i think i want kids but he thinks he doesn't!

[solntse]

hello all!
have decided to come on here for a bit of advice and support from people in similar situations in order to help me see things more clearly!

i am 39 and met the love of my life a year ago.he is 9 years older than me and has already has 3 kids 17 - 22. i have always really wanted kids but ended my last long term relationship when i was 33 and have tried to school my thoughts ever since into submission. you will never have any children!
he is not dead set against it and we have only talked a little on the subject (because i have avoided it to a certain extent), however, he said he doesn't want any more children.
the biggest hurdles for me are definitely my age and the general info stating that things go quickly down hill after 40 and also the fact that we are currently not living together as i have to move to canada for us to be able to be together(!) this is going to happen in the next couple of months.
we are so happy together and i wonder am i asking too much good fortune from life and should i just be contented with a life with just the 2 of us. will i regret not trying? what if there's something wrong with the baby?

sorry for the ramble - i hope there are a few of you out there who have been in the same position

I think you need to have a serious chat with your partner and think about what you want. If you want a child and he doesn't then as hard as it seems you need to decide whether you'd rather have your relationship with him or leave for the chance to be a mother. Having a child was hugely important to me and I would resent being in a relationship with someone who did not want that too. But that is just me others may well feel differently.
You have said that he is "not dead set against it" but then that he doesn't want any more. I think that you need a good discussion to see where you both stand.

I think you need to be clear in your own mind about whether or not you want DCs. Only then can you decide what to do next.

hi its a tough situation to be in I wasn't totally in the same boat but my partner didn't want kids right away . We are both 23and have been together for 6 years but due to medical problems I was told if I ever wanted childeren I was to do it now, he said he didn't want to and at the same time it was a rush and we hadn't lived but he knew it was something I wanted. We have a1 month old daughter who is my life and we are expecting our son in 13weeks so its been the case of we have our kids now while we have the time to and then thats it complete. Im sure if you tell him how you feel he might be understanding and say give it ago he might not but you wont no if you dont try.
If you really want to be a mother then tell him your moving in together so why not shy barns get nowt!
Hope you find a bit of help im not to good at talking like this hehe:-)
Good luck

If it was me I'd probably have a happy accident. But I'm a bad person.

Well if he absolutely doesn't want children and you do, you either break up with him and give yourself the chance or stay with him knowing it will never happen. Don't stay in the hope he'll change his mind. You'll end up resenting him.

You need to stop avoiding it and talk to him properly.

thanks everyone
these are really helpful replies
you have all pretty much voiced my entire range of feelings
-including the Happy Accident option
(would i feel guilty about that?)

i have realised i am not ready to give up on the whole thing of having kids
and it's circumstance rather than our relationship that is making me hesitate
and the fact that i don't know what i'd do if he categorically said no

i guess once you've got kids - if you have them- you don't look back and you can worry about something going wrong with the baby at any age

are any of you older mums?

wishuponastar, that's exactly how i feel but i can't resent him in the long run for something i wasn't brave enough to talk to him about!

also, because of my age i had thought that it was game over anyway until i met him

I'm pregnant with my first at 39... I'm 40 in May, due in October. If it's something you really want, you must talk to him.

thanks stinkersmum!
i'm 40 in october (eek!)
but we can't move in together till august/september
as i have to save a bit before i can afford to go to canada
and won't be allowed to work there yet
the limited time allowance all feels a bit overwhelming
were you a late starter too?
did it take you long to get pregnant?

I disagree with tricking him into it, imagine if it was the other way round, you said no and ended up having one forced upon you, I have no doubt he'd love the baby but it's disrespectful to him and unfair on a baby who could potentially end up with a Dad who wanted nothing to do with them.

I do really understand about the age thing, I'm also 39 and due any day now, I spent a lot of time Googling health problems and yes the risks are increased but they're still hugely in your favour to have a healthy child, my downs risk when I had my first at 37 was 1:6000 and this time has come back at 1:20,000.

It could be though that it's your body that is the problem and you could struggle to conceive in the first place, therefore I'd say you need to have a proper chat now and start trying sooner rather than later, my first took 3 years and this one was the first attempt!

It'll be an awkward chat to start but it wont be any worse than your position now not knowing for certain, he may well want a few weeks to have a think and make his mind up, I was unsure about having a second but in the end we decided we'd regret not having one more than we'd regret having one.

You say you've realised that you haven't given up on the idea so it does sound as if you want one and therefore it's a case of you having to tell him your feelings.

Tough one. My twopenneth for what it's worth is I think you need to stop thinking about the move to Canada and as another poster said, really talk to this guy about children-and sooner rather than later. Not in a desperate "my ovaries are ageing I need to get pregnant NOW" kind of way but more that if you do want children and he doesn't, and you decide you would like to try for children with somebody else, you need time to mourn this relationship before moving on. I know the whole situation is made more difficult by you not being in the same country and in a perfect world you'd have time to live together, in the same country, before thinking about this next step but sometimes life isn't perfect and issues have to be forced a bit. If you don't ever ask the question, you will regret it even if you think you were at peace with not having children because there will always be a "what if?" When it was just you with no option for children there wasn't the same possibility so less to regret.

Good luck x

So you don't even live in the same country?

Do you see him irl or is this an online relationship?

It seems odd that at 39 you'd ditch your life here to move in with someone who you don't have long term plans with. (Or he doesn't with you)

If you want a DC, get on with it now, have one yourself. I enjoyed being a single mum, it's not all bad!

As for this relationship it sounds like you are in different places literally so maybe time to call it quits.

solntse yeah! a late starter! We've been married for just over two years and it took us a year to conceive. DH is 46 :)

Dogsmom i agree
i would never trick someone like that- i'm far too honest anyway
and would never do him such a disservice
thanks also for sharing your situation
the statistics after 40 seem to get so much worse

i know the whole thing sounds crazy
it is not what i expected/where i expected to be at
(but when is life ever what you expected!)

i wouldn't end the relationship if he didn't want children
but the not knowing has really got to me in the last couple of months
he is a a wonderful person
and everything i was ever looking for
(circumstances aside!)
and exactly the kind of person i wanted to have children with
(ha ha)

i had thought i was going to be on my own
and i would definitely rather be with him than not
leaving him is not a question
(maybe if i were 30 i would feel differently)

For god's sake OP, just sit him down and ask him if it's a definite no or not!

I don't think it's at all unusual for women to have to push this conversation with their partners - I had to do it with mine, friends have told me that they did too. It's scary but certainly better than the happy accident option. I have not seen many of those prove particularly happy. And I've not actually seen many men say that it was a definite no when their partners had an adult conversation about it.

As it turns out, men want to make their loved ones happy and fulfilled too.