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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Was finding out the sex the right decision for you?

25 replies

TerrysNo3 · 18/03/2015 14:58

I am 15 weeks pregnant with DC3, we have a DS (6) and a DD (3) already. There is really no reason to know the sex and with both previous DC I have been adamant that I wanted surprises and I loved finding out when they were born.

This time however I can't stop thinking about finding out. I am concerned that I might regret it though as I do love surprises and there aren't many of those in life anymore!

So, have you ever found out the sex and wish you hadn't? Or have you had surprises and then found out for subsequent DC?

I guess I'm looking for experiences of people who were not sure about finding out but did and whether you thought that was the right decision or regretted it.

Thanks :)

OP posts:

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 18/03/2015 15:11

I'm 39 weeks pregnant and found out I am having a boy, I wanted to be prepared plus wanted dsc to get used to the idea of having a baby brother or sister, knowing it's a boy has really helped dsd come round to the idea as it means she is still daddy's girl and dss loves the idea of having a brother.

People kept saying to me "but don't you want to be surprised" my response was "I will be surprised just at the scan instead of birth"

piechuck · 18/03/2015 15:13

We found out but kept it a secret from the rest of the world so there was still an element of surprise at the birth (just not for us!)

happygojo · 18/03/2015 15:17

I haven't spoken to anyone who has regretted either way. I think I will find out, my DP is desperate to know and although we don't care I think it will help him bond.

At the end of the day, all you will find out is whether your baby has a penis or a vagina. You won't know their quirks or personality or how they look so it will still be a surprise I think. Well, even without surprise I don't think anything can spoil it.

Tapwater · 18/03/2015 15:18

I don't get the 'surprise' thing. Either way, it's not terribly surprising, is it? It's not like you're going to be faced with a midwife saying 'Oh, it's a rabbit!' If you are thinking you would like to find out the sex, there isn't any reason not to. It never occurred to us not to ask at the relevant scan. It was just another piece of information technology lets us have access to, like head circumference or femur length.

HazleNutt · 18/03/2015 15:22

Several women in my antenatal class didn't find out with their first - but interestingly all did with their second.

CaptainAnkles · 18/03/2015 15:22

We wanted to know both times but my hospital had a policy of not looking at the sex when I was pg with DS, so it was a surprise til the birth. With DD we paid for a scan at 23 weeks to find out.
I much preferred knowing the sex during my pg than having to wait to find out.

pinkandsparklytoo · 18/03/2015 16:04

I had a surprise for my first two then found out with my third. As soon as they told us I wished I had left it to be a surprise. I had thought I didn't mind which sex the baby was but it turned out that I did. This time I won't be finding out.

Tapwater · 18/03/2015 16:09

Pink, you know yourself best, obviously, but I've found from friends' experiences that several who found out the sex at the scans and were disappointed (when they hadn't consciously thought they had a preference) were afterwards pleased they had done so, because it gave them time to come to terms with the feelings before the baby came....?

duckbilled · 18/03/2015 16:11

I found out with dd and never regreted it. I loved being able to plan for her. I am going to find out with dc2 too, I think it will help dd understand.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 18/03/2015 16:15

Yes. It's still a surprise! Just at a different time.

Kraggle · 18/03/2015 16:16

I wasn't sure if I wanted to know and kept swaying between the two. dh really did want to know.
Then some friends of ours wanted to gift us some clothes and baby items that were very pink and we decided to find out so we knew whether to buy new or if the gifted things would be ok.

I'm glad we found out. I did have a sinking feeling when I was told dd was a girl as I was swaying toward boy and I would not have liked to have had that feeling at the birth.

We will find out again for the next one I think. I have realised I am too impatient to wait 40 weeks to find out!

dinoswore · 18/03/2015 16:18

I left the decision to my DH both times (they don't get much say in anything so I let him have that) and he wanted to find out both times.

I didn't regret it at all. Don't really understand what the big fuss is about having a surprise on the day of birth tbh. But then maybe that's just because I haven't ever done it that way!

We still speculated all sorts of unknowable details - weight, hair or no hair, colour hair, who they will look like etc. And we didn't choose names until we saw our babies either, even though we knew the genders - we wanted the name to really suit the child.

proceeding · 18/03/2015 16:20

I didn't find out either time and didn't regret it. It was lovely being told when they arrived. I have two daughters so in preparation for the arrival of DD2, I just dug out and washed all the gender neutral new born stuff and then got out the more "girl" bits and pieces once she was here - although they were born at opposite times of the year and DD2 spent the first six months in babygros so they didn't get much use!

cathpip · 18/03/2015 16:23

Didn't find out with dc1, but have done with the other two and will do with this one. My spare time is precious, I like to get things sorted before baby arrives rather than afterwards :)

applecore0317 · 18/03/2015 16:23

I'm with some of the others, for me the surprise is who they will look like, what their personality will be like, and all the other things we don't have a clue about. Also seeing their face for the first time, knowing that I am having a girl doesn't take away from all that :)

ouryve · 18/03/2015 16:26

In the grand scheme of things, unless you have unrealistic expectations, there's not a lot to regret.

The hospital wouldn't tell us way back when I was pregnant with DS1 (hospital policy) and it was bit of a PITA wading through the sea of pastel pinks and blues for some properly gender neutral baby clothes. Not many shops were all that obliging, at the time - many were still a very old fashioned sea of pink, blue or white
+. We did find some gems heavily discounted in Gap, though, and some fab, brightly coloured sleepsuits in Mothercare of all places. Their stuff didn't wash that well, but it only fitted DS1 for about 2-3 weeks, anyhow!

justmeeee · 18/03/2015 16:30

I never understand when people say the reason they didn't find out before the birth is because they wanted a surprise - it's a surprise whenever you find out, surely?! Just a prolonged one and delivered in a different way if you wait.

For me, there was nothing that could have topped the moment I met my DS for the first time and finding out at the scan (if possible) satisfies my impatient side and breaks up the pregnancy a little bit! Makes it easier in name discussions with DH too! I like finding out while still pregnant and am hoping to do so again shortly with DC2.

MuddyWellyNelly · 18/03/2015 16:41

I have found out but only a week ago (21+1 today). However we are keeping it a secret from friends and family.

This was a very much wanted baby (donor egg after years of infertility) and I thought all that mattered was a healthy baby. Of Course that's still all that really matters, but DH and I were both picturing very vividly a girl. We decided to find out, and turns out we were wrong, it's a boy. Now I feel, very shamefully, a little deflated. I can't decide if it's because I actually subconsciously wanted a girl, or just because the "visions" were so strong and I've not adjusted yet. I also hate myself a little bit for feeling anything other than pure gratitude that everything seems to be going well. I have 3 nephews (and a niece) all of whom I adore, so it's not like I don't like boys . I'm probably just full of hormones!

I have plenty time to adjust, but I wonder if it would have been easier to do so when faced with a real life gorgeous newborn rather than just the (still slightly unreal) concept of one. I'll never know of course. Ironically I think a boy makes the donor egg/who does he look like stuff easier, as a boy will inevitably look more like his Dad.

And we only have to figure out one name now!

ThatsNotEvenAWord · 18/03/2015 16:43

I didn't find out and the moment once my son was born and my husband exclaimed 'it's a boy!' is one of my best memories from labour. I won't be finding out in any future pregnancies for that reason

TheAuthoress · 18/03/2015 16:56

I found out with both of mine and everyone knew and I didn't regret it. I enjoyed picking a name and calling baby it as it made it more real for me, and choosing clothes etc. I was still excited to meet them and see what they looked like.

Some people were very rude about my choice to find out, one older work colleague said that where she used to work two girls were preg at the same time, one found out and one didn't, and they were all excited to find out when the one who didn't had had her baby but weren't bothered about the other one as they already knew what she was having. I snapped back that I'm sure she was very excited to meet her baby and didn't give two hoots what her colleagues were thinking!

Skeppers · 18/03/2015 16:57

I'm (hopefully) going to find out next week! I literally can't wait.

I've not really felt pregnant thus far and I think that being able to give the baby some sort of identity at this stage would help me to bond; being able to use 'he' or 'she' instead of 'it' or 'the baby', or giving it some sort of random nickname like a pet (in the last couple of weeks we've had "Baby Bell Pepper" and "Beef Baby") will help with this and make it seem more tangible.

And yeah. Also the name thing. It took us about 5 years to decide we actually wanted a baby. At this rate, choosing a name will take another 5 years, let alone coming up with one on the spur of the moment!

It won't make any difference to clothes I buy. We've bought a miscellaneous selection of girls/boys/unisex clothing thus far in a variety of different colours- we just get what we like. I ultimately don't have a problem if people can't tell if my baby is a boy or a girl, I'm not dressing them to make them more easily identifiable to strangers. I'm not going to randomly go out and buy pretty pink princess dresses (bleurgh) if we find out we're expecting a girl.

My mother, on the other hand......! (she's on a warning!)

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 18/03/2015 16:58

Agree with justmeeee, it was still a surprise when we found out at 20 weeks! It's a surprise whenever you find out. And whether you choose to find out in advance or not, there's only 2 options!

I didn't regret it at all and have decided to find out with our second too. When DD was born, I was so exhausted after 48 hours of labour with no pain relief that they could have told me she was a rabbit and id have just said 'oh how lovely'.

TSSDNCOP · 18/03/2015 16:58

I didn't want to know. I was certain that I had no preference, but I was concerned that if I was told before birth what the gender was I would somehow then wish it were the opposite.

I was thoroughly enjoying pregnancy, I didn't want the risk of months of having to give myself a talking to. I also firmly feel that if there is a subconscious preference the rush you feel at birth simply stamps that out.

Original poster

TerrysNo3 · 18/03/2015 17:01

Thanks all

ThatsNotEvenAWord I also have that memory from both DS and DD and I think that's probably what is going to sway my decision not to find out. Especially with DS, who was our first, that is the most special memory.

OP posts:

whatsagoodusername · 18/03/2015 17:07

We didn't have a choice with DS1 - it was very obvious on the scan . I had thought he would be a boy.

We found out with DS2. I was pretty convinced the baby was a girl. So it was a bit "Oh", and not comfortable. I am glad we didn't have that at the birth.

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