Tips for dealing with MIL

[pepperfish]

I'm 17 weeks with our first DC and starting to get a little bit worried about how my MIL is going to behave around the time of the birth. We've always had a slightly strained relationship and manage to rub each other up the wrong way without trying.

Recently my DH's cousin and his GF had a baby and GF was in hospital with an infection for weeks. Their wishes were no visitors until she was back home and feeling up to it and MIL was outraged. She ended up going anyway, from what I can only assume was still against their wishes, as it sounds like the visit was very tense.

She's already making comments about our baby being 'hers' and how she is going to be 'outside the door' while I am giving birth and how she knows I won't be as rude as cousin's gf and not let her see 'her baby'.

Thing is, I think I'm going to want a few days to ourselves after the baby is here, maybe longer if things don't go to plan or one of us gets poorly. I know I definitely don't want anyone else there except my DH for the birth. I just don't know how I'll feel and want to have some control in a situation where all control will be taken out of my hands in the moment. How the heck do we talk to her about this?

Feeling a little sensitive this week also as she put a pregnancy announcement on FB without asking us first (we haven't put anything about the baby on FB thus far) and I know I'm being totally unreasonable because she's clearly excited but I can't help being really cheesed off.

DH thinks I'm worrying about nothing but that we do need to talk to her. Both dreading it. Any tips?

Thanks

Put your foot down now.

My MIL did this. And then tried to snatch the baby and take her 3 hours away without me and without my consent as it was 'her' baby and she had set up a nursery!

I might add, we're now not talking at all.

I'm also quite an easy going person and my MIL has been a thorn in my side the entire relationship. You do know your MIL is not going to improve?

Have the huge argument now. Get it out of the way.

James What a bloody witch of a MIL you have. I thought mine was bad. Hope you're ok now.

Defo agree with you about the announcing. Actually, with our no 2 , we didn't even tell MIL til he was a day old. If we have no 3, she'll never get to find out. She's ruined two births/pregnancies, she won't get a chance to do it again!

Bloody hell some MILs are like toddlers. They are making it all about them and their feelings. Try to remember you are not responsible for how she reacts or how she feels.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a good way of acknowledging them without actually pandering.

Start as you mean to go on. I get the feeling that we are going to have to start caring less about people's feelings once we have our DC!

It is so sad that this happens. Why would any one ignore a direct request not to visit at a certain time, especially when it only means waiting 3-4 hours? It is so odd to me. Your MIL ended up having a very strained lunchtime visit instead of a lovely, friendly, dinner-time visit (that's actually a good example for your DH to bring up when he tackles her about all this).

It might be sensible to tell her you've chosen to give birth in a different hospital?

Kundry - I suspect you are very on the mark there! I hate conflict and am generally quite awkward in the presence of it. Self confessed doormat and all round people pleaser!

Pengyquin - at your MIL's behavior! And nope, she isn't going to improve, and she's always been this way, I remember about a year into our relationship wondering if I wanted to continue, solely on the thought I'd spend the rest of my life around her. I've become very good at biting my lip over the years.

I can't tell you all how much I enjoy the other MIL threads on MN

Have to agree that I find the other MIL threads on here actually quite reassuring - insofar as it makes me feel a bit more "normal" to have problems with mine!

You just have to be firm with her - decide what you want to say and repeat as necessary.

I can highly recommend letting DH deal with them - I'm 28 weeks, I last saw/spoke to them at about 13 weeks and that is the only time I've had to deal with them at all so far.

The downside of course is that, whenever DH has to speak to them, he gets very depressed. But he's cutting contact down to 2 calls every 3 weeks to preserve his sanity and my blood pressure.

OP - The silent treatment is meant to be emotional blackmail, but to be honest - it's probably much nicer having her not talking to you than her stressing you out with all her bullshit.

It's great that you have a supportive DP. I think rather than worrying about her reaction, and treading on eggshells it may well be better to take the opposite tactic. Be blunt, unapologetic (what the hell do you have to apologise for?!) and firm. Anything else she will take as a negotiating point, not a boundary. Most importantly, stand by what you say and don't allow her to cross your lines just because it leads to an easier life. In the long term it will be very stressful for you.

If she turns up after the birth unannounced, you aren't in any way obliged to open the door. Just ignore her. If she later complains just say "oh yes, we have a policy of not opening the door to uninvited guests at the moment, as we want to enjoy this time as a new family without any stress or interruptions". If she starts bitching, then just stand up in the middle of her ranting, announce calmly that you're heading back, say goodbye to people and leave. It will feel incredibly rude, but it will come across to others as you being a mature adult who isn't prepared to put up with someone's shit. If she's left there with her mouth hung open, who cares.

If she wants to come over and it's not good for you, then just tell her "No, we can't do that time, how about [insert time convenient for you]". If she turns up when you said it would be inconvenient then just don't open the door. Just leave her out there til she gets the message.

It's best to agree all this with your partner well in advance, so you are both on the same page and know how the other will be handling things.

If she rings you too often, let it ring and don't answer. Or answer once, tell her you are REALLY busy and do NOT have time to deal with her incessant phone calls, then hang up.

She's probably going to hate you for it, but WHO CARES. She's going to be a bitter resentful hag no matter what you do unless you pander to her 100% anyway, so just do what you want and leave her to go fuck herself.

Agree with everyone else, nip this in the bud now, when she slags off cousins, back them up, so she sulks and goes silent, win win, don't let her bully you.

Also agree with every time she calls your baby her baby, remind her that it isn't, again, who cares if she sulks and gives you the silent treatment. If she laughs and says oh you know what I mean, tell her yes, I know exactly what you mean, dh is your baby, this is mine.

My MIL can be nightmare too - I am telling them that I am giving birth at a different hospital and have told DH not to tell her when I go into labour - we can call them when the baby is born. I will also be giving explicit instructions at the hospital that the only person to be in the room with me when I am in labour is DH. If she gets annoyed, fine. Better than me getting annoyed and embarrassed when she comes striding in to the delivery room with her advice etc while I am trying to have my baby ;-)

Have you got her to take down the Fb announcement yet? You bloody need to!

I agree that it would be best to let her visit you and the baby in hospital. It's a much easier situation to control than being at home where she could come and sit for hours!

Let her meet the baby in hospital, and then get your DH to say that you would like a few day's peace at home before any further visits.

Honestly, if there's going to be a huge argument, and it sounds like there is, have it now. Not after the birth when you're feeling sore, exhausted and emotional. And as others have said, if those first hours and days get spoilt, you won't get them back and you will be bitter.

Totally reasonable to say no to her being at the hospital.
Let the grandparents visit soon after the birth, but you decide when and how long. You have to protect yourself.

FunkyBoldRibena - I've just left it as it's out there now, with all the comments and likes on it (I've resolutely ignored it). Have had a few emails from well wishers (her friends, who I don't know, mainly). I suppose we did tell her it wasn't a secret anymore, but I don't know, it just feels a bit presumptuous of her to go ahead without asking if FB was fair game. In all honesty I don't think I wanted it to go on there at all, but recognise it's partly my fault for not saying that to her first.

Solely on this point my DH thinks I'm being totally unreasonable. Humph.

On another note, while I am sat here reading all your replies, my baby is happily bubbling around in there, reminding me he or she is mine, all mine .

Aaw bless you. It'll always be your baby, sod what she says!

Arrr yes you are right, you have control and keep reminding yourself.
You are his or her mum and no effort from mil can take that away.

The Silent Treatment?!?! Who loses if she does that once the baby is born, huh?! Not you, that's for certain!!!

I'm so glad I don't speak with my MIL. I blew my top at her over a yr a go now and it was the best thing I ever did! It's very rare that I do erupt with anger, but if someone is trying to take advantage of ur good nature you do finally end up blowing up. You need to just tell her to back off, being to nice doesn't work Hun. She won't stop as she thinks ur a walk over, blowing up will b the best thing you ever do, trust me.

My MIL irritated me in other ways and DH is like your DH, was happy to stand up to it, but did not want to cause unnecessary conflict. One thing I would say is each time you think you want you DH to say something- sleep on it for a day or two. For most things you may not even need to confront her As long as DH is the type to be strong once the baby is born and stand up to the worst of it- pick your battles wisely.

I am not saying do not stand up to her- do, but just don't let temporary rage force your DH into unnecessary fights. We decided on ground rules and let EVERYONE know them- even my family. For example, although we had two visits a day in hospital once at home no more than one set of visitors a day and no more than two at once. Short visits- no more than two hours. No one who was sick and no one to call us constantly for updates- we would call or email.

In the end we slacked on these rules very quickly once everyone had seen the baby and I felt a bit more human, but I felt much more relaxed knowing I was in control. I was really dreading visits generally. And when MIL complained about the rules, DH was able to point out they applied to everyone, even my DM and as a result MIL was more inclined to follow them.

Your DH also has to make it clear that she can only come over if it has been pre-arranged, and the visits should be short. The first weeks can be quite tough - you are most likely quite tired and still recovering from birth, trying to establish breastfeeding - would you be comfortable sitting on the sofa in your PJs, boobs out, MIL barging in at random times to hover over you and the baby?