Support when baby is born

[ourbabybeau]

This is really a question for those who are already Mums!

This is my first baby and i'm dreading how I will cope once the baby is here- although of course very excited for the experience! We don't really have family we can/want to rely on heavily near by (more people who will pop in an out, put a few dishes in the dishwasher etc) and i'm thinking we are going to need additional support.

I want to be heavily involved in my child's upbringing from the start- but I am considering getting a maternity nanny. Does anyone have any experiences they can share? As I said I want more than anything to be a very big part of my child's life and I plan on breastfeeding (how will this work with a maternity nanny?) but it would be nice to have the opportunity to be able to take 10 minutes to have a shower and put some clean clothes on!

Also how do people cope housework wise?? I cannot live in clutter and dirt- nor can my husband (it would be very unfair to rely on him to do it as he works extremely long hours and it's doubtful he will be able to get time off work even). Do you hire cleaners? Learnt that once baby was born it didn't matter (I really can't imagine this being the case..)

I guess my ideal would be someone who would come in for a couple of hours during the day- look after the baby while I catch up on sleep/bathe and do some housework while i'm taking care of the baby- but I don't know if such a person exists?

I would love to hear other peoples experiences- either positive or negative.

I had a postnatal doula with DS2. I was anxious about how I'd cope with two, especially as DS1 was a screechy non-sleeper and I had PND.

As it turned out, DS2 was a placid, sleepy little thing, but she was still really helpful. She came for a couple of hours every Wednesday for a month (Wednesdays were DS1's day off from preschool). She played with DS1 while I fed DS2, did washing up, took the recycling out, held DS2 while I read to DS1, made us sandwiches and was just generally chatty and lovely to be around. She also provided email/text support when getting bf going. It was a luxury but I considered it an important part of my strategy to avoid depression second time round (which, happily, I did).

I wish I'd had her for DS1 because I had no family locally and knew relatively few peoole in the area, and ended up very isolated. DS1 was such a screamer and I was shattered from lack of sleep - it would've been amazing to have someone to cuddle him while I slept or showered.

I'd go for a doula over a maternity nurse, btw. Her job is to look after the family and the mum, not the baby. Maternity nurses are much more about getting the baby into a routine, which - depending on your parenting style - you might not want.

*not just the baby, that shoukd say.

Can I just point out that regardless of the help you do or do not have you WILL be the most important person to your child and heavily involved in their upbringing. I personally wouldn't (didn't) worry about the cleaning, small babies don't make a mess of the house and you can let the housework go a little, washing clothes is of course required but if you have a sling you can do it all with baby (I did!). If cleaning is really important get someone in to help with that and you can spend the time with the baby. And at some point they will sleep enough for you to have a shower, really, even 5 mins is enough for a quick one. On the other hand, it is hard, but if you put them down for 5 mins while you have a shower and they cry, they will not be scarred for life!

You can put the baby down (eg in a Moses basket, on a sheepskin or similar) and have them in the bathroom with you whilst you have a shower. If they start to cry you can talk/sing to them and have a very quick shower. Again, getting dressed is possible, as you take them with you, put them down somewhere safe for a moment, whilst you get dressed.

If cleaning is very important to you then hire a cleaner. When you are recovering from birth and trying to establish breastfeeding the last thing you want to be doing is vacuuming or whatever. The broken sleep will also mean that if your baby is asleep in the daytime (and not asleep on you!) you should also nap, rather than run around trying to catch up on cleaning.

I've always had some paid help. With DC1 we just upped the cleaner's hours so that she was in twice a week for a bit longer each time. I hate mess too, and found that in the first few weeks I was changing my sheets almost daily (post birth night sweats, baby being sick in the duvet etc), so it was great to have extra help with the laundry etc. I have some family help too, but I prefer the paid sort - it's really had to give your mother / MIL a list of chores, however much they offer. I did, however, ask family to bring us home cooked meals when they visited, and this was a great help.

With DC1 I didn't have any help with the baby, but DH took the full 2 weeks off. With DC2 we kept on our existing nanny for a couple of days a week, but she only really dealt with DC1, not baby DC2. DC3 is due next month (elder DCs are now at school and nursery), and we have a mother's help a couple of days a week, who doubles up as our cleaner. If this baby turns out to be a bad sleeper I will seriously consider a maternity / night nurse as this has been my greatest challenge with the other two (both were breastfed, and both slept dreadfully), but we are going to decide one she is here whether this is necessary - I think it's something you can still organise (at least where we live) for when the baby is a few weeks old, and I don't really want someone around too much when I've a tiny newborn.

I know that I probably sound a bit princessy, but I just like things to be organised (I also have a DH who works long hours and can't really be relied upon for much practical input on a day to day basis - and even if he could, I don't want him to come home from work and have to start ironing!), and fortunately we can afford the extra help. If you're the kind of person who values this then it will be money well spent. I wish I could just ignore the house and go with the flow, but I've never really been able to, without getting horribly stressed.

Thank you so much everyone. You have all been a great help.

Both me and DH are self employed- DH has said he will take a day or two after we are home for the hospital and longer if I have a C Section (never know- could happen!) but he doesn't have anyone he can trust to run the business alone so it will mean shutting up shop so to speak and loss of both incomes (i'm self employed too and won't be working for 8 weeks which will mean loss of income) will put a strain on things as at the end of the month we still have a mortgage and bills to pay.

Think i'm going to settle with a cleaner for now- going to start looking now for someone to maybe start early Dec which should be long enough before baby comes to get used to each other!

Will see how I cope with baby and if I need additional support there I will have to look into it- I want to try myself first though. Don't know until you try as they say!

Thanks everyone.

Just to say that DD was a breeze as a baby, it got harder as she got older and stopped sleeping through the night. I spent a lot of time during the day breastfeeding so cleaning and meal prep was tricky. Make a load of food before hand and freeze. You're going to get a cleaner, which will be a great help.

You may wish to look at a nanny if you're going back to work after 8wks. Many will look after sick children (obv not super sick but sick enough a nursery or CM won't take them, e.g. contagious).

I managed to shower and potter around the house when DD slept during the day. Or indeed I showered in the evening when DH was home from work or before he left in the morning. Dry shampoo is your friend . When DD wouldn't sleep she was in the bouncy chair in the bathroom while I showered. While they're not mobile, they're much easier to work around.