Pregnant teen

[michelle7000]

On Friday my 15yo daughter dropped the bombshell that shes pregnant.

I was obviously in disbelief but we sat down and spoke, she said her period was due 3 weeks ago but it never arrived and she done a test and it was positive.

I am calling the doctor on Monday to make an appointment for her, however since we spoke she has closed down and wont speak to me about it, she wont tell me how shes feeling, what shes thinking or who the dad is.

Im at a loose end and dont know how to get her to open up to me has anyone else dealt with this before or have any advice?

I don't really have any advice, but as someone who's twice your daughters age I really did freak out when I got that positive test. I'd say she needs to go into the doctors appointment either by herself or she may want to take her boyfriend? I'd say try to treat her like an adult & just support her & let her come to a decision.

Is there a family planning clinic type place near you? They may have leaflets or someone your daughter can talk to again I wouldn't go into any appointments with her unless she wants you with her

There's a teenage pregnancy section on nhs website with information & agencies to contact for help

At least she opened up to you initially - and at a time when all options are open. Ask her if she wants you or anyone else to go to the GP with her.

It's really not the end of the world, although I'm sure it must seem like it at the moment.

I was pregnant at 17. I'd had sex just a few times and I was absolutely mortified when I fell pregnant. Even more so because how far along I was meant that I'd fallen pregnant the second time I'd had sex. I was embarrassed, furious with myself, devastated, and massively, massively confused. It was horrendous. Ultimately I chose to have the baby and he is now 10. And I can honestly say my Dad handled it incredibly well. It wasn't until years later that he admitted how devastated and angry he was, but that he had kept that from me in order to be there for me. I was just applying to top rate Unis when I found out and I never made it - I'm studying with OU now though.

All I can advise is what my Dad did with me, although it could be totally wrong for you and your DD as only you know what your relationship with her is like. Give her some space - try not to force her to discuss it as her head will most likely be an absolute mess right now and she may well not know how she feels (I swung wildly between wanting an abortion and wanting to keep it even though I knew it would be beyond difficult at my age) The GP is a good place to start - they can explain the various options and as they are a neutral party she won't feel she is being pressured by anyone (my then boyfriend and his family put immense pressure on me to abort because they didn't want their lovely middle class family tainted by a pregnant teen and even offered me money to do so ) As for the father I'd be prepared for him to deny deny deny that hes the father (I insisted on a DNA test because I wasn't tolerating their denial and vicious lies they were spreading about me) But all this is worst case scenario and ultimately it depends on what she wants to do - try to remember its about her, not you (as my Dad did) and be there to help with the fallout.

Hi Michelle,
I'm in a similar situation though my dd is a couple of years older - she turned 18 last weekend and is 16 weeks pregnant, we found out at about the same stage and just before Christmas. My immediate reaction was shock. My dd gradually told me the details, a little at a time. The father was a friend but as he's from a different (very closed and strict) ethnic group, he has well and truly disappeared for fear of his parents finding out. What helped initially was me finding the number for Tommy's charity. She rang them and had a long conversation with the midwife on the other end of the phone who told her exactly what to do and sent her a really helpful book especially written for teenage mums. My dd toyed with the idea of an abortion, particularly when the father made it clear that he didn't want anything to do with her or the baby, but now she's really committed to keeping the baby and giving it the best possible life and I have a feeling they will stay with me for the foreseeable future and I am happy with that - I am a single (adoptive) mum to my daughter who is my only child. I have a good job and we have space in our house...and to be honest, I'm rather excited about the prospect of a baby in the house!

I fell pregnant at 14. Stupidly thought you couldn't get pregnant when having sex for the first time! It was the worst time of my life. At this time I had a very controlling step dad who also got into my mums head. I was very young and didn't have the chance to think about anything. I ended up having a termination forced by my step dad. I still regret it to this day. It all happened to quickly. I advise just to give her space and let her get her head around it. I don't have nobody to talk to and to be honest I didn't want to talk to anybody. She just needs time for the whole situation to sink in properly.

She must be petrified! I think your job right now is to provide her with space but let her know you are open and won't judge. Whatever choice she makes, it won't be the end of the world. I went to uni with a girl who had a 3 year old. She had a flat in halls and everything. Granted she wasn't as free as everyone else to get pissed and be stupid but she graduated with everyone else. I'm just trying to say it doesn't have to stop you from doing anything. I hope she is ok

This will depend on what's available in her school and the kind of pastoral care there, but it may well be that Heads of Year (or equivalent - schools are organised in different ways) are a valuable help. I am not saying schools are perfect, but they are often pretty expert at dealing with teenagers and have lots of useful contacts if it's not a situation they are used to working with.

I am only a classroom teacher but I know friends in senior pastoral roles who deal with all sorts of sensitive stuff outside of school and can be a real support to the teenager and family too. Obviously you and your daughter will have a view on whether this is desirable at this point with her school, but I'd suggest considering it. For some teenagers it can be easier to open up to someone with a bit of emotional distance, rather than family/ friends, so it could be a useful addition to support at home.

All the best..

I agree with Redsal to ask the school for some support.

I am an assistant head in a secondary school and have to support teenagers who become pregnant. There are agencies that they can refer to depending where you live and there is support out there for your daughter.

For now don't force her to talk about it but encourage her gently. Lots of teens want to talk about things but struggle to find the words or start the conversations off. Will she communicate with you via text or email instead? Lots of teens are so used to using electronic communication they find it much easier to discuss difficult things this way at first.

As for who the dad is- don't push this yet. To tell you means talking about her having sex which she may not be comfortable to do yet.

She is likely to be a very scared little girl who is feeling very alone. Cuddle her, tell her you are there for her and be supportive. She will talk to you when she feels more comfortable.

I can speak from experience I may not be 15 but I fell pregnant at 18 and had my son at 19. My mum was totally devastated! She begged me to get an abortion and that I was ruining her life, her life!!! I know! She did some dreadful things got people like my aunts to come round and tell me to have an abortion. I kept him, but now she's a fantastic nanny and adores my son. I would say whatever you feel don't let it show just support her because I'll never forget what my mum did to me. I also had an abortion she convinced me to have and I've never forgiven her for it ... X

Write her a little note telling her that you are there for her no matter what and that she can talk to you about anything without any fear.
Letters, text, email - whatever! I know for a situation completely different to you and your DD, a little note put a smile on my face and set me on the right path.

My 15 year old has a baby due in 4 or 5 weeks.

It has been an incredibly difficult time, but also one that I think is bringing us together. Right at the beginning I decided any confrontational conversations (and some needed to be had, given her continued challenging of boundaries) were done in joint sessions with the school counsellor. I wanted to avoid home being tense, especially as my younger daughter is very sensitive to atmosphere.

Beyond that... get support for yourself. She was already 20 weeks pregnant (and scared to tell me), and the next couple of months were a whirl of getting her support, counselling, making arrangements to move (! too small to accommodate a baby), getting the right referrals medically etc (high risk pregnancy for various reasons). I had also just started a full time job.

Then a couple of weeks ago I felt as if I had hit a wall... various friends pointed out that I was spending all my time and energy meeting other people's needs. But if I collapse in a heap then everyone goes down (I am a single parent).

So I have taken more time for myself - I get sad little phone calls saying 'Mummy, when will you be home' (if I go out for 2 hours in the daytime! I am not out all night - I wouldn't be able to stay awake, apart from anything else!), but I need that time and space without her emotional demands on me.

I have also started seeing a counsellor - very helpful, as I can tell her how angry I am about it all, which is more constructive than letting it out at DD. She has been an idiot, but then I have done many stupid things as a teen (and older!)...

PM if you would like to chat

Walk in to her room, give her a hug and tell her you will always love and support her no matter what. Tell her you are there for her if she needs you, and you will happily go along to any doctors appointments.

She may or may not still be with the Dad, but either way, she really needs her Mum right now

tokoloshe you sound like a fantastic, very self-aware person& brilliant mum. My sister had a baby at 15, my mum adopted it, sister buggered off then had another & I was 10 years old getting a lot of anger & self-pity directed at me. Our relationship wouldn't be so tainted if she did what you've done.