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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

husband doesn't like pregnancy

23 replies

America1 · 25/09/2014 13:04

Hi,
I started a thread a few weeks ago since my husband left our home. At the time I was told the spark was gone and he needed space. Since then I have been told that its because of the pregnancy which was very planned.
he admits hes been in denial and throwing himself into hobbies and friends to avoid me. We havent been arguing. I get the feeling hes excited for babys arrival but forsome reason its freaking him out. Im now 30 weeks. Anyone have any experience of this? Very little online.

OP posts:

Ohmjh · 25/09/2014 13:22

Although unplanned, my OH was much the same at first. I'm now 33 weeks and in the past few weeks, he's really started to me a lot more involved and interested. It's difficult, because men don't have that connection with the baby like we do, and often feel left out which is covered up by being distant/getting into new hobbies.
I have to say, going to antenatal class really helped him, purely because he could meet other first time dads in the same boat and not feel so alone. He also got to learn things which I didn't know either, so we could discuss them together.
Another thing which also helped was choosing her name - instead of our baby just being this 'thing' making me a hormonal mess, she's Poppy, his daughter, who he can speak to or about and use her name.
I know it's difficult, but talking really is the best thing to tackle this. We had a two hour long conversation in which I was completely open and told him how scared I am about everything, just as he is - where he covers it up by being 'disinterested', I do the same by buying baby clothes and being overly enthusiastic about everything. He probably thinks it's weird how he feels, but when he knows that you're just as worried as it's a new thing for you too, it'll help loads. Also, get him to have a look at how2beadad on YouTube; it's pregnancy and birth and being a dad from a first time dads perspective and he openly talks about the feeling detached from pregnancy part of it - my OH watched all of the videos and it made him feel more relaxed.

ithoughtofitfirst · 25/09/2014 13:30

Pregnancy is so scary. I felt ok when pregnant last time (as in not terrified of the responsibility) but about 4 days after the birth i was just leaving hospital, waiting for the lift and i just thought oh.my.god. WHAT have i just done? I wanted to run to the end of the pier and jump off.

Not that it's an excuse for lack of support because you definitely need more support right now. But sometimes it can just scare the crap out of you. I think the best thing you can do is tell him you understand but that you'd like more support. And tell him to take actions to help himself like counselling or something.

Original poster

America1 · 25/09/2014 13:31

Thanks for this. Dont feel so alone. Problem is he wont talk. Im just going to gice him the space he needs atm I never really hear from him I think hes really confused. The you tube videos sound great ill bare in mind if he ever returns.

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ithoughtofitfirst · 25/09/2014 13:54

That's all you can do i think. It's really tough and you deserve so much better. But people can really lose their way sometimes and it's really unfair on the people they hurt. God knows my DH has been through it

LittleKirk · 25/09/2014 14:28

During both of our planned pregnancies my boyfriend has been very similar to this. in my first pregnancy we actually broke up after the first scan only to resume contact when the due date got closer as he realised how selfish he was being and we eventually worked things out. He was the same with this pregnancy- we didn't break up but he was very distant up until 3 weeks ago and was constantly out with friends and just avoided me and talking about pregnancy but now he wants to be very much involved. I would try giving him his space and let him come to you and not to force the pregnancy on him, let him ask questions or comments on your growing bump. my boyfriend found it very weird that my tummy was getting bigger and that there was another person with me at all times, he also didn't like the baby moving around but now he's completely turned it around. you could try and mention he's been distant and ask if it is the pregnancy or something you need to worry about but from experience I'd say it's just a man thing...

Annarose2014 · 25/09/2014 16:48

He hasn't just been distant - he's left her!

This happened to my friend. He couldn't handle her being pregnant and walked out. No communication. She had to have her mum with her on the day. She had both antenatal and postnatal depression (unsuprisingly).

Two weeks after the birth he asked to see the baby. She agreed, and now he and his daughter have a very close relationship. But my friend never forgave him, and never spoke another word to him that wasn't related to childcare.

It'd be a dealbreaker for me too, I'm afraid. Our partners are meant to be more than just "men who are freaked out" - they're meant to be our best friends.

HumphreyCobbler · 25/09/2014 16:50

If men are a a bit freaked out by pregnancy then they should hide it and learn to cope. They should be supporting their wives.

FlossyMoo · 25/09/2014 16:58

Hi OP

Sorry he has done this to you when you need him most.

What has he said about the future?
Will he be at the birth?
Will he come home once the baby is here?
If the split is permanent what will he do to support you and the baby financially?

Pregnancy can freak out some people however he needs to step up and be a husband and father.

He has left you and now refuses to speak to you. This is not a good sign sorry OP. He needs to grow up.

dorasee · 25/09/2014 17:00

Just a man thing? No it's a weak, weak, weak man thing. I am sorry ladies. Men, yes, they get a little weird, but weak... walking out? No excuses for that.
"Waaaa! I need space. I'm a grown man and I have no balls...but I do have a prick and it's gotten me into a right pickle! Boo hoo. Poor me. My poor little penis. Now I have to be... oh my God, dare I utter the word? 'Responsible'!!"
Sorry to be a hard hearted Hannah but your man's being a prick, OP.
Ok, apart from my neghead rant :-) I do wish you luck and hope it all works out.

Original poster

America1 · 25/09/2014 17:09

Hes said he wants ro be at the birth and antenatal, quite adamant about that. He said the baby will be our world. No indication wherther thats whilst coming back to me though. He will support us both financially while I am on maternity leave. This is sooo out of character I think thats why its took such a long time to get over the shock but now im just left with utter sadness. He said he doesn't want to stay away until the birth. Its like he's another person. Hes told me when iv asked theres no ome else. I do believe him.

OP posts:

FlossyMoo · 25/09/2014 17:15

So one minute he says he can't cope and has left you then he says he doesn't want to stay away until the birth but he won't come home

Does he suffer from depression OP?

OP if he doesn't start making a decision soon then you will have to, for your sake and the babies.
He is dangling you on a piece of string which is not only unfair it is cruel.

How long does he expect you to wait around for him to make a decision?

I appreciate that this must be a complete shock for you and you will be feeling all over the place but I honestly think you should put him to one side and concentrate on you and your baby.

FlossyMoo · 25/09/2014 17:16

Oh and he will not just need to support you while you are on mat leave OP. He will be supporting his child for the next 18 years!

ithoughtofitfirst · 25/09/2014 17:17

Anyone can feel like it. I did after my ds was born. Don't get me wrong i stuck around and breastfed him and whatever but inside i was absolutely FREAKING out at the responsibility of being a mum and thought about getting on a train to somewhere where no one would ever find me pretty much every second of the day. I told dh one day and he was so sweet about it and supported snything i wanted to do that i thought would make my life a bit easier like sleeping in a seperate bed, not making him dinner, not talking to him if i didn't want to. He gave me as much space as i needed.

Original poster

America1 · 25/09/2014 17:26

Yes rhe one person I thought I could completely trust. Its the worst cruelty iv ever experienced. Especially when iv foimd out hes been having a lot of fun with his friends while im down. Iv only just found out it was the pregnancy when he left he said he didnt love me the same way and that was it. To make matters worse I have heard anything from his family. Nothing.

OP posts:

Original poster

America1 · 25/09/2014 17:27

Think thats whats scares me the most as the longer this goes on the less and less I love him.

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FlossyMoo · 25/09/2014 17:29

I think OP that you need to, as hard as it will be, walk away.

He is not a child and it appears he is happy to leave you with all the responsibility and enjoy his freedom.
Don't be his puppet. You are worth more than that so is your baby.

It is a terrible way to start motherhood and not as you imagined when you got pregnant but it is not your fault.

Do you have any RL support?

AgathaF · 25/09/2014 17:32

Please think carefully about whether you want him at your labour and birth. That is a time that a woman needs to feel that whoever is with her is truly 'with her'. Not just a bystander, audience member, or there to tick off a box.

He's proved himself unreliabe during your pregnancy - running off when the going got (a little bit, for him) tough. How will he be at other stages in your life when the going gets tough - difficult baby/toddler/child stages, illness, serious work problems etc? Personally, I think he has a lot of proving himself to do before you should even consider taking him back.

Original poster

America1 · 25/09/2014 17:33

I have amazing friends and people who will stay with me when im bigger to help out. Im off work atm I cant even focus on the tvlet alone wworking and iv noticed im sleeping a lot...dont think its pregnancy related. Just wish I could fast forward to the day I give birth and be happy again.

OP posts:

petalsandstars · 25/09/2014 17:38

I would think strongly about him being at the birth. The period of labour and birth is so centred on you - your needs and your pain management etc you need someone who is going to be a strong advocate for you to say what you want when you might not be able to. And to give you support when you need it the most.

He isn't giving you the support now so I wouldn't plan to rely on him for when you really need it.

Can you ask your mum/sister/friend? He can see the baby at visiting when you are ready- not when you are at your most vulnerable

FlossyMoo · 25/09/2014 17:39

That's good that you have support OP.

Maybe you need to have the mind set of doing this alone (without DH I mean). He has proven himself unreliable and a bit of a shit tbh.

If he has already told you he no longer loves you then I think the relationship is over. You need to focus on YOU.

ithoughtofitfirst · 25/09/2014 18:13

I'm so sorry OP i wish i knew what to say

magneticfield55 · 25/09/2014 18:39

It's designed for infidelity but it helps with any relationship in which one person has checked out. Google "the 180". It's for you, to help emotionally protect yourself, and basically is civility without involvement. If he wants to act like he doesn't have a wife with a child on the way, don't be one. Don't call or text about his whereabouts, don't plead or ask him anything. He's not acting like a husband so he doesn't deserve a wife, nor a child. I agree with keeping him from the birth. You'll be okay, put yourself first and reach out to people around you who aren't brattish children.

Original poster

America1 · 25/09/2014 21:06

You are so right magnetic. I started today yesterday I have text and I have had nothing. Hurts even more but at least I know where I stand. The 180 is a very interesting read thanks for pointing me in the direction

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