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Gender of baby, Dad's reaction and new birth partner

14 replies

Natalie132 · 28/10/2014 14:21

So we just came out of a 16 week scan to make sure everything's ok so far. OH more than disappointed to find out we're having a girl so I'm feeling really guilty. He was watching the monitor and then ended up having to be looked after by the woman - ended up with his legs up on a seat and being flat on his back due to feeling faint - he hates hospitals.
We went in with the worry there may be something wrong to coming out having a disapponted OH and now also have to get my sis in to be birth partner. Feel crap - anyone else have any similar experience?

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OhMjh · 28/10/2014 14:28

Don't feel crap. The point of the scan is to determine if you have a happy, healthy baby, not to find out what's between it's legs. I'm sorry, but your OH needs to get his shit together re being 'disappointed'; you should in no way feel guilty and actually, it's the man who determines the sex of the baby, not the woman! I hope you're happy with the outcome of the scan, at least :)

OhMjh · 28/10/2014 14:29

Ps get him to watch the bbc3 program, don't drop the baby - it's all about dads who need a little bit of help when it comes to being birthing partners. At least two of them were hospital phobic and ended up being wonderful in the delivery room :)

Theorientcalf · 28/10/2014 15:12

Why are you feeling guilty? You can't help what the gender is, and as said above it's the man that determines the gender of the foetus! It's the sperm that carries the second X or Y chromosome. He needs to grow up and get over it.

I would look at antenatal classes, especially Nct and get your DH to go with you as it may help both of you with the birth. I found that Nct were good at getting the Dads involved.

Don't feel bad, but you need words with him, and congratulations!

Thumbscrewswitch · 28/10/2014 15:16

Oh goodness, just remind him that it's his sperm that determined the sex of the baby for one thing, and that he will still love his child if he's any kind of decent man and father, regardless of whether it's a boy or girl!

My DH's uncle is an old-fashioned MCP racist homophobic etc. git - his first child was a girl and he didn't speak to his wife for a few hours after finding out - but he became a doting Dad and she's (his DD) never had any problems with him, or thought he loved her less or anything.

Original poster
Natalie132 · 28/10/2014 15:46

Thanks everyone! Yeah he's usually really sweet but all his friends have boys lol. Will try him with those classes, it would be better if he was there for me to yell at when in labour lol. I didn't realise IT was the guy that determined it - can't wait to tell him ;) xx

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babynelly2010 · 28/10/2014 18:16

OH wanted a boy, our first is a girl, we both sort of hoped for a boy then but instead got a lovely girl. I knew he hoped for a boy but was still nice about it and very supportive birth partner. Anyhow, DD is a real daddy's girl and they have a very special bond. Most of the time she actually prefers him over me.
We also have a DS now who is a real boy, fast, loud, climbs all over the place, sticks your fingers anywhere, he requires a lot of energy and my OH does not always have it after a long days of work. Girls are lovely for some things and boys are great for others. I would not worry too much and let him get use to idea... surely he has one guy friend with a daughter that he can speak to?

babynelly2010 · 28/10/2014 18:18

also to add, girls can do many things that boys do so at the end of the day there isn't much of a difference. He can still take her play/ watch football, rugby and so on.

feelingmellow · 28/10/2014 18:28

Don't worry. He will love her when she's here.

hollyisalovelyname · 28/10/2014 18:29

Congratulations on your pregnancy.
I hope you don't mind me saying but I was gobsmacked you didn't know that the man's sperm carries the x or y chromosome that determines the sex of the baby. I thought everybody would learn that in basic biology class / sex ed class.
Perhaps your dh/ dp doesn't know that either. He is ''to blame''.

angeltreats · 28/10/2014 18:43

My BIL fainted at his wife's 12 week scan. He's just always been very squeamish. But he was in the theatre SIL's C section and was very supportive, and is a great dad. I wouldn't dismiss him as a birth partner just because he passed out.

Also I believe gender disappointment is pretty common, I've seen threads on various forums where the mother is disappointed and people are usually quite supportive. I'd bet he'll come round when he gets his head round the idea, he probably just had imagined himself playing football/doing blokey things with a boy.

Original poster
Natalie132 · 28/10/2014 19:25

Holly, that question and comment is for education and sex ed classes I suppose

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Natalie132 · 28/10/2014 19:28

Thanks everyone, I think I'll just give him some time. He has a mild form of Aspergers and always likes talking things through with his best friend, he's gone there now so fingers crossed. I've seen about gender disappointment and I think my parents wanted us to have a boy too as there are so many girls in both of our families - next time is what I'm saying to them lol. Thanks for your support on a difficult day!xx

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BlinkAndMiss · 28/10/2014 20:16

You definitely don't need him there for the birth if this is how he reacts to a scan. Gender disappointment is a real thing but he needs to snap out of it.

There are so many people who leave the hospital without a healthy baby, who would do anything for a healthy baby. The sex of our babies is not something we should have a 'real' reaction to, if he's so disappointed and talking to his friend doesn't help then he might need a gentle reminder of this fact. I'm not saying this to he terrible but please encourage him to be grateful for the little life he's about to bring into the world with you - a person, not an accessory that needs to match what his friends have.

Cuppachaplz · 29/10/2014 11:14

This has made me chuckle (sorry OP)

Don't feel guilty; it's his issues, not yours. I suspect that rather than genuinely being disappointed, that this is a manifestation of his impending paternity becoming more real, so he is reacting in a an odd (and for you horrible) way. Give hime some time, and as others have said take hime to ante-natal classes for support. If it were me, I would just ignore him, and concentrate on yourself and the baby; he'll get his shit together soon (he's going to have no choice ;) )

Incidentally, my DH was totally convinced we were having a girl. DS wanted a boy. They kept bickering (my DS is 11), and Dh had the audacity to say that it was definitely a girl because I had 'gone wide' :O (I have actually gained very little shape). I am expecting a boy, DH sulked for a few minutes, more I suspect because he was wrong, and DS had a weeks hilarity calling me 'wide load', until pregnancy hormones got the better of me and I burst into tears. He was really upset that he had upset me (not that much actually,just hormonal), DH told him off for calling me that which made him worse, and I was annoyed as it was ultimately DH's comment that was the cause. In short, I kind of wish the pair of them had 'got their shit together' and kept their mouth shut. Men!!! Angry FFS

Seriously OP, have some Brew and Cake and wait for his male brain to catch up (might take a while... :) ), and be grateful you are having a girl who will hopefully never act like this xxx Flowers

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