Just found out i'm pregnant & desperately need advice!

[csafia]

Hello

I just found out i'm pregnant and i'm struggling to deal with it. My partner and i were definitely NOT trying for a baby, i took my contraceptive pill religiously but 3 positive tests later i feel completely bamboozled.

I'm 24 and and my partner is 30, we've been together around 14 months but we still live separately and had no plans to start a family just yet. We're very happy and always spoke about having kids in the future but it just feels too soon. We earn around 42k a year between us but i have no idea if thats enough to support a home & a child! Am i too young? Will my partner resent me for our lives changing in such a huge way? Eek!

He was incredibly supportive and lovely when we did the tests last night and we spoke through our options really calmly but i just don't know what i want. I feel completely numb and confused at the moment.

Most of all i feel selfish for even considering termination but i don't know if me or my partner are ready for a child at all. I have friends that are struggling to conceive and i feel so awful that its happened to me and not them.

I think i just need someone to tell me everything's going to be ok!

Xx

C

What a shock for you both!

I think the thing to remember is you have a little bit of time to figure out what you both want to do.

IMHO 24 & 30 isn't too young to do this. There are pros & cons. I was 33 when I had my son, but when I look at others who had 8 year old kids by that point I was a bit jealous they'd got to the bit where they could do cool stuff like roller coasters with their kids! I'll be 40 by that point & my body might have given up on me! On the other hand we'd been together for 10 years & were dead solid in our relationship.

Babies aren't expensive, they need love & milk. You can buy all the equipment second hand & you'll be amazed at how much you get given. However by the time they're 3 it's £30 a pair of shoes! But there's always eBay.

Find someone you both know who you can talk it through with & give yourself lots of time to think & dream.

I'm 24, as is DH. We are due our second in February and had our first 2.5yrs ago at 21. Its perfectly do-able if you want to.

Plus we actually decided to live off DH wage only, so I could become a stay at home mom. This gave us a pre-tax household income of 18,000 - again perfectly do-able.

First of all, take a deep breath

You have plenty of time to think this through and make a decision.

Firstly, if you decide on a termination you are not selfish. Not at all. Your friends sad issues TTC should never affect your decision. It is perfectly fine to decide that it is too early and you're not ready to have a baby.

Having said that, equally there's no reason why you shouldn't keep your baby just because it's happened before you planned it. Your DP sounds supportive which is great.

If I were you, I'd firstly take time to think about the practicalities. Where can you afford to rent together, can you afford to take maternity leave, how do you think your jobs will work out if you need to fit childcare around it, do you have family nearby to help etc. It might sound a bit cold, but it never hurts to know where you stand with these things.

Then stop, sit down, and think about one year in the future. Picture having a baby. Picture not having a baby. Try and think about how you feel if you say to yourself "I'm having this baby", and try and think about how you feel if you say "not now."

I think if you give it a week or two, which you have, I think you should get a gut feeling, a sort of moment of truth which will tell you what you want to do.

It really was!

You're right, i think once the shock has worn off it will be a bit easier to work out what we both want. Blind panic is never helpful in decision making.

Thank you for your advice, it feels good to tell someone!

I found out I was pregnant after a month with a new partner. I had to call my mum and explain I had broken up with an ex, had a new boy friend and I was pregnant all in one conversation. I was 23, he was 28.

We've now been married 4years, our first child is 5 and we have a 3 and 1 year old. Just focus on whether it feels right. We had less money per year than you, like has been said second hand and hand me downs are a god send. We now earn a healthily wage between us and have had all our children (though surprise children has been a running theme). I am not yet 30.

Good Luck!

I have no idea if i can respond to individual messages as i've only just joined mumsnet but thanks your support :) We're going to sit down tomorrow and work things out but i'm not going to rush into anything, it's a big decision either way and i don't want us to regret it.

Thank you ladies :)

It is a real shock, isn't it? Either choosing to continue the pregnancy or choosing to end it is a reasonable choice in my book! Posting here you are likely to get a majority of responses that encourage you to continue the pregnancy, you might want to repost in the Pregnancy Choices section?

I have had both a termination of an unplanned pregnancy at 21 (no regrets!), and continued an unplanned pregnancy at 23. Obviously I love my DC and I am still with her father (we had been together 2 years & were living together), expecting our third, but having a child at 23 has made a big difference to my life. I have made lots of lovely friends through having the kids but I do await eagerly the day my best friends from university and school start having kids (bound to be soon - we are all 30 now!). Particularly at the beginning I felt very out of kilter with what I "should" be doing. Most of all it has made a big difference to my career. I am nowhere near the place I would be if I hadn't had my DC in my 20s. Most of the time I am fine with that, but I did not have a clue that would be an issue when I made my merry decision to continue with the pregnancy...