advice from women needed please

[nc4434]

I am a man writing here because I need advice from women.

I am 32 and about to become a father for the first time with my partner who is 37. She already has 2 kids from her marriage. We met last March and were head over heels in love with each other, she didn't want any more kids but I wanted to be a father and so we got pregnant pretty soon after about 3 months of dating, some would say this is silly but we did kind of discuss that because of her age we didn't want to leave it much later.

Anyway since she's been pregnant it's like she's a different person, there is very little intamacy or affection and it's like she can't stand being in the same room as me most of the time. This kind of came to a head yesterday when I asked her what was wrong and she basically said we shouldnt have got pregnant, that we should have established a stronger foundation for our relationship first. Then she told me she needed space , so I left. I asked if she still felt the same about me and she said it's different now.

I can't even tell you how much this hurts me, not to sound like a wuss but tears are running down my face as I type, we are 1 month away from our due date and what should be the happiest moment of my life yet I feel deflated.

Could this all be hormones? she could barely go a day apart from me before she fell pregnant and now even when i dont see her for a week she can hardly raise a smile when she see's me again.

Please help ..

I can't obviously answer for your partner as only she knows how she's feeling but being 8 months pregnant is hard going. Hormones are all over the place- she'll be constantly tired and uncomfortable and probably pretty fed up so it could be a reason.

I'm 8 months pregnant and I love my DH dearly but must admit being intimate is the last thing I fancy being at the moment - I'm just too tired and uncomfortable so don't give up hope. Just be there for when she needs you.

Good luck and hope it all works out.

I agree with Cisforcat, am 34 weeks pregnant with thyroid condition and some of this is probably hormones, tiredness & generally feeling bloated & not confident. Me & hubby together nearly 17 years now, married nearly 10 & usually active sex life - love each other dearly, but not done the deed since Oct 2014 as I just am not in the mood due to the hormones & worry about baby being safe. Recommend you offer a lovely quiet night in with bath, candle light & massage / foot rub after some nice food & good glass of lime & soda & say sex off cards, she may see you as the gentleman you are and / or suggest she sees doc / midwife for check on how hormones are doing / how she's feeling; blood test will probably help...

Thankyou both for you advice and I will take it on board.

The thing I get from both your posts though is that you both love your partners dearly.

When I asked my partner if she still feels the same about me she said 'it's different now'. She also won't tell me that she loves me which i've asked her to do now for the past few days as I need reassuring.

I will follow your advice though...

When pg last time I felt like this about my DH. Unfortunately we miscarried and as soon as the hormones changed I went back to feeling very loving towards him. This time around I haven't had that same alteration and have felt fine towards him the whole time. I think hormones have a lot to answer for. Whatever the reason, your lives are going to change dramatically in the next few months and the best (and I would say the only sensible) thing for you to do is to be there to support her in every possible way - she may well come round. Do be prepared for the fact that once the baby comes you won't be the centre of her world anymore - sorry if that sounds harsh but that's usually the reality of having a baby together. Good luck

Looks like I was right to be doubtful as she has pretty much ended it with me :(

Sorry to hear the latest. I'm sure it's easier said than done, but the best thing for now would probably be to try to offer what support you can with the birth and then the baby, and see how things pan out. You may get back together or you may not, but hopefully you can have a relationship with the baby at least.

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I can't know what really goes on through your partners head and if this is hormones or not (I'm only 17 weeks). In general, if your partner wasn't pregnant, I would have said give her less attention so that she gets a feeling she might lose you - works wonders sometimes when ppl take someone for granted. But with your partner being pregnant this is definitely not a good idea.

Only thing you can really do now is follow her wishes. So if she says she needs more space, give it to her. If you are around and/or calling/texting her too often she will still have a feeling you are there all the time and that possibly makes her feel that's you're all over the place and desperate. I'm not saying disappear/go quiet and let her suffer, not at all, but just give her the space she needs. Once you're out of the picture a bit more she might actually miss you and your continuous support and realise how great it was/is to have you around and your care. And lastly, try not to show desperation and how much you're suffering. This can be quite a turn-off for women, no matter if pregnant or not, especially in the very young stages of relationship.

Good luck to you OP and hope everything will be great for you two.

Oh no, just saw your last post OP. Very sorry..!! Agree with Redsal here, however, still try not to overwhelm her with your care/presence.

Right, alot of angry messages were exchanged yesterday and im kind of annoyed at myself, i realise being whiney is not attractive to women.

She sais i need to grow up, that she doesnt want to end it just yet but that i can only see them at weekends until she knows shes sure. I got pretty angry at this as dont like to feel like im a new employee rather than a loved one.

But i havent messaged her today, maybe youre right if i dont make contact with her for a few days she may come to realise she does love me.

I sympathise with your situation. It must be awful for you being pushed away when you want to help and support her.

But I think if you have any chance of saving this relationship, you need to respect her wishes and do exactly as she asks right now, without showing her how hurt and angry you feel. The more you stress her the more she'll back away. Do you have friends/family you can talk to about this, maybe other dads who went through a similar experience?

She may not be thinking rationally right now. Her hormones might be responsible for all this, or she might be so anxious about the baby she's doubting everything. Or maybe there's too much change all at once and she can't cope with such a new relationship on top of it all. It doesn't sound like she can offer you the explanations or emotional support you need right now, so I recommend not raising it with her until she's ready to talk. She may change her mind about you once the baby's born. I don't think she's treating you like a new employee, but I do think she's re-claimed her territory, and it sounds like you are now on trial until she makes up her mind!

For now, I suggest making the most of the time she has agreed to spend with you. At weekends let her guide you as to what she wants/needs. Don't complain, don't tell her about your feelings or put any stress on her. Just be gently supportive, try to be easy-going and entertaining, try to make her laugh. Offer to help out with jobs she might find difficult but don't take over. Be sensitive to her moods and leave early if she says she needs space.

I really hope things work out for you!

Thankyou Sukie

She messaged me last night, and I was quite short in my reply, not rude, and not whining, just short.

Is this the right approach? If im a bit distant then maybe if she does still love me she will come back.

Yes I think this is the right approach for now. Keep messages short but polite, and let her be the one to initiate. She might start missing you and craving your attention once she's had some time alone. By giving her space you're doing exactly as she asked, and by not giving too much away or discussing it, you'll come across as more mysterious... it's likely she'll be intrigued sooner or later and want more contact. Good luck!

Sorry to hear this OP. I am in a different situation in that I am pregnant with our first child and my husband is the one being hormonal. Tbh its missing me off. He us about to be a father, is 39 and acting like a child. I feel i could do a better job or be happier on my own. Since being pregnant i have lost all patience with this behaviour, he is no longer my priority. This may be what your partner is thinking if she says you need to grow up.

Also, its a testing time for any relationship, let alone such a new one. Be there for her, offer support but don't be a walkover. Good luck!