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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Dad feeling 'connected' to the baby during pregnancy?

14 replies

Pisghetti · 21/01/2015 15:40

Does anyone have any thoughts on how to encourage a connection between the father and the baby during pregnancy?

I know it's difficult when they haven't got the constant reminder of feet in their ribs and punches to the nether regions all day, but how can you get across the sense that there's really something there and not just too many pies?

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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RC1234 · 21/01/2015 15:48

You will be able to feel the kicks from the outside from about 25 weeks. You can probably get one of those doppler things to listen to the heartbeat.

Roobix04 · 21/01/2015 15:49

My dp is a huge music fan. He would spend ages selecting music to try and get the baby moving and then delight in her enjoying it by wriggling and kicking.

ChickenMe · 21/01/2015 16:11

How far are you? I'm 29w and you can see the stomach moving. When OH can feel and eventually see the kicks it really helps. He can put his ear to the belly and yes also do the music thing. Mine also downloaded a pregnancy app - anything technical or app related may appeal to men?

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 21/01/2015 16:17

How far along are you, and does he need to feel connected?

TBH, I think it's a pretty normal feeling in a father, especially first time. As long as he is considerate and understanding towards you, and excited about being a dad, I don't think he needs to feel 'connected' to the baby unless it is something that's upsetting him.

Original poster

Pisghetti · 21/01/2015 16:37

I'm 32 weeks but this baby is a notorious tease and won't perform for an audience - I seem to be the only one that feels and sees the kicks and rolls and baby gets stage fright when anyone else is looking I recorded the heartbeat at a previous MW appointment (he hasn't been to any of the appointments except for the scans).

I suppose he doesn't 'need' to in the sense that he is at least doing the practical stuff that needs doing.... I'd like to feel like we're in this together though. I seem to be doing all the thinking, planning, list making whereas those things are usually his area of expertise! I get the feeling he's just going along with things I suggest/do... Although he prompted the TTC discussions/timings. We actually got lucky first cycle which was a shock to us both and I wonder if that's part of it...?

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PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 21/01/2015 16:39

It could be. I think that there's a difference between getting excited about the arrival and feeling connected to the unborn baby, if that makes sense. I think DH was always the former and not the latter each time.

Does he get into name discussions? That tends to be a good one for prompting emotion!

Marshpillow · 21/01/2015 16:49

My DH has done most of the nursery preparations - painting, putting curtains and blinds up, putting furniture together etc. He's also bought some outfits for her (we have mostly got sleep suits and vests but have bought a few cute outfits which will no doubt get vommed/shat on within five minutes).
I think this has made him feel more connected to her, as like a PP I have a baby that won't perform on command so he hasn't felt her movements much. Would either of those things help?

Original poster

Pisghetti · 21/01/2015 18:20

He put together a list of names - but won't talk about them! I might threaten to sit on him.....

He's been doing prep work to get the nursery ready for painting and will be getting stuck into that next week. Maybe once the room is ready, and the furniture is in (instead of piled up in bits downstairs!), it'll feel more real for him?

OP posts:

Gunpowder · 21/01/2015 18:38

Isn't there a saying that mothers become parents as soon as they realise they are pregnant, men become parents when their first baby is born?

I think there's definitely something in it. I think it can be a bit of an abstract concept for them until they see the baby.

33goingon64 · 21/01/2015 18:44

Go to an ante natal class together closer to the due date. It'll panic him into feeling connected! I worried about this but as soon as DS arrived there was an instant connection.

Zsazsabinks · 21/01/2015 20:01

In my experience and with honesty, this is not something that you can 'do' for him or stress about because it will end up with him feeling rubbish and questioning himself and you feeling stressed and anxious about something that you can't control.

My DH wasn't very connected with our first DD throughout the pregnancy and although he has always loved her from the moment he met her, he wasn't particularly 'bonded' to her, in the sense that he would take her out with him and willingly do stuff with her, until she was about three. Cue lots of shrieking and whining from me about 'So-and-so's DH took x to tumble tots' etc. etc. It wasn't until she was about three and started to have conversations with him and actually interests that he started to really enjoy his time with her. They are super close now that she is six, probably even closer than I am with her! He found the bond and connection in his own time.

With DD2, DH was pretty quiet about the pregnancy but bonded with her very quickly and now she's a proper Daddy's girl. Part of it was that he made more effort with her because he now knew what was to come, part of it was because he wasn't terrified of being in charge of a baby this time, he'd done it before!

DD3 is due in the next few weeks, DH is not really connected with the pregnancy at all, he just lets me get on with it. I know that when she gets here he will love her like he does the other two and in his own way.

I wish someone had told me that at the very beginning because it would have saved a lot of arguments and stress for both of us! Me expecting things of him that just weren't there and actually damaging his confidence and him probably feeling a bit out of it and disconnected because I wasn't giving him the space to do it in his own way and find his own path as a Father.

NickyEds · 21/01/2015 20:05

Do you know what you're having? I think my dp found it easier when we could say "he", this will be his room, his teddy etc. Even then I don't think he really connected until ds was born but he's a fantastic Dad. He didn't really like feeling my belly move or seeing him wriggle through my skin- he'd say "It's like alien" or "God it looks really real" .
I think they tend to go with the flow because they're terrified they'll do something wrong and upset you! Try not to worry. And for what it's worth I'm expecting again and he seems much more connected this time, now he knows what it is to be a Dad.

JennyBlueWren · 22/01/2015 08:40

We've not done anything to build a connection. DH does what he can to help but anytime baby's kicking it stops when DH puts his hand on. In the earlier days I did take to poking him everytime baby kicked (so he could feel involved!). He's been doing lots of practical things, attending antenatal classes and building the cot. Also we've been talking lots about "when baby's here".
Think he's quite excited (he was the one who pointed out it was one month to go!) but also a bit anxious about how good a dad he'll be.

geekymommy · 22/01/2015 18:23

It's not true that in every pregnancy you will be able to feel kicks by putting your hand on the woman's belly. I've got a fair amount of belly fat, and in my last pregnancy the placenta was in the front. I never was able to put my hand on my belly and feel kicks (though I did feel them inside). This time around, the placenta is in back, but I'm only 14 weeks. We'll see what happens.

It varies a lot when pregnancy seems real for women, it makes sense that it would for men as well. I had trouble bonding with either of mine before I knew the sex. I saw them moving on the ultrasound for the first time when I had the CVS's, which also helped. It was really hard for me to bond with someone who I didn't know which pronoun to use with and had never seen, heard, or felt.

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