be consequences.

He knew the risk he was taking just as much as you did. now he needs to accept the consequences.

Don't let him pressure you into a making a decision you could bitterly regret for the rest of your life.