Does this happen to anyone else?!

[Bellyrub1980]

5 weeks from my due date and still at work.

For some reason colleagues now feel compelled to constantly 'remind' me how painful labour will be, how many terrible things might happen during and after labour. Interestingly, 5/7 of these women have never been pregnant.

The women who have had children are intent on making it very clear that the next few years of my life will be the worst I've ever had. I honestly can't think of a single optimistic comment.

It's become the main topic of conversation at lunch time, passing in the corridor, at the water cooler etc it's driving me crazy!! I've been smiling and nodding politely for weeks now, trying to change the topic of conversation, ask what it is they like about having children etc. But, frankly, I'm sick of hearing it. Given the fact that I have no choice but to give birth you'd think they'd be slightly more sensitive. Do they think I've spent the last 8 months with my head in the sand happily oblivious to the pain of labour??!

If I knew someone was awaiting surgery, for example, I wouldn't spend weeks just pointing out how painful it will be and all the terrible things that might happen.

As a result I now no longer sit with them at lunchtime, as I'm generally getting more tired I'm not convinced I could bite my tongue when the conversation comes up yet again! So I'm spending the whole day locked away in my office not talking to anyone! I love my job, but my colleagues are making me desperate to get out of there.

Is it just me? Or do I just happen to work with a particularly pessimistic bunch of women?!

A lot of women I know were like that when I had my two, particularly as I'm a young mum -not that that should matter- and admittedly I've probably scared first time
Mums with my labour stories too...

It does seem to be a thing women do to each other! I'm not sure why, it's not very nice. I'm in an ante natal group with my second and me and the other second and third timers are being very careful not to say too much about our first labours if they were hard, or to be all "voice of doom" about things.

Some find labour hard, some don't. Some (maybe most) have a baby that wakes up - fact is, they need to wake up a lot anyway because they have tiny tummies; but some don't. Some have long labours; some are in labour for two hours. There is no standard, there's a lot of variables but you've worked this out for yourself! What will be will be and these women that revel in scaring first time mums shitless are just horrible, IMO. There's just no need for it.

You are doing the right thing blocking them out. A positive attitude really helps going into labour and hearing lots of negative comments will not help with that. Yes my labour hurt but I also found it a very empowering experience and I'm not scared of doing it again. Also having a kid is reallyhard in lots of ways but also the most completely amazing and rewarding things you''ll ever do. Don't let these cowbags get you down this is a time for happiness and excitement. I would be really tempted to tell the never been pregnant ones where to go!!

Point a wand at them and shout EXPECTO PATRONUM! Go on i dare you

Otherwise could you say either say something nice or nothing at all.

Some women do seem to enjoy sharing their terrible labour stories with pregnant women.

If it helps at all, I was pleasantly surprised with my experience of labour with DS1 - yes, it hurt. But it was much better than I'd been led to believe by my more vocal colleagues.

After being polite about it for a fair while I've now resorted to the saying nothing at all approach! I'm fed up with the whole topic of conversation!

Today I had a conversation, just in passing, with a colleague who has never had children starting with the usual "oooh not long for you now!" "Are you nervous? Oh god it will probably be the worst pain you'll ever have in your life. Do you think you'll stay calm through the pain?"

My response could only be "I have no idea!! I guess I'll find out" and then I ran away from the next barrage of questions.

I think one of the oddest/funniest comments I've had is "oh god look at your stomach wriggling. It's like a parasite crawling around inside of you! Yuck!"

What a weird thing for a woman (who will very likely have children herself in the next few years) to say??!

I've decided that no matter how hard the labour and first year are I'm going to totally lie through my teeth and say it's all amazing and I'm the happiest I've ever been, just to rub it in their smug faces!!!

(I am genuinely planning on enjoying my baby by the way, but obviously preparing for the 'worst year of my life' etc haha)

I guess there's also the chance to get the 'never pregnant' ones back at some point in the future!

I'd probably pointedly ask them how they think their comments are helpful.
Or point out that you are still Bellyrub and perfectly capable of talking about other topics. Your identity is not determined by your pregnancy, if you see what I mean.

Could've written your post, Op. I thought it would better second time round, and whilst I've definitely had less of the very helpful 'childbirth is painful' comments, I've had about as many as I can take of the 'Oh my god, having two children is SO HARD...' ad nauseum. I just try to avoid as I don't have the patience and have yet to think of an appropriate comment to respond with.

Fwiw, I never tell other pregnant women about unpleasant things I was unlucky enough to experience, and one of the kindest things I remember anyone saying to me was a woman at work who lied through her teeth and said her children's births were wonderful to reassure me. She told me later that they were awful and fraught with complications but she could see I was bricking it.

I honestly think pregnancy brings out the worst in some people, and usually women? I've lost count of the amount of women who have looked at me and said 'you absolutely do not look pregnant at all. How many weeks are you again?' Maybe I should take it as a compliment? All I can think of to say is, 'we'll it's definitely in there and still got lots of time to grow!'

I suppose you never really know what others are going through themselves so it's to be expected that it prompts some strange behaviour. Although having had previous mc's myself I can honestly say I've never said these sorts of things to other people!

Oh yes. On the day I finished work someone decided to tell me, in great detail, how their mum and little brother nearly died. Wtf?!

I had a phrase that all insensitive arseholes got - "thanks, but I'm only listening to positive stories." It tended to silence them, probably because they thought I was being a bit weird, but it worked

Oh dear that sounds like an awful birth story / child experience. You've made me feel really awful now. I had been looking forward to meeting my baby / being at home with them but now I'm just dreading it. I wonder of it's too late for an abortion.

Try that response. Dare you.

Definitely! I'm only 20 weeks so still have 18 weeks to go and work with doctors. Since going public with the pregnancy all I've heard are horror stories regarding births some of the obstetricians have been involved in?! my pregnancy even started a whole evenings discussion on the topic!

You could always just say, "ooooh I'm quite looking forward to the pain, that's kinda how I got in this mess" give her a wink and skip merrily away with an evil cackle... :)

Yup... It's weird but I guess it's an easy and obvious talking point. Still - odd to focus on the bad stuff. This is number 3 for me (25 weeks) and 90% of people have reacted to the news with 'Oooh - you're brave'. It's a bit annoying now but I sort of know what they mean. I felt out of control during my last two births and am really scared of the pain this time round. HOWEVER, that is partly because I have precipitous (v v fast) labours and they are often more intensely painful (so I'm told...) for a much shorter time. I'll take that over longer labours. AND children are totally brilliant - why wouldn't I want another baby/child even though childbirth is scary - for me. I think labour/birth varies a lot and can feel much more
'manageable' for some women. Either way, there is a pretty amazing end result. And, no, I am not looking forward to the sleep deprivation but I know some babies sleep really well - my second did . (Fingers crossed this one follows DC2's patterns not DC1's...) And, again, even if this baby is a bad sleeper, I still can't wait and think it will be totally brilliant overall. Having children is the best thing I have ever done - so having a third one isn't 'brave' for me. Just ignore your colleagues' opinions and try to bite your tongue - no need to indulge the negative chat though! I think your response sounds just about right!

Yes but thankfully 50/50.
50% scaremongers. "Birth is like rape" (yep. A friend said this) "you'll never work/wear make up/eat normally again" "you'll get pnd" (thanks!)
50% "what a load of bollocks, it hurts but you can ask for drugs and life goes on..."

I am learning to avoid some friends!

Though the worst comment was a 23 year old non mum who announced "you shouldn't scream and shout ... childbirth hurts everyone the same, some women are just fussy" to which another colleague leant over and (kindly) whispered "if she's back to back, ask for the drugs early, don't be a hero." :)

... oh and I fund my belly moving spooky myself!

Lucky my mum induced/delivered twins vaginally and has a "you can be natural or drugged, you might need intervention, but honestly my stitches healed and it was all good." Attitude. Which really helps.

Are you sure they are all being intentionally mean?

I'm expecting my second and work with someone expecting their first. I have told them how awful I found the post partum spell and first 6 months, but my intention has been to let her know that even if it isn't all wonderful and lovely at the beginning, this is pretty normal and she'll still come through it to happier times and even to find herself wanting a second.

I think if people only hear hugely positive rose-tinted accounts of labour and being a new mum they can really feel like a huge failure. For some folk it's easier to know it might be a bit shit at times, but it's so, so worth it....

The thing is ... One if the worst offenders is a glam friend with a naice job and so forth. She didn't have pnd or anything herself.
So she doesn't mean "new mums" she either thinks just ME (and I don't raise the topic at all) or is doing it purely to contrast some imagined rose tinting on my part.

I have friends who have genuinely struggled and told their story. The tone is very different iyswim.

I would never ever ever say anything to make someone more nervous about labour (in fact I have spent a large amount of my working time supporting and reassuring a pregnant friend/colleague)

However..... I do admit the the odd smug comment to people who are due to become parents and who have annoyed me in the past due to their complete inability to imagine what it is like to have children and the presssures I might have juggling work, and who have freely offered up their opinions on looking after babies etc. Particularly certain men that I work with who I know have absolutely no clue (about life in general let alone parenting). OK none of us have much of a clue but they think they do!

Anyway, good luck OP, ignore them.

So I'm not the only one having these god awful conversations!

I am probably being more sensitive than usual, but I'm just so sick of hearing it!!

Maybe they have assumed that I have absolutely no idea what I've let myself in for and feel a responsibity to forewarn me? I have had a pretty easy pregnancy, only 1 day off sick in the last 35 weeks and really do feel pretty good, so perhaps they're thinking I've had it far too easy and become a bit too big for my boots!!

I'd like to think they are telling me these stories to reassure me that hard times are difficult, but it doesn't feel like that. I think theyre just the kind of people who would wait for you to book an all expenses paid holiday to New York and then proceed to quote rates of DVT on long haul flights, the terrorist threat level and how shit the weather will probably be.

I love some of the responses you've all suggested!! I'm hoping to bite my tongue, just one more week and I'll be out of there!!

Luckily, my friends and family have been much more positive and supportive. Not that I'm looking for lots of support necessarily, but comments like "yeah it hurts like hell and then you'll get no sleep for a year, but your baby will be totally worth it so it doesn't matter" is the kind off thing I don't mind hearing. Realistic is fine, but balanced out with the positive. Because, let's face it, if it's all completely horrible why on earth does anyone have children?!

Although thinking about it, I'm not sure the women at work who have had children actually like their children that much. All they ever do is piss and moan about being a mother!!!