Life after ectopic? Support thread?

[hawaiibaby]

Hi,

Had surgery on Tuesday for ectopic pregnancy and removal of my left tube. Feeling pretty crap, pretty sad and pretty hopeless. I know it is very early days but just wondered how long until you began to feel better; physically then emotionally? Did anything help with either?

I couldn't see any current threads on this, if there is anyone out there in a similar position please shout.

TIA

It's awful, I know. I had an ectopic and tube removal earlier this year. I would have been due in two weeks. But tomorrow I have a hospital appointment because it seems I am pregnant. It will be my six week scan to check things are in place. So it can happen. I think I felt physically better after a couple of weeks. Emotionally it took longer but I have come out the other side. I found it better to have a little less contact with pregnant women for a bit but it gets too hard if you leave it too long. It helped me to try to get back to relative normality as soon as I was able, and keep my mind occupied with other things. Have you told many people about it?

Thanks for replying and CONGRATULATIONS! Wonderful news and wishing you all the best for your scan tomorrow. Great that they are keeping an eye on you, must provide done reassurance.

I have text a few friends now... It's like I have to acknowledge what's happened, what we've lost, I don't want to pretend nothing has happened because it has, so I guess in some way, the fact I am affected physically is perversely good as it will stop me just pretending nothing has happened. Did you share what happened with people?

Please update when you can about your scan and I hope your due date isn't too sad x mine is the day after my birthday and the day before ds' 2nd birthday. Maybe things will get swallowed up a bit with that but I'm sure it will still be tough.

We had ivf for ds due to ds' fertility problems. This was natural and seemingly a miracle so we are all over the place now and not sure if we should just pack it in and accept this is our family. I know it is v early days though. Thanks again for responding x

Hi Hawaii. So sorry to hear about your ectopic pregnancy. I had an EP and surgery to remove right tube last Christmas. Such a terribly sad time. But, as of test done this morning(!) I am at last pregnant again. I'll also need a six week scan to check everything's as it should be so fingers crossed.

As mine happened over Christmas holidays I just went back to work come Jan 2nd. No one had any reason to know I had had surgery or that I had lost a pregnancy. I realise now I should have taken longer off and told more people. As the hospital said it was minor surgery I just tried to carry on. By the end of a day teaching I was doubled over in pain. I'm really angry with myself for not prioritising my health and sanity.

There's an Ectopic Pregnancy Support Thread in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss. I've just bumped it for you. But it's not very frequently written on but you may find comfort in reading historic posts (I did).

Be kind to yourself, rest and grieve at your own pace.

Also, there's an active forum on the Ectopic Pregnancy Trust website.

I had to tell the closest friends and family because of the surgery. It seemed too big a thing to happen without telling a few people. Since then I have told a few good friends but not too many. Luckily (!) it coincided with my being made redundant so I didn't have to tell work. I know what you mean about the physical pain. I felt so bruised and battered emotionally that the physical pain almost validated it and made it more real. Afterwards I did wonder if I could ever try again. There is so much that can go wrong and you just don't know if you can bear it again. But there are so many women on here who say it is possible, and with babies to prove it. It is early days to be even trying to think about it because it seems so hard but things do get easier, bit by bit.

Crapping myself about scan, thank you for your congratulations. Will update xx

Caitmous - CONGRATULATIONS too! I'm so pleased I posted, not just for the support received from you both, but to hear such fab news after a really horrible time. I really hope that all progresses smoothly and that your 6w scan rolls around quickly.

That's so sad about you feeling the need to carry on, though I can completely relate. I think life is a bit like that now anyway, non-stop, chop chop, let's go go go; and we don't let ourselves stand still for a moment and just be, reflect or feel sad. I'm surprised the hospital describe it as minor surgery, it doesn't bloody feel like it does it. I think part of your reaction was probably shock, I am so desperate to get back to normal in some ways so I don't have to think about it, today I found myself contemplating going out even though I knew physically I wasn't able - it's just hard to press pause.

Thanks for bouncing the thread - completely missed the pregnancy loss section, and for the ectopic trust info, too.

Bazza, that's how I feel - like it's too big not to say, which in a way I think is good. If I had miscarried the temptation may have been there to carry on regardless if I wasn't feeling the physical effects so much. There's no hiding though from the surgery and inability to do a lot of things atm.

Did you both have a follow up at the hospital? And if so was it just to check you were healing? I am wondering / hoping / dreading at mine that they might offer an explanation as to why it happened, i.e. if they found a fault with my tube. I understand where they were coming from, but I struggled with the hospital making the whole thing about me and my safety, and not about the loss, does that make any sense? I know the pregnancy wasn't viable, I know it's irrational but I feel bad that it was me over the pregnancy, even though it could not have survived. It's evoked so many sad feelings.

Thanks again for responding and hope to see positive updates from you both very soon - really great news xx

Did you know you were pregnant before you found out it was ectopic? That must have been very hard, and especially after conceiving naturally.

Did a scan pick it up or was it a rupture? I realise I was talking about my recovery from a laparoscopy (keyhole surgery). I had thought I had had another mc as pg tests were positive but I'd had a recent heavy bleed. I didn't take DP with me to the scan as I felt strong enough to hear the news of another mc on my own. But when the sonographer told me there was still a heartbeat but they had to rush me to surgery I was in total shock and had to beg them to wait until he got there. It was truly horrific. And Christmas Eve!

I don't think I've still fully got over that shock. You're right though that the physical pain gives you something to focus on and makes the emotional pain more real. I found my family and in-laws inquired about my physical health but never how I was holding up emotionally. It gave them something to ask about. When I had had a mc three months before they didn't know what to say so decided to say very little. Very odd. I hope you have lovely people around you in real life.

How is your DH doing? Tricky as well after the surgery if you have a toddler.

I didn't have a follow up doctors appt. And the reason for the ectopic is unexplained. The surgeon said that they looked at my left tube and it seemed fine. So fingers crossed all is okay with this pregnancy. It's going to be a long couple of weeks waiting for the scan.

I really wish you well at this horrible time. Keep posting x

Sorry to hear that Hawaii.

I had a ruptured ectopic in sept 2011, L side too and tube obvs removed. Took a good few months to get over emotionally - I think mainly as dh and I were trying to be totally matter of fact about it when actually were devastated and should just have let ourselves grieve at the time! And I hadn't realised dh was as upset as I was - he didn't want to say anything to me and make things worse. All such a tangle.

On the plus side - we had a year old ds at the time of the ectopic, and now have 2 year old dd and a 3 month old ds

So it does happen. Had early scans both times due to the ectopic.

But at the moment I think I wish someone had said to me 'it's ok to feel like crap as this is a horrible traumatic thing to happen'

Take care of yourselves xx

I didn't get a check up either, and wasn't told any reason why it happened. Sometimes there isn't really a reason that anyone can tell you. I agree with the others that you need time to grieve. You are right, it really doesn't feel like a minor operation. It took me half an hour to do what is usually a ten minute walk, and I found myself crying when I saw anyone pregnant or with a tiny baby. And at pretty much everything else, too. Hope you are being looked after xx

How are you doing today Hawaii?

Just thought I'd chime in with another positive story. I had an ectopic last November. I didn't know I was pregnant at the time - I suspected it as my period was late, but I kept on testing negative. In the end my tube ruptured and I had to have emergency surgery, left tube removed. I then had to have surgery three more times (to repair a hernia, to drain an infection, and to repair a wound). They never did find out what was wrong with my tube - it had ruptured pretty badly, I don't think they would have been able to see anything.

I think the fact that I hadn't really been aware that I was pregnant helped. By the time I had my tube removed I was so unwell that I treated it as a "medical emergency" - the pregnancy felt secondary. The following operations, while difficult to get through, kind of confirmed that in my mind - made me focus on my physical recovery instead of thinking about the emotional side of things. The hospital screwed up too (they sent me home with paracetamol when I first came in), I had to go through a complaints procedure, great for taking your mind off things...

But here's the positive - I got pregnant again in January and have now got a 37.5 week baby girl in my belly kicking at my ribs. I have to say, since I've gotten pregnant again, I've thought more about the baby I had last November - but then I think, if that pregnancy had carried on, I wouldn't be meeting this daughter in less than a month!

I'm not sure I have much advice. Just remember that there's nothing you could have done to prevent it, and that your fertility may not be as compromised as you think it is. Even if there was a fault with your tube, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with your other one. I'm not sure if they've explained this to you, but your eggs from your left ovary can and often will travel to your right tube. I was told my fertility had decreased by about 20%, not 50%. Also, although the hospital will have signed you off work for two weeks, be aware that your GP can keep you off for much longer if you feel you need it.

Thanks so much for sharing your stories and for the pep talks. I am so pleased they are all positive! I didn't expect that and it's lovely to see - for me of course, but that you have all had good things happen after something horrible.

Ruby - Congratulations on your soon-to-pop DD bump! What lovely news. It sounds like you really went through the mill, how awful to not have the pregnancy picked up and to be sent home. I think you do what you need at the time to get through so I totally see what you mean in not thinking of the pregnancy as a baby and focusing on you (you must have been so, so ill.) ATM I am feeling really sad about the loss, feeling guilty - I know it doesn't make sense, and grieving I think mostly for what could have been, for how we thought our lives were going to be and trying to adjust to what they are now. I think it's lovely that you are pregnant again and perhaps it gives what happened more of a reason as, as you say your DD could only be here because of the situation. Please come back once you have had her and let me know

Land - Wow, not one but two LOs post-ectopic, that's really great and congratulations on your new babies PS - How do you cope?! Thanks for the advice as well, I think there is always a pressure - perhaps mainly from ourselves to just crack on with things and move on but it really isn't that simple and definitely comes back to bite us. I will try and take things slowly in terms of letting us grieve. I feel for your DH too, mine is quite a sensitive soul in a lot of ways but definitely has just been getting on with it all so far, because he has to so I'll make sure and not forget him during this.

Caitmous - It must have been so awful receiving that information on your own, and off the back of a MC too, I'm so sorry. I can't remember if I have said it or not but I know that we are so, so lucky to have DS, it would be a thousand times worse if we didn't and, no matter what, I know we will always have him. He's a great distraction too, even if he does seem intent on kneeing me in the stomach several times a day. I hope the next two weeks pass quickly and that all is well, you must be dragging yourselves through the days. We found out I was pregnant at 4+6 and yes were so happy, as we had been told very certainly that we wouldn't conceive naturally. I started bleeding at 5+6 which worsened over the weekend along with cramps and a left sided pain(out of hours completely dismissed this - 'you'd be in agony if it was an ectopic' they did a preg test and said 'oh you're still pregnant, don't worry!' then had the scan on Tuesday. Like you, I was expecting MC though foolishly still had a tiny bit of hope. It hadn't ruptured thankfully, they said it was quite large but didn't mention a heartbeat - that must have been awful. I had wondered if there would be one, I wasn't really sure how 'normally' it was developing, but I think I was best not knowing.

Bazza - How did your scan go? Well I hope - please say.

I am ok-ish thanks. We have all caught a sickness bug (great timing throwing up after stomach surgery ) but I was feeling a bit better this morning and desperate to shake off the cobwebs. Did some pottering about the house and cooking but ended up with quite a bad pain above my belly button and was wiped out for hours, I seem to get knocked out really easily but I know that they said to rest and that is why, it's just frustrating.

We are lucky that family are staying to help with DS and so DH can do a bit of work, (his work have been fab) but I really do want some time just the three of us now. I probably sound like an ungrateful cow but it's all too much and I feel like we haven't had a moment really to ourselves to have a little talk and cry. Hopefully they will go tomorrow if I am up to it and we will manage by ourselves.

Thanks again for the support everyone.

PS - Did you try quickly after it happened or wait a while? The Doc told us 3 months but the nurse on the phone yesterday told me, completely unprompted, that we could start ttc as soon as I stopped bleeding and that I would be very fertile. It's put me in a bit of a spin as though I'm not sure I could do ivf again after this, I kind of feel like if there's a chance of us conceiving naturally despite a missing tube and DH's probs, we should take it. Though at the same time it's all so, so soon. Can just imagine trying to seduce DH with 'No don't touch me there, careful, don't get too close!' ha ha hollow laugh

The scan was fine thank you, in the right place and seems to be developing well. Starting to feel wonky, which I'm taking ad a good sign.

Pleased you were feeling a bit better today. I know what you mean about being wiped out so easily - it doesn't take much, does it? And it isn't ungrateful at all to want some time to yourselves. You can't always talk properly with others there, no matter who they are.

I hope you continue to get better. Little by little you'll be able to do more and feel up to facing the outside world again.

I was told to wait one cycle to let everything heal up. We ended up waiting two, as I was in surgery all the time, but we conceived straight away. By the way, just a heads up - your next period might be extra painful as there is some scarring there. The one after that should be back to normal, though!

BTW, I was told the same thing: "you'd be in agony if it was an ectopic". Never mind the fact that they'd put me in a bed by then and been giving me intravenous painkillers for an hour. That's why I ended up getting sent home to take paracetamol. I really hate how some doctors think they can make such an important decision based on their own impression of someone else's pain...

Bazza - Yippee, that's fantastic news! Congratulations again and yes I agree, it's funny but feeling wonky and a bit rubbish is always welcome really as reassurance in early pregnancy! I hope you can relax a little, although I appreciate going through something like this makes you lose your innocence a bit.

Ruby - Thanks for the heads up, I won't panic then if it is worse than normal. I think I have just about stopped bleeding, wasn't expecting it to be so soon but that's one thing out of the way at least. Great that you conceived straight away when you did start trying.

I think we are going to complain about out of hours, she was just awful. Amongst her golden advice was, 'I bled with my son and he was fine... Don't let anyone examine you as that can cause a miscarriage... What a lot of Doctors tell you about pregnancy is bollocks...' In hindsight, I should have gone to A&E but it's done now and I know I'm lucky that although they had to act quickly, it hadn't ruptured. However I think it's important she gets some training as the next person in my position may not have those few days on their side.

I had an ectopic back in 2007. First pregnancy, emergency surgery, hugely traumatic time. Also initially misdiagnosed by crappy gp, despite textbook symptoms. But i went on to have 3 DCs post-ectopic, who are now 6, 4 and 8 months, and the ectopic truly feels like another lifetime ago. I wish you all the best recovering. It is hard to believe now, but one day, this will feel like a long time ago!

Thanks Zoe and sorry to hear of your traumatic time. Congratulations on your 3 DCs! What a lovely happy ending x