What to say to friend whose last chance of IVF failed?

[Interrobang]

New friend and I both have a child of four years old, so she does have one, and counts her blessings. She had her last attempt at a sibling for her DC1, which she just told me was a no go.
She is a new friend, we met through our DC1s a year ago, but are both new-ish to the area so neither are surrounded by longterm close friends, I like her a lot and would say we are good friends.
I am nearly seven months pregnant. How can I be sensitive to her, is there anything special I can do? She says she is as fine as you can be, won't try IVF again, so this was it for her.

Sorry if this is in the wrong section, I didn't want to put it in the infertility section.

I have friends who have had IVF fail for them too. They are now looking at adoption. The thing they said helped the most was people willing to say anything. The fact that I was willing to listen and wasn't embarrassed to talk about it was good. It seems there is still quite a taboo about infertility.
I sent them a big box of chocolates with a note that said "I know chocolate can't fix anything, but it can't hurt!"

I have a friend who is going through treatment. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, which she did. I just listen really and say I'm sorry she's having a shit time with it.

In your shoes I'd follow her lead a bit when the baby comes and try not to complain to her about sleepless nights etc.

It's a tough one and you sound like a good friend.

To be honest there isn't much you can say but being opening to listening and talking is good. Try not to give examples of urban legends of miracle conceptions after IVF - this isn't what she will want to hear.

A nice box of chocs or some flowers and a hug are a nice suggestion. In a few weeks check in with her to see how she is doing.

I'm no expert but those are my thoughts. We've just been through our first IVF cycle which failed and we've no DC so I maybe know a bit of how she might be feeling.

Thank you for all the replies.
I hope to be a good friend, it's just that we don't really know each other all that well, but we are both in the same boat in that we are newish here, so I don't know who else she has on hand, as opposed to established friends she can at least call. I feel like she and I could be great friends.

I bought a nice little card today, will consider chocolates but am not sure, she may feel like it's making a fuss. I don't know! We spoke on the phone today, she sounded like she had already come to terms with it.
I will try and just be there, and listen as and when. Am just obviously conscious that all being well, I will have a new baby in a few months.

Thank you.

makingdoo, sorry your first round failed, I hope success is still on the cards for you.

Having been through 4 IVF treatments myself, having anyone around me with a bump or newborn was hard. The fact you are asking how to handle this situation, is so lovely and caring :) it's the small things that matter, like just being there to listen, you don't have to understand what she is going through, just listening matters. I agree about not saying about sleepless nights etc as she will give anything to be having sleepless nights.
It's difficult to find a middle ground but helps that she has a child if you know what I mean?
Makingdoo-sorry you have had a failed cycle. Never give up hope :)

I do think it makes a huge difference that she has a child already. Although now happily pregnant (through donor egg), what I found so hard about infertility was all the things I would never get to know about. I'd never experience pregnancy or birth or sleepless nights, or when to give them calpol or those tiny newborn snuggles and on and on. It's like some sort of secret club that you can't join. If your friend was trying for her first, I'd definitely say don't try to make her feel better about childlessness - for example I've had it said to me " oh honestly I think you are better off, sometimes my children are just so tiring/annoying/restricting/whatever". That's no good. I didn't want to hear that.

As she already has one though, I think you just have to be there for her, tell her you are sorry it hasn't worked, and then go into listening mode. She needs to process in her own time. Ask her how she is, and ask her if she wants to talk about it. Don't feel guilty about your baby, and don't avoid her either. (Just try to keep the facebook status updates to a minimum!). One of the reasons I didn't tell people about my struggles was that I'd have hated the sympathy, or worried that people were avoiding me. Sometimes I'd have to brace myself for pregnancy announcements or going to visit friends and their newborns, but it was and is important to me that I didn't wholly shut myself off from this important part of other people's lives.

You said you think you can be great friends. Judging by your post, you already are :)

Thanks, Faithope and MuddyWelly.
I feel like I can empathise as well as you can not being in the exact same position as this pregnancy of mine took a long time coming, and we were set to start IVF in January had I not fallen pregnant by then. Luckily I had, but we were trying for many cycles, and I too found it hard seeing and hearing about pregnant people. But I am now pregnant, I don't want to be inadvertently upsetting her. Not that I can help being pregnant.
Muddy, I am that anyone could be so insensitive as to try and highlight the positives of being child-free, that is so crap!
I will just do the hugs and listening, and try and follow her cues.
Congrats to you both on your pregnancies.

I agree with the others. Nothing you can say will ease the heartache of a failed cycle but just by being open to listening or talking about it you will be helping more than you realise. I didn't necessarily always want to talk about my treatment and sometimes was ok with talking about babies, pregnancy and all that entails. I couldn't have told you when was a good day or a bad day or what would hit a raw nerve because for me it was unpredictable and would sometimes catch me unawares.....a Facebook announcement from someone I went to school with but haven't seem in 15+ years might upset me for no reason despite it being online whereas I was fine somebody telling me in person an hour later. I also never begrudged anybody their own happiness, more felt sad that I couldn't experience the same occasions or emotions. Your friend will be happy for you but let her initiate conversations/visits about your pregnancy and your child when they arrive-that way she is in control and if it's getting too much she can just excuse herself from the situation.
The fact you are asking means you're unlikely to be the person rubbing her nose in it or making her feel worse and that is worth a million hugs.

Thanks, 2015.
Sorry for your own situation. (hugs)

My first cycle of IVF failed and I was distraught for days just sobbing in my bedroom. I did already have a child but that makes it no less painful.
My friend who had easily had three children texted me simply saying that she could imagine how bad I must be feeling but she was here for me. She then turned up with flowers and a bottle of wine.
It was the acknowledgement of my loss that helped.
My SIL was newly pregnant at the time and I couldn't face her at all. It was best she stayed away from me until I came to terms with it.

I know, Tt - well, not the same, I didn't have to go thru IVF, but every month that AF turned up, I mourned not having a sibling for my child. (Still so grateful I did have one child though.) But here I am, finally pregnant, and I just hope she can come to terms with hers being an only. I think she felt her chances weren't high, but still, this feels so final.
I will just try and be there for her, if she needs me. She may well not nee me! I don't want to cross the line if she has friends she can confide in better than me.
She's texted to ask to have us all meet up this weekend with the kids, so I am hoping she is feeling ok around me.