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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Has any one given birth alone and how was it?

45 replies

KaziB01 · 29/01/2015 10:06

I am 34 weeks pregnant with my first child and will be looking at doing this alone.

My partner walked out suddenly in November when I was five months pregnant and has been little or no help since as it becoming increasingly difficult and disinterested the nearer I get.

My mother is a carer for my ill father who also suffers from dementia and so really needs to be around for him and my best friend has a newborn of her own and so cannot be there.

I did look into using a trainee doula (which is a much cheaper option than a trained one) but the one that I had met with is no longer able to support me and I have scrapped that idea for financial reasons.

I guess I am quite scared but then again I think lots of people are scared even if they have a loving partner there looking after them. I have had quite a difficult pregnancy apart from the emotional turmoil and having to deal with everything alone I am also suffering from SPD. I guess I would just like some reassurance that it will be ok despite going though it alone and some practical advice like how to get to hospital, can I drive myself if it is early enough along? The hospital is quite far so I am concerned about cab fare and there are roads about a 10-15 minute walk away where parking is free which is what I have been doing for the scan appointments. So if I could drive I could walk from there.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

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shelley1977 · 29/01/2015 14:19

Ive given birth twice on my own and it was probably best option, I was a 40 min drive from hospital with no transport or anyone who could take me and the hospital sent an ambulance to get me.
I hope all goes well for you x

LuckyAugust · 29/01/2015 14:28

Awww bless you. My ds was born on Monday. A planned c-section and although I knew what was coming (ds3!) its still difficult and very emotional and I could cry for you imagining you on your own. I really hope you have an easy labour but it doesn't always work out that way and its possible you may need help afterwards with things. Your poor mum too, I bet she feels totally torn. If your dad had chance beforehand to get used to someone new would that mean your mum could come? It sounds like both you and your mum have a lot on your plate and I wish you had more support because you sound lovely. If you are in the North East of England I'd come with you! Sending big massive hugs x

Tia2005 · 29/01/2015 14:48

Hi
At least you've found out what he's like now when are u due ?

BouleSheet · 29/01/2015 14:55

I was alone with my second - baby was early and DP was not able to make it to the hospital. It was more than fine - although bear in mind it was my second so I was not scared - as someone else said I could totally focus on what was happening. The nurses & doc were speaking to me - not DP. I preferred it to when my DP was there first time around.

Original poster

KaziB01 · 29/01/2015 14:59

Due March 12th. I wish i'd found out before i agreed to have the baby with him as horrid as that sounds, but from thinking we will have a family full of love i am now tied to a man who i am starting to hate and will no doubt make things difficult for me for the rest of my life- i only hope is better to the baby than he has been to me since he very suddenly up and left.

OP posts:

Pumpkinnose · 29/01/2015 18:49

First of all to you. Sounds like you're doing all the right things planning for it now. Is there any way you can move to a closer hospital - appreciate may be difficult if you're under consultant care but maybe one to think about given you have moved? X

NutellaLawson · 29/01/2015 19:10

The hospital might not send you home. I laboured in the hospital for 40 hours because they didn't want me going home (and baby was facing the wrong way, hence it taking so long). I spent most of that time in antenatal and then on the post natal ward, don't my breathing and getting on with things (no delivery rooms available at the time). They can't force you home. Not if you explain you have no way of getting home.

Im not keen on the idea of you driving with contractions. Some women get them strong from the get go and it would be madness to drive in established labour. You Theybecome intense quickly. You wouldn't be able to react to anything and would be putting other road users at risk. Definitely save for a taxi and, once at the hospital, refuse to leave.

firsttime4everything · 30/01/2015 02:25

If you are on a low income, look up doula uk access fund. You have to meet certain conditions but they might be able to cover the costs of a doula.

My heart goes out to you. Very best of luck whatever happens xxx

WhyNotSmile · 30/01/2015 03:12

I don't think the hospital can actually make you go home when they "send you home". It just means they won't give you a bed, but they don't actually force you to leave the premises. So if you did turn up early and they "sent you home" you could just wait in the waiting area or the hospital cafÃ© if it's open. Might be an option if during the day, obviously less so at night. Even at that, I'm sure if you explained the situation, they'd find somewhere for you to wait, even if not a bed.

kickassangel · 30/01/2015 03:35

You sound like you are dealing with this so well.

Make sure that the hospital staff know your situation. They are far more likely to keep you there if they know that you are on your own, otherwise they assume that you will have help so make it clear that once you leave it's you and the baby and absolutely no back up. An extra day in hospital after the birth can make a huge difference to how you cope once home.

Are you likely to get anywhere else to live before the baby arrives? It will be really hard to cope in your temporary place I would imagine.

Even if you are seeing a doctor get in touch with a midwife. They should know about support in your community so that you can meet other mums, access help you need etc. so many people assume that there is family around to give back up. Make it really clear that if the midwife can't help then you will get no help.

Finally, if your friend with a new born is OK with this, ask her if she can help put together a hospital bag, and have the room ready to come back to after the birth.

I know that you probably don't have the energy right now, but ask for help from every available source like sure start and the midwife etc. it's why we pay taxes, so that people who need support get it. I happily pay taxes in the belief that someone with your stress can get support and not suffer. Feel free to use up my tax donation and take every bit of help there is.

VixxFace · 30/01/2015 08:29

Where are you based op?

Original poster

KaziB01 · 30/01/2015 09:22

I am actually trying to move further away from the hospital rather than nearer as i am trying to sort out a place to be nearer to the father (at least for the first year) to make sure it is as easy for him as possible to interact and share parenting for his son, id like to give my child as much a chance as possible to have a proper father in his life and maybe he will prove himself once the baby is born, its too unreal for him at the moment he has just left and going out enjoying his life leaving me to deal with it all but may be different when baby is actually here (i hope).

Plus my antenatal classes are down where he is so if i live round there i will have a bit of support around me when on mat leave as they are lovely ladies.

I am trying to sort out a place before baby born but is slow going and moving again is a knackering thought but at least i will be able to unpack stuff and maybe actually put together a hospital bag if I am not living out of a living room lol

OP posts:

WhyNotSmile · 30/01/2015 10:47

Does the father have any family who could help, or is that not an option? Even if one of them was able to drive you to the hospital, that would make life easier .

WorkingBling · 30/01/2015 10:58

I think you're very considerate to be worried about your parents and your friend with a newborn. However, could your friend at least give you a lift. I totally see why she wouldn't be able to stay with you, but if her (or her DP) could drive you to the hospital at least that part is sorted out.

Once you get there, I think if you make it clear to the midwives that you have no way of getting home and no support, they'll let you stay.

Good luck. This must be so hard.

Original poster

KaziB01 · 30/01/2015 11:00

I'd prefer not to ask his family, I've hardly heard from them since he left and they are his family i don't really want to involve them or be that person that moans about their son/brother

OP posts:

Original poster

KaziB01 · 30/01/2015 11:03

It not so easy for my friend she is an hours drive away so not awfully near, have been wondering recently why we have not evolved to the matrix style growing tubes for babies would be so much easier lol

OP posts:

Onceuponatimetherewas · 30/01/2015 12:33

In March the maternity ward should be less busy than later on in spring and early summer, which is the popular period. This should allow more leeway.
I was in a similar situation to you, and I was quite assertive about 1) not leaving when they told me it was too soon to have come in (which they were in fact totally wrong about, so it can be dangerous as well as practically difficult to go home if you feel you are due soon), and 2) staying longer than women usually do these days. I stayed in hospital for 3 days, at my request, whereas many women leave on the same day. Don't be too embarrassed to ask for what you want/need, even if the hospital staff lack the imagination to understand what you are coping with and therefore why you need to stay in hospital for longer, both before and after the birth. In our mums' day, they were required to stay in hospital for a full 10 days after the birth, FGS.
I hope you're looking forward to the baby being there - it can be such a lovely time, even if you are on your own.

LastOneDancing · 30/01/2015 12:50

My dad works for the local volunteer driver service taking people to hospital. Could you see if there's one by you - they might at least be able to bring you home.

I think you're being very nice considering the babies father in your future plans, but I'd urge you to put your own needs first. A shorter commute is extremely unlikely to make an unwilling dad more involved xx
Good luck OP.

siscaza · 30/01/2015 12:53

Just a thought but a student midwife might be willing to help, I had one that rocked up to my home birth because she wanted to see one. She was very good as she didn't have an official role as such. Could ask your midwife about that?

siscaza · 30/01/2015 12:56

for what it's worth if a distant friend was in this situation I'd gladly help out, even if we were not close friends. I'd hate to think of anyone stressing about this at this stage of pregnancy :( You might be surprised at who pops up to help you if you put the feelers out :)

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