Depressed partner

[Saveitforarainyday]

Hello mumsnet, I am hoping for a bit of advice/help please. I have just had my 20 week scan and found out I am having a little girl - all looking healthy, and my first baby. I am over the moon, but my partner is very down about everything. It was an unplanned pregnancy, and I wouldn't wish the trauma that we went through when we first found out on anyone. He didn't want the baby and I did, and I feel like I've pushed him in to this now. He is very depressed and could only talk about negative things after today's scan - how he will look after/protect our little girl when he has back problems, how she will manage as he gets older. I'm very sad and feeling very guilty about everything, and feel like I can't enjoy being pregnant. some colleagues at work have offered to give us some (much needed) new born baby stuff like prams and little baths, but I feel like when I pick it up I'll have to hide it from him until he is ready to see it. I'm still taking our two big dogs out every day, cleaning the house, doing all the cooking and washing. My partner does the DIY side of things and, to his credit is fixing up the spare room. Sorry for rambling, I'm just feeling so lost. I've had to plaster on a happy face all day and tell people how over the moon I am about finding out its a girl, when inside I feel so sad about the situation.

Is he really depressed or just shitting himself at the prospect of becoming a daddy?

Are you signed up for any pregnancy/birth classes yet? Has he any friends who have kids? OK so he should really be getting used to the idea by now.

I would have a sit down chat with him about it - ask him how he is feeling and what he fears for the future. Is there anything that is scaring him about the pregnancy, birth or looming parenthood?

Its not good for you or the baby to be getting stressed out by this behaviour and lack of support.

Does your partner have someone to talk to? It could be worth looking into if Relate offers some councelling for this at all.

Thank you. I have talked to him about it and suggested some councelling, but he doesn't want this. He says it helps to talk to me. His Dad was absent for a long period in his life, and this had a profound impact. I think he might be 'shitting himself' - sums it up well Nicename - to a certain extent. He says he's sure things will change when he meets our baby for the first time. I hope so. I really don't think he wants this though.

PS no not signed up for any classes yet, I'll get onto that next week. Was waiting to make sure everything was OK first. Twelve 12 week scan was fine so I should have been able to relax, but found myself putting everything on hold again until after this scan. Maybe birthing/parenting class will help.

Hmmm. He doesn't really know how to be a dad then. He is probably worried about not being able to do it. It may well help to talk but not if he is just offloading it on you and leaving the matter unresolved.

He won't wake up one day and be the perfect dad, but needs to start taking steps towards being comfortable with himself and his new role, and with the changes that are coming for your family.

I think parenting classes would help - meeting other parents, with their own worries, fears and niggles. Check if your local council does any of these.

He's probably nervous and worried about the negative sides of raising a child, whereas you're full of lovely hormones and feeling more positive about it all. He can't feel what you feel, he can only look at things rationally. He's fixing up the spare room! this is good :D Men are wusses and get scared so easily :P You need to be the strong one for both of you