Getting OH involved/excited about pregnancy

[VintageCherry26]

My OH was so happy when I broke the good news, but just doesn't seem that bothered. He doesn't bring up babies/pregnancy unless I do, and he doesn't ask how I'm feeling. He was brilliant and supportive when I had a bit of a tearful break down recently, but other than that nothing! And because he's adamant that we keep the pregnancy a secret from friends and family until Christmas it's difficult because I feel as though I'm getting no emotional support. we've only known that I'm pregnant for 2 weeks, after a year of trying, I just thought he would be acting different since he really wanted this for us. Does anyone have any suggestions to help OH feel more involved/enthusiastic this early on without forcing him? Does anyone else have this problem?

Thank you!

After the initial excitement of the BFP my DP didn't seem particularly fussed either. He wouldn't really get engaged in any talk about the baby. I didn't have many symptoms (still don't) which was worrying me and he totally dismissed the idea of an early scan as a waste of money and whatever happens will happen.

However since the 12 week scan he's been entirely different. I've realised that the lack of enthusiasm and interest wasn't about the pregnancy or the baby but actually he had the same fears as I did that something might go wrong and therefore he wanted the reassurance of the dating scan before he would allow himself to get excited and start any planning.

It may be the same for your DP?

I agree with the above. We're 39 weeks pregnant now, and my OH is now super-excited about the baby coming, possibly even more than I am. But when we first found out about the pregnancy he was just like yours - he was happy but he didn't speak about it much. When I brought up the topic of the baby, he made a few hurtful comments about it still being "early days yet" (he didn't know it was hurtful).

As women we like to talk about our feelings/excitements/frustrations, but I think a lot of guys tend to be more measured in their approach. Don't worry, he'll become more and more excited about it as time goes by!

That does sound about right actually, thank you!! Hopefully it is the same. I have been feeling really exhausted, emotional and nauseous but he doesn't seem to acknowledge me. The only time he's spoken about it recently was in front of friends, he started that he doesn't want to find out the gender and would happily miss the scan (our friends don't know I'm pregnant, so I could barely reply!) but I found this really frustrating since for ages we've been saying that we would want to find out the gender! And in front of other people isn't the best time to bring it up, especially since we both work from home so have all the time in the world to talk about this! I can read him like a book but I can't really understand what's going through his mind at the moment!! Sorry for the rant, it's nice to finally talk to other people about being pregnant, it's been killing me!

I think that's pretty normal. He can't see a bump and doesn't feel physically different so it's not as 'in your face' as it is for you. I get asked about it all the time at work etc as I have a bump but my husband never talks about it with anyone apart from me and it only feels real when he sees a scan or feels kicking. Don't worry. There's plenty of time for the drama to ensue! I think we've seen the films where the man suddenly gets supportive and wonderful etc. give him time!

I also remember my husband saying 'you're barely pregnant' when I was struggling at 12ish weeks with sickness. Pretty hurtful but I think it shows his mindset - that you get 'more' pregnant over time!

Thank you ladies, I'm so glad I'm not alone! We're getting married early December too,so I guess it's all a little overwhelming! One thing at a time I suppose

I agree with the male notion that you 'get more pregnant over time' and they struggle to understand what the big deal is until there is an actually fully formed baby inside you.

I would really encourage him to attend the scan. Seeing his baby on the screen may make the world of difference.

Thank you :) he really isn't getting away with not going to the scan. It's still a long way away, but he would most certainly regret it!

I agree with other posters. I was surprised how little my DH wanted to talk about the pregnancy in the early days. We'd also been trying for a while, and I knew he has always really wanted a baby, so I was expecting him to be obviously thrilled and want to talk about it lots, but actually he was quite detached and quiet about it. Even after we had told other people after the 12 week scan, he'd still be quite reluctant to talk about it, and would sometimes close down conversations if friends started asking. I'm pretty sure that it was because he was worried that something would go wrong, and he was trying to protect himself in case it did, because he somehow felt that it would be less upsetting than if he'd let himself show too much excitement. I thought the scan would sort it out, but I guess since he couldn't see anything for quite a lot longer he was still worrying about how could he know that things were still okay and hadn't somehow gone wrong in the meantime. It's different later when you have a visible bump and the man can feel the baby move.

But if you feel that you're not getting enough emotional support, maybe it would be worth explaining that to him and saying that you'd like to tell someone you could talk things through with (e.g. mum, close friend, or whatever). I told my mum before we had made any general announcement, and it made a big difference being able to talk things over with her, and made me mind less about DH being so reserved.

Thank you for the advice Caravela! I think I may ask his permission to confide in my friend (I wouldn't trust my mother not to let it slip, since she's pretty excited to become a grandmother!!). I'm feeling lonely not being able to talk about it with anyone, especially when 2 of my close friends are pregnant and have their good news all out in the open. Having just one person knowing will make a world of difference!!

I told one close friend and it really helped. Especially since she had a baby and could answer lots of questions.

Your DP might benefit from talking to a friend about it himself actually... my DP told his friend who had a 1 year old and I think that helped him build some excitement because his friend would text with questions about the scans and say things like 'it's the best thing you'll ever do mate'.

Thanks bellyrub :) I think I will see if I can speak to someone about it. My mum and I usually go out for a glass of wine and a catch up every few weeks and she's already questioning why I'm skipping the wine. There's only so many times I can make excuses and I feel bad for lying! I will also encourage DP to talk to his friends who have babies :) he is getting a bit better, I keep telling him little details of the development and how big the baby is at each week which he gets kind of excited about. I know it's early but I may see if I can take him out to choose a gift for the baby so that may make it feel more real :)

Really, both last time and this time my husband was pretty much the same. Sweet and considerate when I really broke down but otherwise doesn't really seem to think about it much at all. It did really bother me last time, not so much now as I know that it's just the way he is and, once we get closer to the due date, and especially once the baby is here, he'll be totally excited and involved. Sure it will be the same with your OH.

Interestingly during both my pregnancies my OH has become very focused on his career and our finances. I want to talk about baby names, equipment etc and he wants to talk about reducing this loan payment, switching to that internet provider for better rates, opening another savings account etc. I really think that it's his way of preparing for his family getting bigger, by making sure that we're in the best financial position. He's looking at the bigger picture and the long term, I'm looking at the details and the short term so it all works out and everything gets taken care of. I really think there is a pretty big gender divide when it comes to preparing for a family.