Just found out I'm pregnant and boyfriend freaking out

[junebug23]

Hello all, this is my first post, I've been reading threads in the last few days but can't seem to find a situation exactly like mine. Hopefully someone while be able to give me some advice. We've just found out that I'm 6 weeks pregnant. We got pregnant a year and a half ago and had a termination as our situation was very different and it's not something we regret. However, it was a very difficult experience, and one I don't want to repeat. We weren't trying for a baby so this has come as a bit of a surprise to us both. I know already I want to have it but he's not so sure. We looked at our options and I told him that I couldn't go through with another abortion, and what's more, I don't want to. After this conversation, he's become extremely introverted and quiet, which is his usual response to crisis. I find this very frustrating as I come from a family where we talk! He's still being very loving and caring towards me and I know that the idea of having a baby is totally freaking him out as he has never been keen on the idea of having children while I have always said I do want kids. This morning he packed a bag and left, presumably to go to his parents house or away from me, in order to get his head around things. I expected him to do this and understand that he needs to get his head around things but nonetheless find it very upsetting. We're both upset and slightly scared of the situation and as I told him before he left, both of us are equally culpable of ending up where we have done. Has anyone else had similar issues with men trying to get to grips with becoming fathers? I'd really appreciate some advice and support. I live in Spain and don't have any good friends here yet that I could confide in and haven't yet told my own family as I'm worried their reactions may be negative. Also, for context, I'm 32, he's 40, and we've been together over 4 years, albeit for a long time in separate countries.

I didn't want to read and run but personally i think he's acting a little bit childish. If he is so against having children then he should have made every effort possible not to get you pregnant. You both should have done, but as you've said you do want children.
This is a scary time as you say for both of you but you can't just run away from it, so I don't think he should either. Communication is key here.
You both went through with a termination in the past, and I think if you want this child you should. You are both adults, and having a baby is a blessing. Maybe he will come to terms with it, but if this were my partner I'd expect him to be with me and support me.
Talk to your family and friends, your an adult and there is no need for negative comments. You'll probably find they will react quite the opposite way.
I hope you both can move forward from this, my situation is slightly different from yours. My daughter is nearly 7months and I'm due again, I have completely dreaded telling anyone, but slowly I've told family and they have been my rock as well as my other half. Every one is so excited yet I thought i would have nothing but negative comments. Goodluck xxx

Thanks for your reply Jenny. I agree that he is being childish and running away certainly doesn't change the situation. I also agree that he should have made every effort to avoid this situation, indeed we both should have, although I suspect that on my part at least it is something I wanted, albeit subconsciously, and I suspect that he may have done also.
I've decided to talk to my Mum today as I need support and hope that they will be behind my decision. I'm crossing my fingers that once my boyfriend gets over the initial shock he'll come around as I need his support and for him to be with me. Good luck with your pregnancy, thanks again for the advice. xxx

When I read this I expected you to say that you were both early 20s, so I was pretty shocked to reach the last line and discover that you're 32 and he's 40! I too think he's acting really bizarrely for a man of 40. If he was 20 or so years younger I would expect him to freak out, but running off to his parents at his age? Very strange behaviour.

FWIW my DH was a bit freaked out when I got pregnant. We were trying and I was 33 and he was 37, but still when it happened straight away it was hard for us both to get our heads around. However, if he'd packed a bag and disappeared to his parents' house I'd have been very alarmed and seriously questioned whether having a baby with him was a good idea. It sounds to me like he needs to grow the hell up.

Sorry but reading your post I thought both of you must still be quite young for him to be freaking out and running off to his parents. Was really shocked to read he is 40! Sounds like he needs to grow up and not run away when a situation scares him. If I were in your position I would give him a day of alone time (that's being generous) and then I would be demanding answers and his decision. This uncertainty cant be good at a time when you need support and stability. Good luck!

Hi op I've been in your position i suddenly found out i was pregnant and dp was adamant we couldn't go through with the pregnancy there wad even a long list of reasons why i was 31 and he was 40 at the time .

I did go to an appointment for a termination but couldn't go through with it and he backed off from me completely. Well long story short my dd2 is now 20 months she is his first child and im currently 10 weeks pregnant with our 2nd another surprise.

If you were to ask dp now he would admit his actions during pregnancy was childish but they were driven my fear of such a big change. I know its not helpful to you but give him a few days to get his head around it and be ready to talk about it. I posted too and it was the suggestion of other posters to me. He knows he didn't make the beginning of my pregnancy easy for me and gave me more stress then i needed and it is something he really regrets amd says it was the scan at 12 weeks that really hit home with him that he was going to be a dad seeing her move. Hopefully yours will be the same.

Thank you so much for all your messages. I went out for a swim to try and clear my head and when I came home he was here and ready to talk. I'll keep you posted.

Good luck

Good luck! Hope the talk goes well.

Love the name btw - any reference to the film?

It's time for him to grow up and be a man- take responsibility for his actions so to speak. Maybe he should of gotten the "snip" if he was so sure he didn't want any children. No more advice for you but I hope everything works out the way you want it to. Good luck!

Were you using contraception? If not, he has no right to freak out at all (and I can't see how either of you were surprised especially as you have accidentally gotten pregnant before).
He sounds very childish either way.

I was in a similar situation to you - I am 34, my partner is 42. I found out I was pregnant earlier this year although I had been bleeding erratically for months so wasn't sure how far along I was. It turned out I was 15 weeks gone ! I had considered a termination amd my partner had said he would stand by me either way, but when I decided to keep the baby as the pregnancy was quite advanced, my partner basically told me it had ruined his life and he was too old for a baby. He didn't really speak to me for days.

He is a great stepdad to my children and has a daughter of his own (who is 18). His reaction was a real shock to me - it really hurt me as usually he is so supportive.

He didn't show an interest until I was hospitalised with a bleed at 18 weeks but I was harbouring anger at him so I didn't really speak to him about it. The 20 week scan was the biggest turning point for us and that was when he became excited.

The more the pregnancy progressed, the more comfortable he got with it - and to be honest he was very supportive as time went on. He was at the birth (and was amazing) and even cut our baby's cord. It was such a positive and emotional experience. Now he is a doting dad to our 6 week old son. His initial reaction seems so odd when I think of how he is now.

Perhaps your partner just needs time to clear his head and things will work out for you. .

As others have said, I initially presumed you both to a lot younger based on his behaviour! Sorry but he is being far from supportive right now but I hope he comes to his senses. He's 40 not 20!

I can't help wondering if you hadn't got pregnant accidentally, would he ever have agreed to a planned pregnancy? If he is not ready by 40 and still not keen on the idea, when will he be?

Hopefully once this has sunk in he will step up to the challenge!

Congratulations on the pregnancy :) if at all possible then I think it would be very beneficial for him to go to you first midwife appointment (well as many of the appointments as possible really) with you as this will help it all feel more real for him.

Hello all, thank you so much for your feedback and advice. I found it heartening to see that others had had similar experiences, thanks definatlylosingmysanity and jaykay. I suspect it can be as difficult for a man in his 40s as a man in his 20s to get his head around the fact that he's going to be a father.
So, basically we have talked through everything in length and in detail, and while he feels that he's not ready, he accepts that I can't go through with an abortion and will in no way force us down that path. Despite his runner on Friday he's been incredibly supportive since then, and we're slowly trying to get used to the idea of becoming parents together. Taking baby steps!

That's good news he's being supportive just take each day as it comes and try and enjoy the pregnancy

I thought he might have been 17-21 years old not 40 !!!!!!
He needs to grow up.
Does he not know that a woman can become pregnant if she has sex ? It's a risk you take
Congratulations by the way and I hope you make the right decision for you and are happy.

It's a shame that you didn't get the kids question resolved earlier - you want them and he didn't - how was that going to pan out?
Anyway, at your age and with your history I would say definitely have the baby whatever pans out with the guy. I think he's being a bit of a baby being 'not ready' at frigging 40 but whatever, I'm sure he's a decent guy underneath.
Congratulations! I hope his behaviour doesn't sour this fantastic time.

I believe he will get there from what you've said. Hang in. I'd play it down a little until you get to your first scan. Constant talk about it will overwhelm him when it's not so real to him as it will be to you. Once he sees baby he will feel it's really happening. Good luck xx

I think you can reassure him that it's not unusual to not feel quite ready for children, however old you are. He'll cope, so will you, it'll all be fine.

Hello My love.

This is similar to our story although neither of us had planned to have dc and I was 22 weeks when finding out.
My then boyfriend now dh went to a friends to have a think, stayed overnight and next day came back full of wonderful ideas of how we were going to be loving parents and we never looked back.

Let him know its ok not to be over joyed and don't pressure him, I too think he will be better once it has registered that it is real.

If the worst comes to the worst and he doesn't want to know then you have already made your mind up, you will be able to do this without him.
I hope he works it out and you can enjoy your pregnancy.

So how are you getting on?

Fair play to you for being so understanding and more amazingly, having enough strength to anticipate and support his need for a bit of space. You obviously know him very well, and also know how to handle him. I'm so pleased for you, the first 12 weeks are hard and you wil have a few wobbles over the next few weeks. It's so important to identify what you need and where you're coming from before those wobbles hit. Good luck. X