I dont love my DH

[Shyni85]

Hi I am currently pregnant with DC3 and I have just realised, i dont really like/respect my husband any more.

After my DS2 was born, in 2013, we stopped having sex and i did not mind (i dont think i fancy him to be honest) and he never initated it. Sex has never been good and we only ever did it for conception. After 7 years of marriage sex still hurts and is uncomfortable and not at all pleasurable. I think the fact I am not aroused by him may be a factor....Jamie Dornan on the other hand...

Then 6 months ago, we did it once for the sake of it i guess, not sure what the reasons were but i can pinpoint the exact date/time as it was literally a one off and i got pregnant. It was silly of me to assume that i wouldnt get pregnant, but because we dont have sex i am not on any contraception.

He stopped working 4 months ago because he needed to 'find himself'. He still has not found anything and says he is busy looking after the DC, who are in nursery three days a week.

I work full time and my salary is sufficient for now but it is going to be difficult with the third child. But he is not motivated to do anything. when i bring it up he sulks and says he is useless and goes into a spiral of self blame, then 10 mins later its all 'back to normal'. I am starting to sound like a nag, so i have stopped saying anything.

I am 30 and i feel like my whole life is wasted. I am married to a man i dont love (i married him when I was 22 because my mother said i was far too ugly and fat to find anyone else and had such a terrible childhood i just wanted to leave home. Culturally girls cannot live alone, but move from parents home to the husbands home....also he was the first man to ask for marriage after seeing me at a friends wedding and we married three weeks later)

My parents say that culturally marriage is for life and its all about the children now. That women are not entitled to be happy, but their duty is to ensure their children and husband are looked after and they are happy.

His parents say i put too much pressure on him and i should stay at home and look after the kids. I did raise the point that there will be no income coming in if I stayed at home, but they did not seem to hear that. They say once a woman is married then its for life.

Children with two parents are the best and it is the duty of the parents to provide them with security. That divorce will lead to the childrens ruin and it will be all my fault.

I want my children to have a happy childhood and know what its like to be in love and to be happy.

I am 30 and have no idea what good sex is, i have never felt the butterflies or excitement of love, i dont have the security of friendship/kinship ...etc and a new baby is going to ground me even more and there is no escape.

Outside we look like the perfect family. But indoors, it is a prison.

Is it the duty of a mother to sacrifice her happiness and her life, for her children? And is a mother who doesnt a bad one?

No, it's your responsibility (and your husband) to balance the needs and wants of both you and your children. No one is designed for a life of miserable drudgery. If you have daughters, I imagine you would want a very different life for them.

It sounds as though you are in a very difficult situation within your marriage, your wider family and your community. I can't say what would be best for you but I suggest that you talk to your midwife, who will be able to support you and help you to arrange confidential counselling so you can work out what you want to do.

Your husband sounds depressed. Would he be willing to see a GP to talk about it?

Sorry to hear you're going through all this. Would your husband be open to relationship counselling? It might help...

Also, you could post this on the 'relationships' board for more advice.

Oh my goodness. I hope you can see that you are getting lots of advice which seems to take into account everything except your happiness. And I think it's clear that an unhappy mum has an impact on the children. I can only imagine how hard it must be to go against your family's culture but it seems your husband brings you literally nothing. No financial or emotional support, no intimacy and having you to lean on is giving him a way to stagnate. I'm sure he'd find a a job pretty sharpish if you left him. It's an awful and old fashioned attitude that if you marry someone even if you're miserable you should just lump it for the rest of your life. No one wins. I'm sure your husband isn't happy either. You are still so young that there is still so much time to have all those things you crave and should have the chance to have. If you know you don't want to be with him anymore you have to work up to separating. If it costs you some familial support then maybe that's the kind of support you can do without :( I'm so sorry you're in this position but count the positives. You're the one with the job and you're still Young. You're the one holding all the cards. Don't let anyone tell you you should stay miserable - for what? Good luck x

If you sacrifice your whole life to your kids and husband all you will achieve is teaching your daughters to do the same and your sons to expect the same. Then you'll be dead, with no life of your own to show for it. What a waste.

'Would your husband be open to relationship counselling? It might help...'

I suggested it and response is as expected...he threw a huff, said he was useless, few more comments with self blame/feling sorry for himself and then storms upstairs

10 mins later comes down and asks whats for dinner.

I have done this dance many times. He always throws a huff and next minute like nothing ever happened. And I look like the nagging troublesome wife

'I'm so sorry you're in this position but count the positives. You're the one with the job and you're still Young. You're the one holding all the cards. Don't let anyone tell you you should stay miserable - for what? Good luck x'

But don't children need two parents? isn't that the best most selfless thing parents do for their children? don't children thrive better when they have both parents in one home? Seems many women thinking of leaving their husbands seem to get a lot of hassle for breaking up the family unit and being selfish (sorry being going on to divorce/family forums).

Seems traditional views on family is still very ripe in today's society where married parents are considered the best foundation for family, regardless of happiness.

Truth is if I was to leave my DH then my family will go to court and fight for the kids to stay with my DH, as would he and his family. I had PND after my first child, so they would use that and all their influences and money to ensure that I get nothing.

My own father said that he would support DH and ensure that DH gets half the house (the house is part owned by myself and my father, and I am the one who pays the mortgage) and he will make sure I never see my DC again

Leaves me very little choice

You don't fancy him at all, sex is a chore and you don't enjoy each others company..... There has to be more to life than that! I'm all for trying to make a marriage work but the basic foundations have to be there to build on.

It sounds like you could benefit from some personal counselling to address the issues about your childhood and to give you some confidence to break free of this.

I had an awful childhood and a mother with severe mental health issues and it took me two divorces to finally break free of both her and my wrong marriages. I am now happily remarried (again!) and have a toddler with my new dh (and an older dd from my first marriage). I am 34 so only a little older than you and I still consider myself relatively young.

I think staying in a marriage just because of children is a receipe for disaster. It will just destroy you in the long run and the most important thing from a child's point of view is to see their main carer happy and feel secure with them.

Having pnd doesn't mean you are less likely to keep custody of your dc. I think a lot of what your family etc have said are empty threats.