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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Really struggling with the gender of my baby

13 replies

ZebraZeebra · 29/10/2014 20:05

I can't believe I'm even feeling like this. I feel awful, please don't judge me. We have a two year old boy and we didn't find out the gender with him. Had my 20 week scan with this pregnancy last week and just found out it's a girl.

I feel really depressed about it. My own older brother is hateful - really toxic and abusive. I haven't spoken to him in eight or nine years. I was his whipping boy for years and years...I idolised him as a child and stuck by him loyally as an adult until I finally broke contact when he physically attacked me.

It's not that she's a girl...I have nothing against girls. It's the brother/sister dynamic and I simplistically thought that having two of the same - of whatever gender - would avoid all of that. I just feel down when I think about my son - who is lovely and sweet and kind - with his little sister. Who isn't even born yet. But I have no other frame of reference other than the very dysfunctional relationship I had with my brother.

There's also the worry that my brother is such an awful person, yet we were parented the same. I've had my moments but I'm not a horrible person. So that just makes it all feel so random and out of control.

I keep hoping the sonographer was wrong, which is AWFUL because it feels like I'm betraying my baby. I also keep hoping I'll get the warm fuzzy feelings soon but it's not happening :( I don't know what to do - how to make myself get a grip on this.

OP posts:

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ApocalypseThen · 29/10/2014 20:08

I'm sorry you feel like that. I have three brothers and I wouldn't be without them. We did fight as kids but as adults, we're really close. It can be a wonderful relationship. I can't imagine better siblings than mine.

Pooka · 29/10/2014 20:12

I love my older brothers and they love me. :)

They're a bit older than me, so there have been times when we've been less close because of age gap, but always brotherly/sisterly love (even when irritating the life out of each other and fighting tooth and nail).

Dd is the eldest, but she has two younger brothers. They get on fine, albeit with usual sibling squabbles.

Pooka · 29/10/2014 20:13

I know is easy for me to say will be fine, and of course there are male/female sibling relationships that are crap, but I'm betting there are just as many male/male and female/female sibling relationships that are rubbish.

odoneel · 29/10/2014 20:13

I think the whole gender worry is a bit of red herring, to be honest. I was terrified of having a girl, because I don't have a great relationship with my mum, and I was scared of replicating that. I have a son, and thought that none of those issues would arise. But that do, even though he's a boy. Important thing is that I am aware of them and can stop them before they start, IYSWIM. The sex of the child makes no difference, with these kinds of things

Hemlock2013 · 29/10/2014 20:13

Yes, I too have a big brother and our relationship is wonderful. We were friends through some really hard times, but socialised together, always had each other if sonething went wrong. It was great!

My mum and her brother never got on. Not toxic but, it's not inherent. They are who they are and they most certainly are not you and your brother.

I'm not down playing your feelings but I felt when pregnant all my past relationships were in the spotlight. So I had an awful relationship with my mum and when I found out I was having a girl, I almost re lived our entire toxic relationship. It was so hard. But my relationship with my daughter is so different to that if me and my mum.

Try not to worry. Brothers and sisters are amazing together. You will get to see this with your two and hopefully put to bed the awful history you had with yours x x

Nodney · 29/10/2014 20:14

I'm sorry you're feeling like this OP. What you went through with your brother is certainly not my experience of brother/sister siblings. I have one brother and I love him very much. As children we stuck together like glue despite the usual childhood bickering. I have a number of female friends who also have one brother and they also have a good relationship with their sibling. Try not to worry. I know it's easier said than done, but as they grow up together I'm positive you will realise that brother/sister relationships are just as lovely.

NancyJones · 29/10/2014 20:18

I think it would help you to think in terms of your brother as a nasty older sibling rather than a nasty older brother. He was the way he was because he was nasty, not because he was a boy and you were a girl. Your DS is not nasty, you already know that so everything will be fine!

shushpenfold · 29/10/2014 20:19

Aww - OP, really sorry that you had such an awful experience. My DS was (and still is) so lovely and dedicated to his Lsis (dd1) that he asked after her and again after dd2 when he would get another Lsis . He's the absolutely best brother ever and it's 50% personality and 50% your input and upbringing.

I'm sure that your ds will be a lovely big brother. x

Original poster

ZebraZeebra · 29/10/2014 20:21

Thanks so much everyone, almost in tears here because I just feel so bad about it...my poor baby, I can't believe I'm having this reaction. DH has also said similar to a few of your comments - that it will be healing and cathartic for me to see my children not being like we were. I grieved over my brother and our relationship for such a long time, it took such a long time to get over it...I still don't think I am and it's probably all coming back up to the surface again.

OP posts:

Thrholidaysarecoming · 29/10/2014 20:30

Your brother had serious issues, many sisters, mothers,fathers, uncles ect..have them.

It's not a brother/sister thing.

What is a sibling thing is the usual banter/teasing/winding up.

I love my brother and he loves me. He is the male version of me and dp laughs at how geekish we are and what we talk about when we are with each other.

This won't happen with your two.

Have you considered councilling to deal with your relationship with your brother?

SilverStars · 29/10/2014 22:17

You could share your concerns with your midwife who may be able to arrange some support before&/after birth - it is much quicker and specific when done through maternity services usually.

junkfoodaddict · 30/10/2014 05:49

I am estranged from my brother and have been for 6 years. He broke contact with me because I invited my parents (they stopped speaking 18 months prior to my engagement) as well as him and his family to my wedding.
My brother was never close to me as I was to him. He was a pain when growing up; calling me names, taunting me, hitting me and generally made my life hell sometimes YET I remained close to him because that is the way I am - family first. In adulthood, he would only ever contact me if he needed something or advice, would always hang up with an excuse on the phone when he stopped speaking and it was my turn, made excuse for me not to visit at the last minute etc, etc. So now, although angry at him for so easily cutting himself off from me AND the rest of the family, I would never envisage that my children's relationship would mirror that of mine with my brother.
I understand that you and your brother were parented in the same way as was me and mine but a lot determines the personality.

Emz1989 · 30/10/2014 06:54

I have an awful relationship with my older sister - the boy/girl dynamic doesn't change the bond between siblings! We both get on extremely well with our younger sister, but myself and the eldest haven't spoken properly in years, since she moved away to university... I understand your concerns, not having a bond with a sibling of either gender is really upsetting and I'm sure no new mum would want that for their children... I just know that I'd have been over the moon with an older brother!!! Try to relax, a few friends of mine have had a boy followed by a girl and nearly all have taken the role of responsible, protective big bro! Xx

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