advice about announcing an unexpected pregnancy

[Autumn2014]

I'm not pregnant (yet!) but TTC our second baby. I thought I'd ask the pregnant ladies for your advice.

our first child was born over 6 years ago and since then we had told everyone that he would be a one and only. he was born early with lots of health problems and people were generally accepting of our decision.

About 2 1/2 years ago we began discussing the possibility of a sibling and the implications this would have for my health and the risks associated with any future baby's health. We had a pre conception appointment with a high risk pregnancy doctor and started genetic counselling. this was all done without telling any family and friends as we didn't want unwanted opinions clouding our decisions. we continued to tell people that we didn't want any further children when asked, especially as our siblings went on to have 2nd and 3rd children. The outcome of the appointments was that I am still high risk and will probably have another early baby but will be more monitored and our child has an undiagnosed genetic condition and because it is undiagnosed they can't offer us a risk of reoccurrence.

It's taken us a further 12 months to do some soul searching and to feel brave enough to take the leap and begin to TTC. the overwhelming feeling was that we didn't want to have any regrets about trying again. we haven't told anyone about this as I am aware that it might not happen...

So I hope that I do become pregnant but I am very aware that people will be shocked, and understandably worried. I feel that a lot of questions will be asked of us (rather than congratulations) because we spent so long telling people that we weren't adding to our family. In particular I am worried that people will presume it was 'an accident' when in fact this has been carefully planned. I am also worried that I wont be able to share my worries about my own health etc because people might question us why we have gone forward.

Sorry it's so long!

Congratulations and

Why don't you hold off telling people as long as possible? You're probably not going to show until 16 weeks then?

And even then, just tell key people and explain that is it something that you and DH have wanted for a long time now and have spoken to the relevant consultants ect and are very happy and excited at your news.

You probably will get questions but I think that f you tell them in a somber tone then they'll take it like that! If you sound and seem happy then they will bounce off your excitement and realise it's an exciting time and hopefully not be crass enough to ask invasive questions!

Best of luck!!!!

Why are you particularly worried that people will think that the pregnancy is unplanned? If you don't know them well enough to explain the whole story in detail, what does it matter what they think?

in the nicest possible way, I think you are over-estimating how much people either think about or care about your motivations here. You'll tell people you are pregnant, they will say congratulations. Thats about it.

I suppose I am over sensitive about it because it's been such a long journey to get to this point, and you are right that the world doesn't revolve around me, but my mum in particular knows how difficult I've found the last few years. I got very depressed and had lots of anxiety when my son was hospital and nearly died. and my FIL was quite crass when he found out my sister was expecting her 3rd, asking if it was planned, like 2 was enough...

my family don't live close by so hopefully we can delay any announcement until we feel happy.

I don't think the above posters have fully understood your dilemma, Autumn. Having a child with complex (and probably frightening) health problems - let alone your health issues - would lead some folks to think you have been reckless in your 'accidental' pregnancy - so..yes, you may have to regale them with the fact you have been soul-searching for a long, long time and that you have sought the best medical advice from a high-risk pregnancy consultant. If that explanation isn't good enough for them - and you are made to feel guilty/ashamed/rueful - then I would not keep them in my close circle. They don't deserve the honour.

Much luck with TTC your next baby

I would just make sure you stat the conversation with "we are very happy to ... Find out we are expecting dc2/pregnant/having a sibling for dc1" if people ask you if it's a planned pregnancy just simply say yes and then talk about something else.

Best of luck with ttc

fully understood and with some experience in this area, but thanks.

I have understood . I just think either you care enough about them to have a detailed conversation or it doesn't much matter what they think.

We also told everyone that our eldest would be our one and only but that was to stop people asking when we were having another child because when he was two years old people were making enquiries. To stop anyone asking any more, we said we didn't want any more children.

When our eldest was just over three years old we had our second DC. I kept it quiet for as long as possible.

It meant we did not have the pressure for outside parties about when our eldest was going to get a sibling.

I would just say you're very excited/happy etc to be expecting/blessed with DC2 everyone who cares about you should hopefully be happy for you.

Wishing you luck whilst ttc

I don't think people will be that shocked. They'll just be happy for you. But I wouldn't tell people you are ttc. And when you do make the announcement saying ah well we decided to have another after all and smile sweetly.

I would enjoy the time first with your oh and don't let anyone rain on your parade. When the time comes and you are ready to announce your pregnancy, just say something along the lines of 'we are delighted to announce our much wanted and long awaited pregnancy and sibling for ds and we hope that our family and friends show us their full love and support as they have with ds'
It covers all angles and hopefully cuts out any need for rude questions about unplanned pregnancy. If anyone is being rude/negative just say 'this is a happy time for us, please don't try to spoil it'. Don't let fear overwrite your ttc journey, take it one step at the time and
cross each bridge when you come to it. You're not alone, you and your oh have each other for support. Some people engage their foot before their mouth so be strong and rise above their ignorance. Congratulations