8 weeks - lonely and in less than ideal situation

[itsallgonetitsup91]

Hello just wanted to talk to someone really. This was all very unplanned and quite a shock. I found out a few weeks ago that I was pregnant and it was a really difficult decision to make, but I’ve decided to keep it. My DP is lovely and supportive, but has been honest in telling me that he wanted me to have an abortion, but it was obviously my decision to make. We haven’t been together that long, just over a year, and we’re skint. I’m just starting a new business – something which I’ve never done before – so it’s not the greatest timing, but it is something that could work with having a young child, although obviously very difficult.

I haven’t told anyone else apart from him and my doctor. I stayed at my Mum’s last weekend but it never seemed the right time to tell her. Out of 5 friends I would normally confide in one is in India, another in Abu Dhabi, another has had some serious health problems recently so whenever I see her I don’t want to talk about myself, and another girl I can sometimes be close to had a stillbirth recently.

Recently I have been swinging between feeling very apprehensive and anxious, then going on to feel very positive and excited. I haven’t had the balls to tell DP yet that I’m deffo keeping it – I feel guilty that he’s in this situation which has ultimately been out of his control. He does want kids he just didn’t want them for a few years yet, he wanted to have them when he was more financially secure and not so soon into a relationship which is something I wanted as well TBH. But I feel really guilty that I’m keeping it because I just feel like I’m forcing him to be a parent now, I’ve really tried but I just can’t talk myself into having an abortion. I’m normally a very rational person and before this happened I would of advised myself to have an abortion, because our situation is far from ideal – I don’t know whether it’s hormones or something else but I feel really attached to it and just couldn’t get rid of it.

I’ve felt proper shit the past few weeks as well with headaches, fainting, feel sick unless I’m chomping on toast, can’t poo, hurt my bum when I did poo, boobs so sore a gust of wind hurt them. I feel sorry for myself and I’ve got no one to whinge to. I also feel sad that I’ve got no one to share my excitement with at the moment. Sorry for rambling on I’ve just had no one to ramble on to.

Argh! Just typed huge reply and stupid phone deleted it!!!!!

Argh I appreciate the effort!

So first off Argh! ! ! ! ! The HIDEOUSNESS that is early pregnancy. Grim. Just grim. This won't be helping with how you feel about this or how you are coping. So be kind to yourself. Experiment with whatever food or drink helps you feel less rubbish. And rest as much as possible.

Next up - TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND MUM! They will be excited for you (even if surprised at first) and they will be supportive. Which is what you need. Can't find the right time? There's never a right time. Can't find the right words? Just say I'm really excited to tell you I'm pregnant! You'll feel so much better when you've told them.

This next should maybe have been the first - PLEASE STOP FEELING GUILTY. Your DP presumably understands how babies are made and presumably willingly had sex too!!! Not trying to be flippant but both of you are involved in creating this situation (and baby). There is always a risk of preg when you have sex and having an abortion is not necessarily a simple solution.

As for DP not wanting to be a dad yet well I don't have much advice but there might be some sort of counselling type thing available that could help him talk through his thoughts and fears and could maybe help the both of you work out a way to cope and deal with becoming parents.

You say you're skint - babies need love not tons of money. There is a lot of help and funds available out there. I'm not quite sure how you'd access it but midwives or health visitors or GP or BPAS should be able to advise.

Finally congratulations as it is congratulations however scared or confused or worried you feel right now. Good luck and more hugs ((((()))))

Retyped the gist of it :)

And re friends even the one with the health problems will probably be delighted for you and thrilled that you told her and relieved to talk about something other than herself!

Thankyou I think I'll give my mum a ring at some point today and tell her. And I'll spit it out to DP so we can stop stupidly skirting around the situation. It's obvious anyway because I haven't drank or smoked in weeks, and these things were previously my favorite past times - if I wasn't keeping it I'd be downing bottles of wine and chainsmoking.

I think I'm worried as well is me and DP were to split up I feel like I'd really struggle on my own. I'm worried as well that I'm going to bring something I love more than anythig into the world and there Dad resents them for one reason or another. But I am really excited for the challenge.

Early pregnancy is often full of this roller coaster of emotions.... You will probably feel steadier about it in a month or so. Telling your partner is key; you'll be able to talk more positively to others once you have this out of the way.

Just wanted to say that your responses to the situation are quite normal, and things will get easier in the emotional sense...
Good luck!

You may be surprised by DP - you may not split up. And even if ultimately you do, it doesn't have to be acrimonious. There are soooooooo many people who are single parents. And yes it's hard but they make an enormous success of it. Hell there's plenty of people still in couples who manage to balls it up anyway! As you say - it'll be a good challenge! And there's loads of dads out there who have been in your DP's situ (my cousin for one) but when the baby arrives they love him or her more than life itself. Good luck with telling people. I bet you'll feel loads better for doing it xxxxx

Just wanted to say I agree with PP - you are not forcing your DP to be a parent. You both had sex and abortion is a very serious decision, not a form of birth control.

Early pregnancy is shit, so just do whatever you need to do to get through it. I agree that telling your mum & friends will help, but I would try and think about how to do this sensitively re your bereaved friend. I've never had a still birth, but have MC'd and would have found news of a friend who'd got pregnant by accident hard to take after that. I'm not saying those feelings would have been rational or fair, but they would have been there. I would never have let it show to a friend though (or at least I'd try to hide it).

Good luck with you pregnancy

Hi,

Similar ish situation 13 weeks pregnant and my boyfriend of 7+years has split up with me and effed off to Australia because I refused to have an abortion after him dragging me for one.
I'm lucky to live at home still an have supportive parents I've just turned 24 and still in Uni so timing wasn't the best but I have been told I was infertile from ages16! This was my only chance of having a successful pregnancy so I'm giving it a go and hoping it is as successful pregnancy.

I think/hope your dp will come around and be supportive, tell your mum and enjoy the experience (obviously it's harder when you feel sick and have things on your plate) but try and enjoy it.

If your DP really doesn't want to be a dad he doesn't have to sadly but hopefully it won't come to that (my nob head has decided no one is allowed to know I'm preg incase his mum finds out so he will be having no contact which makes me sad for my child) I'm sure you'll be a fabulous mother.

I hope you feel happier soon

Yeah the hormones has made me feel an emotional wreck, feel like I can't think straight, fuzzy headed all the time. I don't think DP is going to just walkaway, but it's quite a strain on such a new relationship, so it's hard to tell what will happen.

My mum raised us on her own, I think I turned out well enough if I may say so But there is no denying that it was really a big struggle for her, even when I was very young I was aware she found it very hard on her own. She had her own issues going on but she was a very fun and loving mum.

Re bereaved friend as soon as I start telling people I've got to tell her, that gives her the choice to avoid me instead of me avoiding telling her if she just can't be around it. The last time I saw her she said she was finding it difficult because on FB everyone was preggers or had young babies. I'll just be dead honest and tell her that it is really unfair that she lost her baby and then I'm pregnant and it was unplanned - because it is. Is she hates me for a bit I think she's entitled to. I wouldn't take it personally no one should be expected to think rationally when they're bereaved.

Thanks for all the kind messages, I really appreciate it xxx

Hi OP, I don't think your friend will hate you, she'll just find it hard. Just make sure it comes from you and not via the grapevine or a Facebook announcement. Maybe even tell her first out of your friends.

THEworrywart

What a gobshite im sure you and your baby are better off without a coward like that. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with this situation though, it must be very sad that someone you've shared so much time with has acted like that. Just think of how many dangerous creatures reside in oz...
It's good that your parents are supportive, I'm 23 and just graduated uni last year - so very simular stage in life.
Despite all the crap you must be made up to be pregnant after being told you were infertile, and you've done 13 weeks so over the major danger time.
And re not telling anyone - it's not his decision to make now that he's done one. Keep positive

I keep burping I've never burped in my life, not little ones like massive belches it's horrible. I'm reasonably slim, always had a little pot belly, but I've become so bloated I actually look pregnant and feel like i waddle.

Haha pregnancy wind!!!! For me I also started farting like a trooper. Mortifying. I think these days I've lost all sense of shame though :) and yes was uber bloated too. Pregnancy is WEIRD.

Sounds like you're feeling a bit better about things now? I hope so.

Hi :)

Just wanted to give you some reassurance really. When I fell pregnant with my first, I was 17 and my partner (who still is my partner) was 19 we had been together just 5 month and he was my first boyfriend. Of course he wanted me to have an abortion as we was young etc, I was working part time and him full time, both living at home with our parents. I didnt want an abortion so he said he would stand by me regardless, even though you could tell and see he didnt want to be a parent. However when our son was born he was full of happy emotion and took to being a dad straight away.

Our oldest is now 6 and im 24 and we since had 2 other little boys who are 3 and 19 months old, and im 29 week with our 4th little boy, yes at times its been hard and we havnt always had great jobs and lots of money, but our boys are happy and loved and looked after. At the moment he works full time and im a student but we manage.

It is very scary, but sometimes it can work. People didnt think we would last 2 minutes but yet here we are.

And i sympathise with early pregnancy its awful, it will hopefully get better, snack and rest (when you can) and stay hydrated.

And definately tell people, you need all the support you can get, I kept my 3rd and this pregnancy a secret until 21 and 23wk and its awful, so much better now people know, no idea how, people didnt guess before they did as im of slim build too and while i I have a small bump i I look like ive been eating way too many cakes haha.

Congratulations too :) x

Thankyou for all the support and encouragement it really has meant alot to me. I've told DP and he hasn't flipped or anything but not said alot, so just going to leave him to it for a bit.
Haven't got round to telling my Mum yet we keep missing eachovers calls, but will do as soon as poss.

mumxof3x thanks for the reassurance - I think he will give being a Dad his best shot but I'm not getting my hopes up or relying on that fact, I'll just have to see what happens.

Thanks everyone again, feeling a little more positive xxx

Hi, hope you're feeling a bit better! Wait until you're a bit further along and hormones really take over
I'm currently nearly 33 weeks now, and I'm 22 years old.
Very wanted pregnancy although of course it still came as a shock!
Glad to hear your partner is becoming supportive but remember to always rely on yourself too. I'm with my partner and we've been together nearly 6 years, but I don't think that the length of time together particularly counts for a lot. We have been on and off in the past, but problems can arise at any time so don't feel too bad about your situation, even when you feel like people are judging. I thought my money situation was great before pregnancy, had 2 steady well paid part-time jobs, my partner works and has his own place, in which I spend a lot of time at.
However since becoming pregnant, a few months in I lost one of my part-time jobs and obviously couldn't look for another one as there's not many places that would be willing to take on someone at 5 months pregnant, plus it would have to work around my hours of my other job. So I had to cut my losses and get on with it and it's been a struggle money-wise and lots of things have happened along the way, proving you can be in the best situation possible to bring a baby into, but then that can change at any time in the pregnancy or even after so don't be too hard on yourself!
You will learn how to cope however hard it is. If your close with your mum it will be a bit weight off your mind when you tell her. It took me a short while but she is as excited as I am now! Good luck