FTM with no friends :( Advice needed

[tiggy2610]

I've always been a sociable person; I'm quite outgoing and have previously had a large group of friends. Now I'm 22 weeks pregnant with my first and I feel like I genuinely have no friends, has anyone else ever felt the same?

DH and I were married young (or so we were told....) at 23 and now I'm approaching 27 we're still the only married couple I know. Even though we are now 22 weeks pregnant we suffer from unexplained infertility and battled with fertility treatments for 4 years before our last treatment was a success. During these four years we experienced an early miscarriage, one cancelled IVF cycle due to me requiring emergency gallbladder surgery and another cancelled transfer due to me developing OHSS, our first FET failed but our final FET resulting in this little one who's currently kicking up a storm. When our first FET failed I didn't receive one text from 'real life' friends. During this time friends didn't know how to speak to me, so they didn't. I developed a fantastic support system online for infertile woman but real life friends never spoke about the subject. When they did they would say things which were, frankly, hurtful, such as "Just adopt, at least you won't ruin your boobs" or "If I am pregnant, you can have it"....

Finally being pregnant is more than we could have ever wished for and at almost 27 I wouldn't class myself as a young Mum but the "close" friends I did have are still spending weekends getting drunk and on shopping sprees which I've now stopped being invited to because "I can't do fun things anymore". My closest friend who lived 5 mins down the road hasn't contacted me for around 4 weeks and doesn't text me back, she's a primary school teacher and has a very close knit group of friends from work who she spends most of her time with. My oldest and dearest friend who I've known for almost 25 years is extremely supportive but we rarely see each other as she is a busy nurse who works shifts and lives 45minutes away, although we do text regularly. That’s it.

I have a good group of 'friends' at work but they're not people I would spend my 'free time' with and most are older Mums with grown up children. I'm out of the house from 7am-7pm due to work and I'm crawling into bed at 9pm so trying to have a social life during the week is impossible. DH is honestly my best friends and I happily spend most of my free time with him. We make each other laugh and can spend hours together without getting bored but I'm worried that when baby comes and I'm at home I'm just going to be lonely. I don't have any friends who are mums or even thinking about having children. We do have local mother and baby groups which I am planning on joining but will that be enough?

Sorry for the long post, I had this sudden realisation last night that I have no friends and had a bit of a crying session on DH. Am I weird?

I am in the exact same situation as you. I am 26 and 28 weeks. I dont have any real friends- mostly because we moved to an area far away, but i only had 1 or 2 friends back home anyway.

Dh is my best friend and i dont feel like i missing out, but i think it would be good for our baby to have some friends and other mums to hang out with.

When you finish for maternity try and find out where your local mums &baby groups are & go along. You'll meet other women going thru the same as you & you'll end up being fantastic support for each other filling your days with play dates coffee morning etc. Life does change when you have a baby your true friends will stick by you & when they eventually have babies they'll realise that.

It might sound cheesey, but if you go to an antenatal group of some sort (eg NCT class/antenatal yoga or similar), then you will definitely meet people, and it's important to find some time to be kind to yourself. I found that antenatal yoga really helped with this, although I took a lot of it with a pinch of salt.
I was in a similar situation (older, but the first of our group to be married/pregnant), and I also found that people stopped inviting us out etc.
Mum and baby groups will be great once you find the right one. I'm really good friends with a woman I met on the very first session, which was held in our local health centre for new first time mums.

PS - as you say, you're a socialable person, so that will help a lot! I'm shy but at least carrying a baby around is an immediate conversation starter in a lot of cases.

I second PP recommending NCT classes. Where they may be a little controversial info wise, I cannot fault the friends I have made through them. I was in a similar situation, where I suddenly became this 'boring' person through my pregnancy and meeting other first time mums and their partners really helped both me and my partner. I'm currently 35 weeks with my first, and me and the other ladies all Whatsapp, as do the men and it's just reassuring to know I have a network of friends going through the same thing.

Don't worry. You are a sociable person and you will meet new mums in your situation when you take yourself out to baby groups. There are a lot of them. Have a look at the local sure start centre, and also netmums local listings.

You and your old friends are in a different stage in life. It's just as simple as that. I wangst interested in babies at all at 27. And I womt know what to do if someone talk to me about infertility or pregnancy or children.

Hi I feel the same too, but I'm 22 and pregnant with my second. Haven't really had any friends since I left school but when I got pregnant at 19 the ones I did have were only interested for a second and don't get that I don't have any money to do things like them. Now, my oldest friend is pregnant too but isn't interested in me. I always ask her how she is and how her appointments go because I know she has had problems but she rarely asks how we are. She just doesn't really care about us I think! I'll be honest, it is shit being home alone with the baby and no one to talk to until DP comes home. He and my mum are probably my best friends (god that makes me sound sad!)

I guess you just have to put yourself right out there at baby groups and stuff, which I'm not very good at and no one wanted to talk to me anyway as they were all quite a bit older! Good luck

I moved to a new area when my baby was 8 weeks old and I didn't go to baby groups and had a miserable first two years mostly on my own with her, I found motherhood made me feel alone like nothing else - I posted for a meet up on my mumsnet local and met some lovely people that have really improved the quality of my life - i love my DH dearly but I have much more 'time on my hands' than he does as he works much more now. Don't anticipate your age as a problem, I was married at 23 too even though we didn't have kids until our 30s (also due to having trouble) and don't give up too soon - british people take a good while to make real friends so let it build up over time

Bless you I think we all at some points in life feel like you do it was a little different for me as from leaving school till meeting my dp I was heavily into drugs and felt the only way to get out of that situation was to distance myself from my "friends". So before I got pregnant with my ds1 I was already "boring" and not going out partying too much anyways. Then since having him and meeting other parents etc I have a circle of real friends who I can share things with some old some new but I do know that by becoming a mum I have met some friends for life and this will happen to you also I'm sure.

You will make friends, I promise. I was the first out of my group to have kids, and so I had to start from scratch once I was on maternity leave. I didn't do NCT, but I went to Sure Start classes and church hall / library playgroups almost every day. If I hit it off with another mum then we'd swap numbers and meet for a coffee, or take the babies swimming or something. 4 years on, I have a great new group of friends, and the fact that our kids have grown up together is a nice bonus.

Thank you so much ladies, all of you it honestly does make me feel better to know I'm not the only one who has experienced things like this. I did the awful thing of sitting and comparing my life with other people I know on the commute into work this morning and decided I was the ultimate billy no mates! Sadly I lost my Mum five years ago so I also feel like theres a big life line gone there. My Dad is fantastic but I don't think he needs to hear about my newly leaky nipples and weird toilet habits

I have looked into the NCT classes as a colleague at work recommended them but currently all of our savings are to cover my maternity leave from work so I need to sit down with DH to figure out if we can afford it cost wise. Your right and we do have a lot of mother and baby groups which are local, it's just forcing myself to get out there and do these things.

I am 29 but the first of our friends to get married let alone have a baby ! My friends are trying to get excited but really say the most stupid things and it's very obvious they have no idea about pregnancy !! I love my friends but understand I will need 'mummy' friends . I joined pregnancy yoga and I am meeting up with everyone this Friday , one of the ladies is due a week after me ! It's the best thing I've ever done cheaper than nct I have a positive approach to labour and new friends I can talk to about baby things and not worry I am boring them !! Money is bit of a concern for us as well but I've only done 5 sessions !

I'm the same!

I've been really ill for years with crohns, so couldnt go out much, couldnt drink etc. I've only started feeling better since I fell pregnant! But the damage is now done, I could count on the one hand the number of friends I have.

OH is now telling me I need to join classes etc as I've become so anti-social, he doesnt want our daughter to be the same.

I have a few things to work on, I just genuinely dont like people anymore in general.

I have no friends either, and over the years have become so used to being alone that I have become quite avoidant, too. Gotta force myself out, really! I can't raise my daughter alone (my husband works nights too)

Sorry got the short reply but I'm typing one handed whilst feeding!

I recommend NCT for meeting other mums, I still see my group two years on.

We have just moved areas and I have a new baby. We did nct (worth the expense for us) and I go to all the local baby groups. You'll make friends I promise.

I have asked for more information from NCT today and looked up some local Yoga groups. Sadly they occur at times I can't attend but I did stumble across some baby groups that could be an option once little one is here.

I think another problem is trying to deal with the realisation that my friends aren't really my friends anymore, iykwim? I know that sounds a bit dramatic but coming to the realisation that our lives are taking completely different paths is almost like a grieving process.

By the way, you don't need to do the NCT antenatal classes to go to NCT groups. My local one runs a weekly bumps and babies in a church hall, and I hear someone is starting a baby group for babies born in the summer.

Also, expect you might not be able to make it out of the house for the first month. It'll be a huge shock to your system when your new baby arrives. It's hard to imagine how time consuming taking care of a newborn is. It will get better, trust me. And sooner or later you'll find the time to go out to baby groups.

It's hard when you lose your old friends. I sympathise, we were one of the first couples to have a baby and we also moved away at the same time.

You just need to put yourself out and go to every class and drop in session you can find and chat to people. I tried to be subtly nosy and ask people whereabouts they live, and if they were nearby I'd suggest maybe we should have coffee one day.

It helps to remember that you're not looking to make friends for life, just friends for maternity leave, if that makes sense.

After those first few months pass a lot of mums will be looking to find other people to hang around with so it makes it easier. Sometimes they're just waiting for someone else to make the first move and suggest coffee or a walk one afternoon.

I've also met a few other mums who are now friends online on the MN local boards and the NM coffee house chat.

To give you a positive story, I knew absolutely no one when we moved a few years back at 33w pregnant. I'm not the most outgoing of people but I made friends, and now know plenty of people, including 2 or 3 who I would class as genuine friends, not just other mums I know.

Poor pet! I actually don't think it's so very unusual to have only one or two proper friends when you are part of a strong couple. DH and I tend to be quite averse to social events these days, and if I didn't have him I would definitely still have a couple of people to hang out with but there is hardly anyone with whom I'm really close. Most friends for me have been easy come, easy go, and I've never much been bothered about that.

I think the advice that's been given so far is really good - go to ante natal classes of various sorts and meet people there, or maybe put out and ad on gumtree or craigslist saying you're a young mum-to-be looking for other women in the same situation. An acquaintance who had a baby recently put an ad out and met three other women with whom she's now firm friends; they cook for each other every Friday and go for walks in the park together etc, it's worked out perfectly for her

Best of luck and try not to worry. The idea of a situation can often be much worse than the situation itself. In reality I'm sure you'll make lots of friends and you'll wonder how you ever worried in the first place. All the best!

After reading all your responses and sitting down and chatting epithet DH last night I took the plunge and signed up to the NCT antenatal class. it is a big-ish cost but DH persuaded me it would be worth it if it helps to start a bit of a support network and help improve my current mood.

Thank you all