Shock pregnancy with toddler twins .. DH not happy at all.

[Robert21]

Hi all

I'm an emotional wreck. I'm pregnant,,, woo! Well that's what I would have said 2 years ago. You see I am clinically infertile, I don't ovulate, have periods, I'm broken. Or so I thought. We have IVF and I have my gorgeous twins a girl and a boy who are 17 months and feel so blessed. Then we had sex once, with no protection and 19 days later BFP! What on earth... Right?

We can't afford this baby and it was totally unplanned (totally our fault for not using anything). I was actually shocked but happy until I told my DH, who was distraught, gutted, crying, shouting, swearing, we can't cope with a baby and twin toddlers, now will that even work with prams and the car and the house! I'm not working so we only have one income. We have discussed a termination but I honestly don't think I can, my husband does not want a termination either but then said he maybe would but knows it would destroy me and probably our marriage if we did do that. We want to rewind time and not have unprotected sex or find something that can mean erasing the memory as living with a termination will be too hard (having been infertile) it's just madness,

What do I do? we both just keep crying! I'm terrified he will resent the pregnancy, the baby and won't love this innocent little bean. I think DH love the twins so much he feels they will suffer and it would be from our selfish act that means they have to now do without in life. Help.... Please xxxx

I don't know what to say....i personally would look at it like a gift. If you have spent all this time being 'clinically infertile' then this is a miracle. I really hope your husband will come around! But i am not in your position so i don't know exactly how you both feel!!

I want to say Congratulations too!

Wow what an emotional rollercoaster. I would say give your husband time, a shock pregnancy is exactly that, a huge shock. I'm sure given time to come to terms with it he will be able to be happy and excited. There is time to make plans financially. It will undoubtedly be challenging at times adding another child but you will manage somehow. x

I think he needs time to calm down a bit and get some perspective. The first few months would be hard, yes, but a family of three children is hardly out of the ordinary and will fit in most cars. If you were to keep the pregnancy, your twins would be over two and walking pretty solidly by the time the baby was born.

The house might be a problem; depends how crammed in you are at the moment. But given you have one twin of each sex, you'd end up with either 2 boys 1 girl or vice versa -- so you would eventually need separate bedrooms for the twins anyway, and the same-sex sibs could share when older.

Wow, it's a big shock! Congratulations. Of course it's going to take a while to get used to.

He chose to have unprotected sex too, so he will have to deal with the consequences.

I'd see it as a miracle too. What if one day when your twins are less of a handful you find yourself wanting to give them a sibling - and it doesn't happen. It would be madness to terminate if there was any chance you will ever want another baby in the future.

I don't know the details as my DCs are older but isn't there some scheme now where nursery funding can start from age 2 rather than age 3? As if you are eligible then your twins may be able to get some nursery hours around the time baby arrives so you would have a bit of space IYSWIM?

Congratulations!! Though it must have been a HUGE shock to you.

You were happy, hold onto that.

DH doesn't want a termination either. Hold onto that.

It will be a bumpy ride, but it will also be wonderful. Don't get caught up in the 'can't afford it, oh fuck' thinking, you'll find a way. People will help, it will all work out. You must still have loads of 'baby' stuff from the twins which you can use?? They wont need it by then.

Yes DH might be resentful, but a swift reminder that he was there too might sort that one out.

Try to stop being cross with each other and the situation and turn it around. You are pregnant, a little brother or sister for the twins.

... and if neither of you want anymore after this one, then you need to seriously consider a vasectomy. Fucking ironic isn't it!!

Congratulations!

It sounds like your SH is in shock and just needs time to process it. Make sure you have time and space to process it in your own way too, especially as pregnancy hormones will be all over you very soon.

In your situation, I wouldn't terminate. It's hard not to impose my own feelings on it, but I would regret it forever and resent my husband over it. As others have said, a family of 3 children isn't huge and you will adjust, and if/when you meet and get to know your unborn child, you'll be so glad. Sorry if that's a bit much.

I can see all the downsides but at the same time, you can turn this into something wonderful. I would hold on to the fact that DH loves the twins so much and he doesn't want them to lose out - he's clearly capable of loving but is perhaps just scared. He needs to be reassured that this will be wonderful for the twins and a family that can adapt to unexpected shocks and build a happy future together is even better.

If a termination really is out of the question then I think DH needs to calm down and get some perspective. This is a new baby not a terrible diagnosis. Perhaps you need to take the lead and approach the issue with confidence - if you think you can do it perhaps he will stop panicking.

Hello. Not quite the same but I have a toddler and recently found out I was PG (didn't think i ovulated properly , needed fertility treatment last time)and it was a huge shock to us both and we considered termination etc. Anyway 3 weeks on I am pleased to say we are now able to discuss it without crying/shouting. And there is the smallest hint of excitement in the air.
I think your dp is clearly in shock, give yourselves time and you may both feel differently. I too would be freaking out at the thought of 3 but a friend I k ow has 3 under 3 and it must be doable. A new singleton would surely be easier than twins.

You will cope. You're not the first person I've heard this happen to. A woman I know had two IVF babies and then got pregnant naturally. Her husband ended up having a vasectomy only 3 years after they wondered if they'd ever even have chidlren. So it's a shock but you will cope.

Let your husband be shocked and concerned about finances, but don't let him sulk, or blame you.

You fake it til you make it. Thats wwhat you do.when faced with something you cant change you find the positives. Its z huge shock but you'll be fine

It really won't cost that much more, the age gap is such that the twins will be out of things, like cot, highchair, etc, so they can be used for the next one.

Also pushchair wise you'll probably find the double you have fine as the twins will be walking out and about a lot more and if they get tired and need to sit down they could take it in turns or both of them go in the pushchair and new baby in a sling or carrier. My son mostly stopped using his pushchair before he was two and completely by 2yrs2months.

Plus you have clothes in both boy and girl things, so that won't need to cost you anything whichever you have.

Car wise - it does depend on what car you've got but it may be workable.

I'm sure your dh will come round and be happy. Its just a massive shock for you both, as you were supposed to be infertile. Obviously for the future you may want to consider something permenant like vasectomy for contraception.

My mom would say - everything happens for a reason, so take it as it comes and It'll all work out in the end.

Congratulations!

You sound like you want to keep this baby, and like you think your husband does too, despite his initial reaction.

Although it is a surprise and a shock, this is doable. I am currently pregnant with my third DC, who will arrive when my boy/girl twins are just 4 years old. I think can imagine what it would be like if they were still two!

It will be difficult balancing all their needs initially because the twins won't be old enough to really understand or be helpful (unlike with my age gap, where the twins are excited and eager to help). However, you will also have three DC very close in age, which will make everything easier once you're out of the newborn stage. They will have similar interests, they'll be ready for similar toys at the same time, and you will be able to balance their needs more easily because they're close in age (unlike me - I'll have two 7 year olds and a 3 year old to balance! They'll be into totally different things!).

Practically, you might need a new car eventually. For the first year or so, while the baby is in an infant carrier, you'd be able to manage with a normal car - twin either side in the back, infant carrier in the front, and if two adult passengers are travelling then one will have to squeeze in the middle in the back. That gives you two years to save for something bigger, when you'll need to fit three seats in the back.

If you've got a double pram for the twins, you won't bee a new one. Get a buggy board to fit the pram and the twins can share one seat/the board between them. While the baby is little you could use a sling an the double pram.

Bedrooms will shuffle somehow. For a long time they could all share, especially as they'll be close in age. Eventually you'd have had to split the twins anyway, and now it'll just be a 2:1 split not a 1:1 split.

To be honest, the main frightened for me would be triple Childcare fees, but it sounds like for now at least that won't be an issue as you'll be at home.

It must be a real shock, but don't lose sight of the blessing too :)

Thank you all so much. I know I want to keep this miracle, I know that it really is amazing that I'm sat here pregnant. Your messages have given me strength. My DH is a very sweet natured kind man, I'm very lucky to have a man like him. I know this is shock, he is also very sensible and blaming himself for not taking precautions. This is not what we would have chosen for our lives but it has happened and can't be undone so onwards and upwards. Let the roller coaster of life begin. Thank you all. Xx

NO.

Stop panicking.

You are both just in shock, that is ALL.

Now...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!

Wonderful news.

You'll manage. You'll do more than manage, you'll have an absolute ball with three wonderful children.

Many, many positives. They will be close in age - minimal outlay for this baby as you have the stuff. You will also get the loss of income bit out of the way more quickly - much more expensive in terms of stalled careers with bigger age gaps. You've already got one of each, so this one can share a room all the way through if necessary no matter which gender it is... you'll have the clothes there whether it's a boy or a girl...

CONGRATULATIONS. Brilliant news.

All the best Robert I am sure everything happens for a reason! :)

I discovered today (at a family funeral) that my mum and her siblings (there were 8 in total!) slept 2 in a bed when they were children. They were obviously very very poor (this is in the 40's/50's) but none of them resent my grandparents for not being able to give them separate bedrooms or shed loads of money. Infact they only spoke very fondly of their childhoods today. The overriding theme being 'we didn't have much, but we had each other and we were happy'.

They are all successful, happy people now (and certainly not poor). I know this example is at the very extreme end of the scale but it struck me today how close they are and how they easily support each other. Nothing like me and my siblings who grew up with lots of money, separate bedrooms and everything we ever wanted handed to us on a plate.

I guess what I'm saying is, your children won't care if you have lots of money or if you only have just enough money to get by. But they will really love having another brother or sister.

Don't panic! You've already made the hardest decision and have decided to carry on. There is no point getting annoyed with yourselves for what has already happened (the unprotected sex) it won't change anything.

You have 8 months till the baby is here. The twins will be older and you'll have time to prepare. You don't work so there will be no additional childcare costs. If your twins were from IVF they probably don't also run in your family so almost certainly this is just one baby; you coped with new born twins before and now you have more experience!

I'm sure you can find space in the house, do you have 3 bedrooms? If so then the twins can share for now then when they are older one twin (the one of the same sex as the new baby) can share with your third child. If you just have 2 bedrooms then the baby can share with you for a few months till you work something out (so 8 months till the birth and then 6+ months after is more than a year to find a bigger house). Your twins will love the new baby in time.

Some combinations of three car seats will all fit in the back of most cars. If you can work out what combos work then you won't need a bigger car.

A from-birth double buggy with a buggy-board would work for out and about. Or any double buggy and a sling for the baby.

Are you a member of any twin support groups? There will be other mums on there who are having a third baby a couple of years after having twins - maybe they have some practical ideas.

I know 30 year old IVF twins whose mum had another baby a couple of years later, all three of them love each other and are very close siblings. Lots of people have a surprise third child and are glad they did.