How to sensitively break pregnancy news to friend?

[Focusfocus]

Dear wise ones,

I am newly pregnant with first baby, conceived first month of trying. I've also recently had two massive professional successes/milestones.

My friend in question - 11 years older - a remarkable lady, talented in so many directions, has had a bizarrely sad personal life involving a spouse dying at the prime of their child bearing years. No kids. Since then she has had a failed relationship, job rejections resulting in severe dejection and a ticking clock that has placed her over the age of 40. I have over the years seen her struggle enormously with news of pregnancies including family pregnancies and her urge to have a child and a family are so palpable you can tell it on her face. I feel awful that there's nothing I can possibly do.

Now, ever since DH and I got married last year, she's been bringing up the topic of me getting pregnant countless times. Every time she brings it up her face contorts into a look I cannot describe. It's Almost as though she is in pain. It could be something like - me saying oh we've installed a new washing machine, it's acting up and she says - new washing machine huh, that's going to be usefu for washing all the kiddy clothes soon then? Ad looks crestfallen as she speaks. Or - DH saying - look dear pup has learnt new tricks, and she will say - great so you must be the one to toilet train the kid then. And again the look on the face is indescribable. The last time we met, she brought up my future pregnancy and kids 9 times in two hours. From completely unrelated issues. Each time with a quiver in her voice almost.

We haven't announced the oregnancy yet. But I am at a complete loss as to how to tell her. I feel guilty that I am getting this, have a steady progressive job, career, this and that and she wants this but feels life has passed her by. She is into her 40s now and even said something like she needs a break from living (!?) in a very very light tone of course.

Any advice on how to tell her? We will never do Facebook announcements. So everyone will be told individually. Do I tell her when I tell others? Cannot possibly tell her face to face. Should I do it at night? What should I do? Things are at a point where she brings up pregnancy and kids at every sentence on the rare chances we meet and I can't look at her because I know how much she wanted one wanted a family.

Write her a letter.
And I don't mean to be harsh, but be prepared for the fallout.
She may congratulate you or she may go silent. It's up to her how she responds, and I think you should ease gently out of the emotional caretaker role you find yourself in. She's not your baby after all!

You have other things on your mind which need and should get your attention!

Congratulations

You sound like a very caring and sensitive friend, and this is a very tricky situation. It sounds as if, in a way, she wants the news of your expected (by her) pregnancy out of the way so that she can deal with it, so the sooner you tell her the better.

Only you can judge if it would be better to tell her face to face or by letter. Could you make her one of the first to know so that a) she doesn't hear it on the grapevine and b) if she reacts really positively, you can say, 'I wanted to tell you early because you're a very dear friend'.

I have a friend who is childless, not by choice (a similar shitty deal to your friend). She's my DC's guardian and has been a very sweet surrogate aunt to them over the years. Would that be something you could think about in the years to come (not at once, obviously)?

Anyway, good luck with your pregnancy and baby - and with your friend.

I had a similar situation with my best friend. I sent her an email with the news before it became public knowledge, so that she could react however she needed to before we spoke. I knew she would want to be happy for me but that it would probably hurt her badly. It also meant that I could plan the wording carefully.

However as a PPP has said, only you know your friend, you may find that you think she'd prefer the news in person xxx

Your call how you tell her but based on my experience of going through ivf and struggling at times with hearing pregnancy announcements I would opt for non face to face in the first instance. She will be happy for you but that is unlikely to be the first emotion she feels and it is hard to mask that hurt in person (and this is based on me and I haven't had as many tragedies as she has and could still for the most part pretend I was ok with pregnancy talk...she sounds like she's struggling a lot more with it). Don't believe that because she has mentioned it loads of times she will be ok with this. There's a self preservation at work trying to get in first with the news. If you are close enough that she will comfortably cry in front of you and talk openly about the pain she is feeling at not having a child, then face to face may be an ok option but I'd still go letter or text first with a meet up very soon afterwards. You can explain in your message that you've deliberately chosen to tell her this way to allow her time to process the news. For me, I knew my friends knew how tough I was finding it so they didn't need to spell it out when they told me by text-I was just very grateful.
And thank you on behalf of everyone who is struggling for not announcing it on Facebook. This is the kindest thing you can do.

Good luck whatever you decide. The fact you care and are thinking about how you tell her means you'll do the right thing x

I agonised for ages over how to tell a friend with fertility issues about my pregnancy. In the end I sent a text and said I didn't expect any response at all from her if she didn't want to offer one, and that I'd be there for her any time she felt she wanted to see me. In the end, she replied almost immediately with congratulations, and said it was a good way to hear. She has found it hard at times though and has seen not a huge amount of my kids.

Congratulations! I endured years of trying to get pregnant and several pregnancy losses. I agree with PPs. Don't tell her in person. I would email her and let her know but don't dwell on her own situation. I would have hated to feel like I was being pitied. Something simple along the lines of "Wanted you to be one of the the first to know...." Is all that's needed. If you want her to play a particular role in the baby's life then you could also mention it then. That way she has time to come to terms with and process the news before she actually sees you.

I also agree with a previous poster that her constant mentioning babies and children to you is a form of self preservation.I used to convince myself before seeing anyone that they were pregnant and brace myself for the news. That way when they told me it wasn't such a shock and I could genuinely marvel and say "I knew it!" To try and distract from the awful pain I was feeling.

I've had a similar situation. Knew it was best not to share the news face to face as we'd previously discussed how hard it can be to hide true emotions. I tried to be sensitive without being patronising but there's no way of knowing how your friend will feel at that moment. My friend said she was really happy for me & that it wasn't difficult news for her to hear, but having said that, our conversations since then seem to completely avoid talking about the pregnancy or baby. This is understandable and I'm trying not to be self-absorbed and talk about it, but I do feel sad that our relationship will be different. I really hope I don't lose her as a friend but it's a possibility I have to prepare myself for. It sounds like your friend has been trying to prepare herself for your announcement so maybe when she finally hears it, she'll cope better.

I had no idea how emotive babies can be until my friend starting having fertility issues & I had a miscarriage. I now find it incredibly insensitive when people make announcements on Facebook & I've really thought it through each time I tell someone.

Best of luck to you. You're clearly a kind friend so I'm sure you'll handle it with great sensitivity.

I agree with the others, as someone suffering with infertility and miscarriages - I'd agree with text or email when she's likely to be at a home. I always try and gauge whether I think someone is planning or ttc so that I can try and brace myself for announcements so perhaps that's why she's bringing it up. You sound like a really caring friend so I'm sure you will handle it sensitively

Thanks ever so much all of you for your insights and for sharing these experiences from both sides of situations like this. I cannot imagine announcing things on Facebook, and every person I will tell I will thoroughly think through. This morning I told my heavily pregnant good friend back in my home country and she was strangely subdued. She is in her late thirties and lives in a country where not having a child well into a seven year marriage is frowned upon and she knows she can't have another for a range if reasons.

Anyway, I think I will email this friend my op was about, but not mention the fact in any way that I am trying to do this gently etc. you're right she wouldn't want pity, and who am I to pity anybody! At best I feel grateful at the little things going well for me, and sometimes I actually feel guilty which I know is irrational.

Thanks so much once again, xx

focusfocus I have just been through exactly the same. I have a good friend who has been TTC for years and has had 4 failed IVF attempts and she takes every pregnancy announcement very badly. I've been worrying about telling her before I was even pregnant.

Anyway what I decided to do was to email her. Sounds cold I know but I thought if I go and see her then she would immediately have to pretend to be happy when really she would be dying a little bit inside. And then she would have me in her face doing the whole pitying 'are you OK' thing and she would feel horrible. So I sent her an email and explained why I had done so. She messaged a few hours later saying congratulations but nothing else. The next day I tried to chat with her on WhatsApp like we usually do (non preg related chat) and I got one word answers and then she stopped replying so I left it. And then the next day I got a message from her saying she was so sorry she hadn't been chatty but she isn't in a great place and she is happy for us but she finds it so hard as is jealous and the recent baby influx is just making her want one even more etc. So we had a great chat where she said she promises to be happy for me and I promised to understand if she can't be all the time. It was awful upsetting her but we also couldn't put our TTC on hold for fear of it. It's such a sad thing and I want her to have a baby so much.

I agree that it's best to not break the news face to face. But I'd opt for a good old fashioned snail mail letter. As if you text or email, you may still catch her off guard and unintentionally upset her. Whereas with post, she'll definitely be in the comfort of her own home. Most likely after work. So if she is upset by the news, she's in her comfort zone already.
I say this because I have suffered from fertility issues and recurrent miscarriage for several years, and I'm sure several friends have dreaded telling me their happy news. But I have still felt ambushed when I've received a text (of worst from a bridesmaid and former best friend - a Facebook message) during times when I've been at work or not at home. And my instant reaction to the news is usually bursting into tears, as although in delighted for their joy and good fortune, I can't help but be reminded that it's not going to happen to me.
You sound so caring and it shows such strength of character and value of friendship as you're putting so much consideration into this.

i do feel sorry for you and your friend, and think you sound like an amazing friend to be so thoughtful.

what would you want her to do, if the roles were reversed? it might help if you think of it that way?

if it were me, i would be upfront - i would send an email, and i would say something like, rightly or wrongly i get the impression this might be difficult for you ti hear, and i will totally understand however you react, but it won't change anything about our friendship, and i will be waiting to see you whenever you are ready.

even if she struggles with it at first, hopefully she will come to see that your baby is part of you, and is someone else to love her. fingers crossed!

I would also add that if she seems distant during your pregnancy don't despair that your friendship is ruined. I always found friends' pregnancies very hard to deal with and would be insanely jealous of their bumps. I would find myself avoiding seeing them if possible. However once the baby arrives then it was always ok. I could be happy for them them

Sorry trying to post on phone...
Once the baby was there it was just lovely to see the baby and have cuddles and I didn't find that difficult at all. This may just be me being odd of course but if your friend finds your pregnancy difficult hopefully it will be easier for her after.

Just an update. So I finally told her after a scan showed babe is cooking nicely. Nice long paragraph on our usual IM platform (the only place we chat/catch up etc) - saying it's not officially out yet till one more month but telling people we are close to, it's about 2 months. Was quite a longish paragraph also asking her how she is and how her latest work related thing X was (shed been talking about it).

She replied with - "congratulations, x"

Why do I feel terribly guilty?

Because you know that behind that one little word is possibly some tears or a 'kicked in the guts' feeling. And you only know that because you are a good friend who cares who realised your happy news wasn't going to make somebody else feel happy. Have a massive hug. You've done the hardest part, now let her come to you with questions about how the pregnancy is developing. If/when you next meet up, try to resist going on about it (I think you'll be ok with this based on the sensitivity you've shown here), but don't feel you have to hide it. For example, if she asks how you've been it's ok to be honest and say "felt a bit tired/nauseous/weird/etc actually" but she doesn't need to know all the detail about how you could only eat cheese toasties, your DH has had to cook every meal because you're too exhausted etc etc! Do you get the idea?? If she asks then tell her about it all.

Your friend will deep down be happy for you-I always was. I just hated the fact my first feeling on hearing such good news wasn't happy but like somebody else has said, once the baby is actually there/I see a birth announcement I didn't find that anywhere near as difficult.

Congratulations on a good first scan and may the rest of your pregnancy be smooth xx

Thanks so much for your kind words. Ever since I met my (now) husband, settled into my career, bought the house, got married etc, I feel we a moved further and further and further apart. A few months ago, she cancelled meeting me and said she couldn't cope meeting up just then owing to various things and my "domestic bliss" - since then I've just not known how to talk to her, or what to do. The thing is - I am acutely aware that life can alter in a flash, the recent air disasters are just a tragic case in point. Also relevant - she met me at a time when I was in the middle of a massive life upturning heartbreak that had turned my world and head actually absolutely upside down and since then my life has just spun around 360 degrees. We talked loads and loads then and she was one of my only remaining cheerleaders, but now, things have just drifted to a point where even meeting up seems to go through 7 cancellations for one meetup.

As I wrote this, I realised that maybe it's time to just let this go and be there if and when it picks up. I am not acutely sad or anything, but just perhaps - pensive.

Hi Focus I have been in a similar position on both sides.

Your friend will no doubt be feeling hurt (not by you, but by life) only her actions will look like she's punishing you. Don't take it to heart. It sounds like you know how she feels anyway and was very thoughtful of you to be concerned about telling her in the first place (some people just don't think or get too carried away with the excitement). It is hard showing you are happen when you are eaten away with sadness. I don't doubt she is happy for you but she is probably taking a step back to prevent upsetting herself further.

At the same time, concentrate on yourself as well. If meeting up is a constant struggle because she can't face what you have and she doesn't, I would suggest taking a big step back. She may come round and contact you first... if she doesn't I would be tempted to leave the friendship alone. Sometimes people do drift apart for good, unfortunately that's just life.

Wishing you the best of luck in your pregnancy!

showing you are happy**

It's horrible when life takes you away from someone you considered to be a good friend. My bridesmaid of only 3.5 years ago is a bit like your friend in that she is so wrapped in her own troubles it is becoming difficult to meet up with her because we have nothing to talk about unless it is how bad her life is which after a while gets exhausting. I'm sad we have drifted apart but am having to just leave it to take it's course because I know I can't be the person to help her move forward in her life (she says she doesn't want children and that nor does her partner yet gets very upset when talking about pregnancy or her bad back which she will say means she couldn't handle pregnancy...yes the one she says she doesn't want...) and for the sake of our previous closeness I have to take a step back and hope we can get back to where we once were. Sorry that wasn't meant to be about me but to try and say I understand where you're coming from and this doesn't make you a bad person or friend (or if it does then we can be bad pregnant friends together!) As my DH keeps telling me, sometimes you have to put yourself and your happiness and well being first and this may mean leaving the mood Hoover friends to one side
X

Feeling loads better. Just told my other good friend - he is gay, male and is my Will of Will and Grace :) he was ecstatic and all ohh emmmmm geee and wants to go baby clothes shopping! Haha, feel loads better :)

There you go. It IS happy news and there will be plenty of people who will celebrate with you. Your loyalty and thoughtfulness towards your other friend is wonderful but it really us ok to celebrate your news