Need to get this out somewhere safe .. I hope this is that place.
I am in the very early stages of pregnancy with what I hope will be my 2nd child. I had an ectopic in October of last year and I have an almost 4 yo, who I had an incredibly happy pregnancy and birth and found the entire experience empowering and wonderful. The ectopic was a very scary and upsetting time and after trying for over a year it was a hard hit.
Now I'm pregnant again after very much trying and I'm really surprised and unprepared for how scared I feel about utterly everything. From losing the baby- to being poorly and the effect it'll have on my dd if I mc.. suffering really bad sickness again (as I did with her..feeling very nausea today and had the most awful headache yesterday that I'm too scared to take anything at all)
Moving on to the birth I'm scared that my weight will affect both the pregnancy and birth, I am 4 stone heavier this time and very much worried that this could cause issues. I'm scared of all the possible things that can go wrong during birth. This is ridiculous I know.. no one can predict or know or change what will be.
I'm scared that I won't bond with baby. This is a really hard thing for me to admit. I suffered from depression and anxiety during 2013/ early 2014. Anxiety is still an issue at times. Having never suffered depression prior I now feel very vulnerable and terrified I'm more likely to get pnd. I felt very attached and in tune from day one with dd. . I'm trying really hard to get excited about this baby but it feels like there's a block. . Obviously I'm only 5 weeks and there's so much time ahead but it's worrying me. I'm worried about ruining the perfect family unit I have right now. My dd is desperate for a sibling but what if she struggles to adjust to the reality? What if I can't cope with her needs and the babies? What if the first weeks of breastfeeding are awful again. What if me and dh don't last? What if having another ruins everything we have? What if I don't find work again and my children suffer because I've compromised our financial security?
I could go on. I don't feel calm. I can't get calm.. I've got mu hypnotherapy cds out but I can't relax into them like before.
I have trouble with intrusive thoughts .. I.e ill just be driving along and my brain will interject with a nasty little scenario whereby I crash/hurt us/someone else .. or ill be on the shop and notice a man and my brain plays out horrible worries of being attacked etc. It's an exhausting effort to keep pushing then away and tell myself "stop it.. This isn't productive/healthy.. stop being silly"
This seems be worse atm and I'm sure it's stress related.
I could go on but I'm hoping there are others who can help talk this through with me. . Reassure me even. .. If I read this when I was pregnant with dd it'd be unrecognisable to me. It's all so different and tainted now post mc.