My partner is having a wobble

[Sakura03]

Hi everyone, I'm new on here but could do with your opinion! I'm 36 and my dp is 42 and we have been together for 6 years. I have been broody for 3 years!!! Last year my dp agreed that this year we'd start ttc which we have, however he's stopped taking his vitamins and it turns out he's having a wobble - he says he can't afford having a child. I earn more than him and he earns just above minimum wage. He now says I'm being selfish and doesn't see things from his perspective. I know we will have to be careful with our money but I do believe that we can still afford holidays etc by saving up but not necessarily go on 5 star all inclusive every year. I know and appreciate that he is very proud and wants to provide but I don't quite know what to do. To me it doesn't matter that he pays less than me but it clearly bothers him. Anyone been in similar situation?

I haven't been in a similar situation but wanting to have children or not is a make or break for most couples. Don't let him keep stringing you along implying you could have children but maybe not as you are approaching the time when the window of opportunity to have a baby starts to narrow. If a man of 42 still doesn't want to be a dad you may have to face the fact that you are incompatible unless you are willing to never have children.

There is never financially the right time to have a child. Your lifestyle changes, you spend money differently.

Unless he is suddenly going to get a fantastic new job this issue is not going to be changing any time soon.
Either he needs to swallow his pride, get over it and be the best partner and father he can be or you need to reconsider this relationship.
Does he understand HOW important this is to you. And how selfish HE sounds. I'd have much more respect for a man who simply says, honestly that he never wants children and faces the consequences.

If he wanted a baby it wouldn't matter.
Hopefully this is just nerves and reality setting in and you can 'talk him round'.

You need to ask him if he really means not now or if he means never. I have seen too many women strung along, some of whom missed their chance to be a parent waiting for their partner or now ex partner to fundamentally change their view. Are you still ttc, if having unprotected sex? I'm afraid you need to be clear that it's what you both want, and whether he would in fact welcome a pregnancy.

Kids cost a lot and most of us don't live life to the same standard afterwards. Nursery fees especially are like e second mortgage. But they don't get cheaper as you get older... you just get less fertile and increase your chances of pregnancy complications. Good luck OP, I really hope you find a joint way forward.

Well unless he is currently undertaking training or education to boost his earning potential, his wage isnt going to fluctuate that much! Therefore he needs to drcide whether he wants a child or not. If he does, then it needs to be asap - no one is getting any younger! And if he doesnt, well, at least you can make a decision about whether you want to stay based on that.

FWIW my DH is on a low wage, and whilst mine isnt big, it is bigger and its never caused one jot of bother to us. All our.money is pooled, bills paid and we each have a bit left over for treats (can afford weekends away with friends, take aways weekly etc) and we really dont earn masses.

He needs to decide if, all other things ignored, does he want to be a parent.

Don't let him keep dragging this out. I'm sorry to be harsh but at your age you need to start trying now. Bear in mind on average it takes 1 year to conceive, and if you have any difficulty the nhs won't help till you've been trying for 2 years. After 35, every month you delay reduces your chances a little bit more. Also the later you get pregnant, the greater your risks of complications.

You need to decide whether you want to be with him enough to risk never having children. If not, then you need to sit down with him, go through the fertility statistics, and be very blunt that either he fully commits to this or you will be leaving.

FWIW, I had exactly that conversation with dh at your age. He'd never really understood the implications of waiting, or of how much of a risk he was asking me to take. Once he'd had a chance to absorb it, he agreed himself we couldn't keep waiting for "the perfect time" and we started ttc in earnest!

Probble is right. You just spend money differently. DC themselves don't have to cost much at all. The biggest cost if you both work is childcare which can he huge but I don't think that probably the bit he's thinking about. I suspect it's not about money at all - it's about him not wanting to change his lifestyle. He likes things as the are. DC can involve a lot of compromises eg. Less time for own hobbies, sharing the work

Is he hard working? Does he pull his weight at home and at work? Being reliable and responsible is essential for a long term marriage and being a parent. He of course can be on a low wage but someone who is an equal partner and hard working. If this is missing I would seriously reconsider having kids.

I agree with everyone on here. As a general rule, at that age, most men wobbling about children are in fact wobbling about their relationship with their partner.

I know many women in their 40's who are now childless cause their partner didn't have the courage to end the relationship sooner. To add salt in the wound, most of these woman are also single.

Look after your best interests and yourself.

sorry last line should've read "seriously reconsider having kids WITH THIS MAN."

I agree, I'm only 27 and it took us 4 years to concieve, I'm now pregnant with ivf and there's no never been any medical reason why I couldn't get pregnant. I'm so glad we started ttc when we did, you never know how long it's going to take and unless he has plans too hugely boost his income in the very near future I really don't see the point in you waiting. Good luck c

Thank you so much all of you! We've had a chat today and dp admitted that the whole thing freaks him out a bit, mainly because he's not the main provider and feels he ought to be! I told him he needs to honest with himself as if he has changed his mind I'd need to know as it changes everything! He assured me that he wants us to start a family and will try to worry less about the financial side of it (he is a bit of a worrier in general...) I did what you suggested Mrsqueen - I showed him info re fertility stats which I think made it a bit clearer to him. I know he'll be a brilliant dad as he's great with friends' children and he's definitely hardworking and reliable! I feel so much better now, thank you for all your support:-)