Please help a desperate dad 2 B

[Daddy2209]

Firstly I apologise for gate crashing this forum as I am a guy not a mum to be, but I don't think men's forums can help me here.

My wife is 6 weeks pregnant and we are both very excited about starting family. However, my wife has an obsession with her body and body weight. She recognises it and trust me she is a size 10 beautiful girl but thinks she is a size 16 despite what I tell her and what the label in her clothes tell her. The bottom line is she feels bad about it, whether me or anyone else tells her otherwise it doesn't matter.

In a previous relationship, she had a guy who put her down etc etc and she has been self critical ever since. She knows it is irrational but can't help how she feels. She is getting professional help to try and correct her self esteem but it is early days and you can't expect results overnight.

The initlal euphoria of being pregnant is now starting to wear off and she cannot mentally process the inevitable prospect of putting on weight during pregnancy.

I would like so help/advice from anyone who has either seen or experienced this type of problem as all I want is her to be happy, comfortable in her own skin and to focus on the wellbeing of the baby rather her percived issues with her body.

Thoughts/help/comments much appreciated.

Dad 2 B

Thanks for your prompt reply. It is a shame and tbh me telling her she is beautiful (she really is) simply doesn't work, it's not my perception of her it is what she "believes" about herself. If we have to I will ride out the next 7-8 months but wondered if there anything else we can do to make it easier? It seems like a long ride if numerous times a day we have to talk about weight and body shape rather than the joy of a new life ??

This is a great time to seek help. Your doctor can put you in touch with a perinatal psychologist or counsellor. There is so much help available and hopefully your DP will be open to it now she has your baby to think about.

Hi, I suffered with an eating disorder on the past, am 22 weeks pregnant and have good days and bad days. In that some days I feel huge and emotional and others I tell myself that I am being stupid as does my wonderful husband. No matter what hesays to me it dodoesn't change how I feel. I made my midwife aware of my body issues early on and she referred me to a consultant for that and something else. At the time I reassured the consultant that it was in the past and I felt fine with putting on weight in the pregnancy. But I have found it harder than I thought. The best thing you can do is keep supporting her and encourage her to talk to someone about it. Its hard in the pre bump stages, but being open about it really helps me. Its better that she voices it than keeps it in.

Its a difficult thing to overcome and it doesn't mean she isn't happy about this little life inside her, I'd definitely recommend that she mentions it to her midwife so she can get the right support, and maybe you could offer to go along with her to gain some further understanding. You sound like you're being amazing though :)

Thanks applecore, it's good to have someone who understands that it's how she feels not what what others tell her. I will definitely suggest mentioning to the mw and I am sure she will be open to it and wants to help herself feeling this.

If she tells her midwife at her booking in appointment then she should be able to be referred for special help aimed at pregnant women with eating/body image issues, particularly if she's already getting some help. Because I've had previous mental health issues my midwife basically keeps a slightly closer eye on my mental health, but because I'm currently well I've not been referred for extra help during pregnancy. It sounds like she maybe would benefit from a referral.

You could attend along with her if you are worried that she might not tell the midwife, or explain quite how bad it is, but the midwife will kick you out at one point to ask her questions about domestic abuse so be forewarned and don't be insulted when she does!

She should take the available help, but I think it's still important to bear in mind that most women will struggle with the pregnancy changes. It's another thing you never hear, but no matter what your state of mind, it's very hard to come to terms with your body changing completely out of your control.

It sounds like your partner may struggle more than most so she may need to be more insistent when looking for help.

You sound kind to be so concerned. My husband just looks at me like I'm mad and says that I expects my body to change so why is it worrying me? The truth is that the expectation is an abstract thing, the reality is harder. So you're doing great as a partner, it's important to take her feelings about this seriously.

Firstly you are a fantastic partner for being so supportive and understanding of how your wife feels and what she is about to gothrough She is accepting help and that is a step forward. I honestly believe thst things will be ok. Yes it wont happen overnight but with the help of professionals and your support she will get through.

Also make sure she gets a little pampering treat here and there ... Whilst she may be feeling out of control of the pregnancy and it's changes you can suggest she has a monthly hair appointment or nails or something that takes the focus off being pregnant and back in to herself! Let her know that though there will be changes when 2 become 3, she is no less a lady than a mum :)

First off I agree with the others-you are being a wonderful bf even thinking about this and that will help.

I haven't had an eating disorder but am certainly not confident in my body not helped by having a suze zero mother who is prone to making fattist comments. I didn't realise his thin my confidence in my body was until I fell pregnant and struggled immensely with my changing shape. I hated not being able to fit into my regular clothes, hated feeling like nothing looked good on me and would dread social events because of the stress around what I would feel comfortable and good wearing. To anyone else there wasn't any noticeable change but I knew I couldn't fit into certain jeans, that certain skirts were suddenly uncomfortable and I hated it. My husband initially couldn't really see why I was so bothered because to him I still looked as good as normal but when I came off the phone in floods of tears after a conversation with my mum who'd lectured me about not putting too much weight on and then my aunt the following week asking "are you fat yet??" "No I'm pregnant" "well you will get really fat as it's twins" he realised how sensitive I was about it all. He started regularly counterbalancing my negative statements about my body with "no, you're pregnant and you are growing two little people in there and you look lovely". He didn't bang on about it or focus on my changing body but slowly I started to feel better-also helped by the development of a proper bump and starting to tell people I was pregnant. Once people know, you start to hear so many positive comments about your changing shape (plus the odd thoughtless remark) and for me that definitely started to help balance out my bad thoughts. Didn't stop me beating myself up with thinking "I should be celebrating my pregnancy and changing shape and instead I'm hating it". I'm now 23 weeks and I still dread going out socially and much prefer weekends at home where I can happily wander around in comfy jogging bottoms. I'm also big enough now that I can fit into maternity wear which has helped me find a few clothes that suit my new shape-the weeks before this were hard because slowly nothing fitted and I did have to buy a couple of tops in sizes I was not happy with. I am also now embracing my pregnant bump rather than the previous bulge when I just felt fat and am proud to show off how pregnant I am.
I don't know whether my rambling has helped but I wanted to give the view from somebody who hasn't had an eating disorder but who still struggled with their changing shape. It is more common than people acknowledge I think.
Good luck to the both of you x

Hey,

I may be able to help as I've struggled with body image issues my entire fault life.

Before I got pregnant with this child, I was a 6-8, BMI 21.

It's very very tough and what I've decided to do is ditch the scales as they were going up at a rate I was uncomfortable with.

I would suggest to your wife to try to eat a healthy diet (don't actually diet but make sure each calorie counts nutritionally) and follow her usual exercise routine as well as she can, and make adaptions as she goes.

I've done this, as well as ditch the scales as my thinking is- if I'm eating as healthy as I can, and exercising as much as I can... What more can I do? There's nothing. So weighing myself will only serve to upset me.

I also like to think of my workouts as 'damage limitation' and each workout I do will mean that getting my body back will be easier.

I have to also remind myself that this is my second child. With my first, I gained 49lbs through eating pure shit for 9 months, and not exercising at all, yet I still managed to regain my pre pregnancy body. So I can easily do it again, especially when I am working so hard throughout my pregnancy!

I hope this would be useful to your wife? Good luck!

Also, invest in some lovely maternity wear for her!

There's nothing worse than SQUEEZING yourself into something that ends up making you feel uncomfortable and like crap!

If she has a lovely maternity wardrobe that fits her bump well it will make her feel really good about herself!

I think it definitely needs to be mentioned at her booking appointment.

I've been recovering from various eating disorders for about 6 years now. When I was pregnant with dd1 I told them during the booking questionnaire, they put in my notes not to weigh me at midwives appointments. This helped a bit as there wasn't the pressure on me.

Some PCTs offer specialist antenatal psychological help. In my area they offer mindfulness and stress relief sessions specifically for pregnant women. The service is called Talking Changes. Can you find out if this is offered near you?

On a physical health level just try and make sure she takes a good pregnancy multivitamin and gets enough calcium. The baby will take what it needs from her body and her body will prioritise the baby's needs (which is how mothers with hyperemesis can have healthy babies) but this means she needs to keep up her own vit/mineral levels. Especially calcium!

Good luck. You sound like a great co-parent to be

The only thing that can help is professional help from a trained individual.