Best Friend Gone AWOL

[ImpatiencePersonified]

Gah, I'm a sticky position...

My bestie has been trying for approx 3 years with her fella to get up duffed. For the last year of that I've also been trying with my fella - we're now 11+6 and she's been referred to a fertility clinic to start IVF.

I knew she'd be gutted when we fell pregnant and decided to tell her in a way she wouldn't have to hide, or mask her disappointment or feelings so choose to text her when I knew she was at home with her husband. Had it been any other situation I would have called her, or met her, but I just didn't want to have her pretend she was happy for us if you see what I mean? Its great news, and I know she's chuffed for us but I also know that it'll be ripping her apart seeing someone else get what she wants so badly.

So anyway, fast forward a few weeks now (we told her early so that she had time to adjust before everyone else knew) the four of us go out to dinner. It was nice, but there was just a weird atmosphere and since then I've barely heard from her.

We never lived in each others pockets, but I had some pretty grim internal demons to deal with before finally accepting I could be a good mother... she knows the battles I've had I genuinely thought she would show an interest in how I'm doing, but nothing really. If I email or text her, or suggest meeting up I get a vague response but nothing definite. There's no ill will but I don't feel I can talk about being pregnant, I feel guilty to make it worse I feel out of my depth and am selfishly looking for her to support me as I've supported her over the last 3 years (and would love to continue to do so if she lets me).

Am I selfish cow? Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can make this better? I thought the last 8 weeks would have given her time to adjust but sadly its just distanced her.

Pffft its hard aint it?

I've had exactly the same thing with my SIL. I would suggest to back off a bit and let her come to you, I made the mistake of trying to talk before she was ready and I think the damage is well and truly done now.

I really hope you two work things out x

Ahhhh i totally get where you are coming from, the same happened with me. My best friend and her partner were trying for about 18 months for a second baby and nothing happened. She was bitter and angry at everyone around her getting pregnant saying they were 'rubbing it in her face'. Suddenly me and my partner fell pregnancy accidentally and i just didn't feel like i could tell her. When i did tell her she acted excited and was like 'ahhh why didn't you tell me sooner?'. Unfortunately i lost that baby, but i am now nearly 30 weeks pregnant and when i first found out i did think 'oh no i have to tell her again' and luckily she was supportive and in fact she is pregnant now too! But she is not really talking about it or getting excited even though she wanted a (second) child really bad. So i think this may be a coping/adjustment phase.
I also had a bad situation when we announced to my BIL and SIL that we were expecting and she burst into tears as she had a MC two weeks before. I felt so so bad for her as i know what it is like. Unfortunately she didnt speak to me for about 2 months which was hard, until she got pregnant herself and now all is amazing.
From ANOTHER angle i know what your friend kind feels like, just after i had my MC my brother announced his partner was pregnant and it broke my heart. I hated that i lost my baby and wasn't going to be a mum and it was hard to deal with, then to hear my brothers partner was pregnant was really hard. I was supposed to be meeting up with them a few days later and i cancelled as i felt putting on a brave face would be too difficult.
So i can see from all angles here, there is no right or wrong way to deal with this as everyones feelings are valid. I don't know what to suggest, it is really hard!

Yeah thats good advice thank you stinky

I guess I hoped she'd want to be part of this, but I understand its massively bittersweet for her and she needs time to deal with that too.

Give her time and space, but let her know that you are there. Me and my step-sister have never been close, but she keeps trying to make contact now we are both preg.

The thing is, I had an MC last year, and if that pregnancy had continued we would share a due date. Instead I am 3 months behind which I know is SUPER LUCKY to have fallen again so fast but talking to her is a constant reminder of where I feel I should've been by now. I mean her no ill will and I am happy for her.... but it is also hard to talk to her.

She'll come round. After my MC my best friend stopped sending me pics or talking about her little one, and I had to tell her to start up again because I lost my baby not hers and hers is super cute and makes me smile.

Maybe tell her it is ok to be weird about it? you are probably tip toeing around each others feelings

Hope it all works out anyway

Thanks ladies,

We've had the chat about being open and honest with each other, but to be fair she played it safe and chose all of the phrases I knew I would if I was in her situation... "so happy for us etc." but its her actions that say otherwise. She's gutted and she's struggling with her own journey; and whereas she used to share that side of things with me, now its like a closed book. If I ask her about how her appointments go, I get a brief synopsis but she wont open up anymore about it.

I do remember her saying if there was any justice that we would both get pregnant at the same time, and I have been WILLING that to happen - but its out of both mine and her control.

I just wish we could go back to normal, I could support her and she could do the same for me

Ok you've asked for advice so I'll be honest.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

You definitely shouldn't feel guilty in anyway for being pregnant but expecting her to support you "as I've supported her for the last three years" is unrealistic and a little bit on the selfish side. Did you really only support her to get something back from it or did you do it because you were her friend? The time around being referred for IVF is in my experience the hardest bit emotionally as I hated the fact we hadn't achieved naturally what everyone else managed to do and was petrified at the thought of "what if even this doesn't work? What if I can never fall pregnant?" There is never a good time for a close friend to announce her pregnancy when you're struggling to conceive but unfortunately for you this definitely isn't one of the better times. Whilst your life is moving forward with lots of excitement but also anxiety (as you're discovering), your friend is also moving forward but on a very different path. This may well mean right now you can't support each other and acknowledging and accepting this might make it easier for you. It doesn't mean your friend isn't happy for you or won't be excited when the baby is born but right now she can't support you in the same way you can't truly support her because of the different paths.

As pp have said, give her space, send the occasional text to say hello, and find other ways to look after yourself in the meantime. IVF is as all consuming as falling pregnant so don't take it personally if she doesn't keep in contact as often as you'd like-I promise based on my experience it isn't a reflection on how much the friendship is valued. My best friend is now more in contact with me now I'm pregnant, sharing her experience and knowledge, but we drifted apart a bit during my treatment because her life was full of her second child and being a mummy whereas mine was scans, injections and hormones.

Congrats again on being pregnant. I hope it all goes smoothly from here and your demons don't get the better of you
Xx

Thanks for your honesty 2015isgoingtobeBIG I really do appreciate it.

I was worried I was being selfish and I guess you've confirmed my fears. To be clear though, we've been friends for donkeys and my support wasn't on elastic for 3 years... that's just how long baby talk has been in the air and she's needed support on that particular bit. I guess I hoped it went both ways...

I'm chuffed it worked for you, and thanks again for the insight - I hope she has the same fortune, its all she's ever wanted and I'm heart broken for her and with her that its proving so difficult.

Exact same thing happened here. My BF started trying three months before us but it then took DH and I 20 months to conceive (am now 39 weeks) during which time BF and I went through fertility testing and ttc together. We talked about EVERYTHING and even agreed how we tell each other of we got pg (via text and when we knew the other's dh was in - so well done on HOW you told her!). She is still not pg.

After her initial excitement she totally shut down for months and i hardly heard from her. But since I started to show (25 weeks-ish) she's been much better. Really good in fact.

What I would say is back off but keep in touch with her via text about things which are important to her - maybe regular updates on her job; or daft texts about stuff that's made you laugh or whatever. Make her see that you're still her friend and not just a mummy to be. The reason I say this is she might not realise that she's not talking about the baby. Since I got pregnant it's all I think about but that's not the case for non-pregnant people. Also, she needs to see hat the things in her life are still important and her not having a baby doesnmt mean she's got a lesser life.

Like you, I also wanted her to be there for me but actually on reflection I have the most amazing thing in the world (regardless of my journey) and she doesn't. I decided therefore to keep her updated on pregnancy but get 'support' from other friends.

My friend is AMAZING! I wish she could be pregnant. I would do anything for her. It is soooo hard from all sides.

CONGRATULTIONS on your oregnancy which I hope you find people to enjoy it with and hope your BF comes round soon (I'm sure she will). You sound like a great friend too!!

Bit of a ramble but hope it makes sense.

m33r thank you so much, your post just had me in tears (not hard to be fair, I cried at roadkill this morning!)

It makes perfect sense and I'll follow yours and everyone else's advice and just stay back a bit. Let her know I'm here, but not be overbearing with my occupied womb!

I knew I'd get the truth from you ladies, thank you

If I can be really honest it sounds like you're upset because you want to share this experience with her which is a little bit selfish because that is clearly very difficult for her. Consider - the possibility of never being able to have a child is a life-altering thing for a woman who desperately wants to be a mother. At least she's responding even if it's not with much enthusiasm. Give her some time and space. She probably needs more support than you do right now but that can't come from you at the moment. You can celebrate your pregnancy with everyone else but don't expect too much of her. It must be very painful and you should try not to take this temporary withdrawal personally. Good luck x

I am pregnant with my first child, and I conceived on the first try, first month. This is something I will never tell anybody unless it's an anonymous forum or unless I am specifically asked. Likewise - I will also steer clear of birth announcements, definitely no announcements or bump photos or scan photos anywhere on Facebook, and no birth arrival cards either. Partly because it's foreign to my culture, although my husband is British. But mostly beacaue being on the Mumsnet conception boards for a year before we even started TTC (just to learn what's involved) has been an absolute eye opener to the trials, struggles and uphill journeys some of us face. I have been incredibly lucky that I didn't have to experience TTC at all, and I am crossing everything that this bean sticks. That doesn't mean people shouldn't do these announcements of course, but I am just trying to say I feel overly sensitive to others journeys somehow.

My advice to you would be that your friend needs support far more than you do at the moment. And secondly, much as you may want - that support cannot come from you. If the best way for you to support her now is to let her be then let her be.

On a completely different note - my best friend at work and I have both recently been trying to apply for some external prestigious grant funding. I got it. When I got the letter and opened the envelop with the news, I was over the moon and she was right there and I immediately told her as I read the letter myself. I will never forget her face when she heard as she said "congratulations, so happy for you".

And this is a baby. I personally would totally just leave her be. No, you cannot try to ask her about her ivf because you cannot be the person to support her at the moment. The best and only thing you can do for her is to focus on yourself, your pregnancy and keep conversations light and chatty when they happen. Leave all baby related ivf related issues to her to bring up, and if she chooses not to bring up with you, then fine too. As for her supporting you through pregnancy I think that's a bit much to expect, and you should look for this support elsewhere. This will have to be a phase where you two cannot support each other at least for the time being, simply because life has treated you very differently. The tables could be reversed in life at some other point, and if they are, you'll know that the best way to support someone sometimes is to remove active aupport form the equation altogether for the time being.

Thanks ladies, all really valuable points and appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Cornberry I guess I am a little upset that I cant share it with her, we share a lot of deep and emotional stuff, and given my past (which I wont bore you with) this is the biggest, scariest thing to every happen to me. I understand what you're saying, her needs need to come first and its only right I respect that and keep away. I'm sure hubs will do all he can to support me, I just hope her hubs is doing the same, because I'm not sure who else will be there for her now she's closed down on me and I would hate for her to be going this alone.

Congrats focusfocus yours is a lovely story that warms my cockles - its lovely to hear that it worked first time without any heartache for you!

Ok so I'm probably going to get flamed for this but..

You have every right to feel a wee bit selfish. She's your best friend. Of course you want her to be there for you. It is an exciting/difficult/challenging time for you and your partner. And we all need support from those closest to us.

Of course it's hard for her as well but that's not your fault either. And from what I'm reading you would gladly be there for her in a heartbeat (and already have been).

If I were you, I would simply send her an open invite to yours for tea/coffee/cake/lunch and a catch up. Remind her that you'll always be there ready to listen whenever she is ready to talk. But that until she's ready to chat, you'll keep contact to random, how are you doing, funny news/things you've heard etc.

In the meantime, look after yourself. Maybe try some aqua-natal classes to find people at a similar stage as you?

Oh and CONGRATULATIONS

comeagainforbigfudge thank you so much, I don't feel quite so much of a cow now

Its a fine line I think aint it and I have to admit to not feeling 100% sure of what side to be on. I think I'll take your advice and look closer to home and see how I get on!

imaparience whatever you feel, it shouldn't be like a cow! This is new to both of you - and all of us! You're doing great and sound like a great friend.

Good luck with it all

My friend fell accidentally pregnant last year, and while she was pregnant I miscarried a very desperately wanted baby. While I knew it was wrong and unfair, I felt SO angry and jealous of her pregnancy. It was shite, I knew it was not fair on her, but I just felt so horrible and bitter that I ended up avoiding her for several months. I reckon your friend might be feeling something like that - just so sad that she's angry.
I did force myself to talk to her more right towards the end, but it was still so hard. I got right the fuck over it when her baby was born ill and spent most of the next three weeks in the newborn ICU with them, though!

I'm sure your friend will get over her feelings, and you'll be friends again, too. Just give her time and make sure you keep in touch and keep giving her openings to start talking.

You are totally not a cow, you've given a lot of thought to her feelings and that's really kind of you - many are not so generous with their empathy. Unfortunately though your friend may simply not be capable of being that support for you - I know the kindest thing my best friend did for me when she was pg and I was doing ivf was to let me keep my distance. I wanted desperately to be a better friend and was ashamed of my jealousy, but at the same time anything - anything - to do with pregnancy sent me into such despair. When you go through ivf you really do have to go into a little bubble, hopefully things will progress swiftly for her and you guys can rekindle the friendship proper once you are both in the same boat. Remember she will be aware that stress will adversely affect her chance of success, in which case she might avoid situations she would normally push herself through. It's simply a reflection that this opportunity to have a child must trump everything- even if it means risking a good friendship. You sound like a lovely friend, and at the same time you deserve to be spending your time and energy with people who are able to truly share your happiness. I really hope things work out for all involved.

I think you sounds like a lovely friend, who is missing having support at a very exciting but scary time in her life. There is nothing wrong with that! However I believe that friendships go through cycles, when you are really close and times when you drift as your life changes. A sign of a real best friend is that you ride out these changes and remain friends. I was single for a long time as friends went on to get married and have babies. So naturally we drifted but still kept in touch but perhaps not as much as before. Now i'm married and preggo I'm getting closer to these friends again and probably drifting from my single friends. but that is life.

I second what others have said on here, give her space for a while. She is probably battling her own feelings and so doesn't want to say the wrong thing whilst her feelings are raw. I wouldn't necessarily explain that to her but just back off subtly. In time hopefully you will be close again. I haven't been through IVF but I imagine it must be an emotional rollercoaster so she is probably just trying to get through it so it either thinking you are fine (as you have got pregnant) or not wanting to add to her worries.

Perhaps she feels as though, because she can't be elated for you right now, that she'd not be bringing any happiness to the table if you spoke and saw each other a lot right now?

She could love you but be upset and not want to ruin your party

Hi impatience my friend and I are experiencing a similar "friendship block" at present and I don't have any advice but just a handhold to share your pain . I want to be pg, but can't (undergoing treatment) she is pregnant but it's happened before she planned. We are finding it awkward to be around each other at present as we just can't see each other's situations for what they are. She is bricking it that she can't afford a baby, has no room and it will put a strain on her relationship. I am bricking it that the baby I'm trying hammer and tongs for will never come.

We've been friends for 20 years so are trying the any conversation but babies approach as a lead in and will build on it as we get used to the situations we are in.

I have been in your friends situation while trying for DC1. You are soooo happy for your friend but at the same time it feels like you've been kicked in the gut - and you feel unbelievably guilty for feeling that way. If she is a friend worth having she will be trying so hard to give you what you need, but may need some time to process.
On your upcoming baby (sorry for the hijack)

It's so hard, I've been both sides of this, although sadly more often on the non-pregnant side.

I wish I was pregnant now. We've been trying 20 months and have had a miscarriage in that time. Recently I've had several friends tell me they are pregnant. I'm finding it really hard. Yes I am pleased for them but right now being around pregnant people is painful for me. I can't be involved in lots of baby talk and planning. I want to scream and cry about the fact that I'm not.

I've been there before as it took 20 months and a miscarriage to conceive DD.

While I was pregnant with her I found a previously close friend suddenly went distant and contact became sporadic. She had been trying for a couple of years and confessed it was just too hard.

It's one of those things that can be very hard to deal with. I hope your friendship endures and that she also gets what she wants soon.