Gender disappointment so ashamed

[Boygirlblues]

I'm really ashamed to even be posting this because I know how bad it is, but I need to talk to try to get rid of these horrible thoughts.

I'm around 13 weeks pregnant and have no idea of the sex yet, but I have a strong feeling it's going to be a girl. I've been looking at the nub theory and the skull theory, and my scan photo is looking very much like a girl.

If the baby is a girl I'm terrified of how I'm going to feel, I know how awful and horrible this is, but I can't help it. I have a ds and all I can see myself with is two boys.

One of the reasons is because my house is only two bed, it will be so much easier to not have to think about moving any time soon, a girl will mean a house move will be on the cards much sooner. It also means ds won't get his dream of sharing his room with his brother.

Other than that I can't pin a reason on why I feel this way, other than I'm a horrible selfish person who doesn't deserve a baby.

I know I feel the world is still a very sexist place so perhaps I'm scared of how this will affect a daughter, and doubt my ability as a parent to deal with it.

I've always imagined myself in a house full of boys but I don't know why aside from a bunch of preconceptions about how each sex would be.

I feel sorry for my baby and I want to feel differently but I can't shake it off.

We had our 20 week scan last week, we already have a DD and I was convinced we were having a boy, I'd picked the name, I'd picked the nursery accessories and bedding, I'd picked out all the clothes for 'his' first year... then we were told at the scan that we were having a girl, I sat in stunned silence and my DH who knew I was set on having a boy said "Oh well" right there in the room I could have bloody hit him everyone knew we had the scan that day and asked up what we were having. My heart broke a little more each time I said "another girl"

I've since realised that if we put gender stereotyping aside there's no reason why I can't get the things I'd been looking at with perhaps the exception of teeny tiny shirts and waistcoats and I can now justify some more expensive spends for DD on the reasoning that they'll get twice the use. I'll just have to grin and bear the "So will you try again for a boy now you've got two girls" comments...