Really dark thoughts- pregnant!

[scaredofmythoughts]

I am 26 weeks pregnant with what was a much wanted and desired pregnancy. I have miscarried several times and when I found out I was pregnant while I was scared I was also happy and all about the baby. I think having iscarried so many times prevented me from bonding normally with the baby. Things have gradually went wrong.

One of my best friends died at the beginning of my pregnancy, I have HG and even though I'm now 26 weeks it hasn't gone away, I am always in pain, I feel detached from the pregnancy and my family are being complete nightmares- my Mum is a bully who throws tantrums all the time and is never wrong and stresses me out. My bp is sky high. I don't drink or smoke, I have gained no weight with the pregnancy as am so sick and when she moves I feel nothing.

I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I've had enough. I can't function, I'm crying all the time, I don't want to see people and am too exhausted to do so, I barely want to shower atm. I can't handle work. My husband is panicking and worried about me and I feel so guilty because this is not his fault and he is a lovely man. He needs me to keep going for a few more weeks and then he can take care of it.

I just want everything to stop. The only reason I have not harmed myself is that I won't hurt the baby. I'm scared that if I talk to someone about how I feel they will take the baby from me when it's born and I really want to get a grip. I feel like I'm selfish because I can't put the baby first and this is probably harming it.

I am not coping.

Well done for sharing & hugs-you're going through a lot of stress.

Please please go see your GP-you need to look after yourself first & foremost. Someone else with better advice will be along soon -you can do this x

Can you phone up your midwife or someone from your team tomorrow and say exactly what you write here? there is help available of you tell them.

You need to get help. Its not your fault your feeling like this but hiding it away will only make things worse. They won't take your baby because you've felt like this in pregnancy. Even when moms are ill enough to need in-patient mental health care they normally get taken to a mother and baby unit, so they can stay together.

If you really don't feel able to tell your gp or midwife, then what about private counselling?

The thing is I won't even leave our home anymore. I haven't been outside for 11 days. I can't and don't want to see people. I don't want to do anything. That and the fact that we just moved to a new area so I don't have any real friends here. I'm usually a really successful person and capable but right now I'm just a complete mess. I make mistakes all the time and over react to everything usually followed by hysterics. I'm aware this isn't normal, but am terrified of being labeled with mental heath issues.

From experience I know how hard it is to tell IRL people the truth about how you're feeling when you're this low - as others have said, get in touch with GP or MW. Say you are feeling very bad and that you find it hard to say it all and ask if you can email them - then send exactly what you've put here. They will look after the rest.

And remember that there is absolutely no stigma attached with struggling during pregnancy - you sound like a very capable woman who is being dealt some horrible blows and medical professionals would much rather treat you that way than as someone who isn't capable, so they won't be telling you off for needing help, telling you what to do or intervening in anything you don't feel comfortable with - they will simply work with you as much as you need to get you back into a mental space where you feel safe.

You've been very brave - now you just need to be brave one more time and give people a way in to help you. Good luck.

OP I'm sorry you feel so terrible. Even without your other worries HG and high BP are likely to make you feel mentally awful. (I've been there.) Please take yourself to your GP tomorrow. You will get through this!

Hello lovely, it sounds as though you have been on a really tough journey with the mcs so no wonder you were too nervous to feel bonded with the baby...and I can only imagine how awful HG must be. I had standard morning sickness (puking once or twice in the morning) for the first 15 weeks, and felt so incredibly crap and sorry for myself.

Really try not to punish yourself for your feelings, they are much much more common than you think. I would really encourage you to see your GP as they will be very familiar with this, but if you don't want to could you look into private counselling as others have suggested? These things feel so much better when you talk them through and it sounds as though you don't have huge RL support besides your DP?

Sending you lots of hugs xxx

Over and above all the bad stuff which has happened to make you feel down, it sounds like you could have ante natal depression, which is now recognised as a Proper Thing.

I just had my booking appt. today and confessed that I'd had some degree of AND in my last pregnancy, and was feeling down at the moment (mostly down to feeling tired and worrying about things going wrong, I think). The MW said that she's going to put the maternal mental health team (can't remember if that's the proper title) in touch with me.

The reason I've told you this is that it shows a) that mental health in pregnancy is taken seriously; b) that there are agencies out there specifically to help people like us; and c) that you won't be stigmatised.

So please, give your midwife a ring tomorrow!

Having antenatal depression is not going to reflect badly on you in the future. Its not like normal depression, in that a lot of it can come down to the hormonal changes in your body. Some people are more sensitive than others to those hormonal changes - it means absolutely nothing in relation to your normal mind frame, or capabilities or strengths.

If you don't want to leave the house midwife will come to you, just call and ask (if you can't face calling her, then get your DH to do it for you, all he'd need to say is he's concerned about you and you don't want to leave the house, so could she visit please).

Otherwise, if you really dont want it on your records, seriously look at private counselling. Also they will see you in the evenings so DH could take you.

It sounds as though you're having a really tough time, and struggling to cope with everything you have on your plate is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. I know it feels that way - I was in an awful place during my pregnancy, everything at home felt like it was falling apart, I was in the middle of writing my dissertation, I couldn't cope, didn't want my baby or my DP anymore, and ended up having very dark moments planning suicide. Luckily for me, my DP was tuned in to what was going on and made me see my GP. I hated admitting how helpless I felt, and speaking to my GP about suicide was terrifying- I was afraid that my baby would be taken off me when she was born, and so ashamed that I had considered harming her.

I'm so grateful to my DP now for making sure I got the support I needed. I really enjoyed the last couple of months of my pregnancy, and bonded with my DD instantly. She's now 14 months old, and the absolute light of my life. That awful time feels like a lifetime away now, and I can't imagine a life without DD.

You honestly can get through this. There's no shame in seeing a GP, and it does take courage, but they will get you the support you need. That may include counselling or antidepressants if necessary, but you won't be punished or have your baby taken away for speaking up. Your baby needs her mummy to be strong and healthy enough to take care of her, so for her sake as well as your own please see your doctor.

It's fantastic that your DH is so lovely- use his support. And if your mother adds to your stress, don't feel like you need to have contact with her. You and your baby are the most important people, and don't need any additional stress piled on you. Good luck (and sorry for the essay!)