Unsure of the best thing to do

[daholster]

I am 9+4 with my second child and have a 16 month old daughter. My husband is going away on business this weekend, and I have had some days of being very exhausted/nauseous, so despite wanting to wait until after 12 weeks to tell our families we decided we would invite them over and do it this weekend (via our daughter having an "I'm going to be a big sister" t shirt, cheesey or what ). That way I can easily ask for help from my in-laws while my husband is away for a couple of weeks.

Sadly today my mum was given the news that my very much loved grandmother only has a few days to live (she's been in hospital with an infection) and they are going to get her to mum's house asap hopefully to die peacefully there. I am very close to my grandma and very upset, although it isn't unexpected, she's been ill for a while.

So of course the family gathering of both families at ours is not happening.

Grandma is hardly ever awake and we live an hour and a half away. I'm going to tell her about the pregnancy of course, a whispered secret in her ear.

But should we still tell the families now? Of we wait til 12 weeks if grandma has gone then people will still be sad. Is it more appropriate now while everyone can celebrate around grandma? Or should we just wait longer and see?

My husband is at work and hasn't got back to me yet, I am not sure what his ideas will be. I just want to do the best thing for my family. I can manage with whatever the morning sickness throws at me while my husband is away, my family are more important, I just want to do the best thing.

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time.

It says some lovely things about you that you are worried about your mum and whats best for the people around you.

I have to say that when I 'announced' my pregnancy, people were happy for me, and my family certainly congratulated me, but there was very little in the way of 'celebration'. Perhaps our families respond very differently?
What kind of celebration around your grandma would you envision?

I'm afraid I have no advice, except to say that if you wished to share your news early I don't think anyone would blame you and it might put a hopeful tinge on what otherwise would be a very sad time. I would perhaps moderate your expectations of what response you anticipate from your family to 'that's lovely'.

What a lovely response, thank you. My family are rather excitable Last time there was champagne and excited chatter, hugs that's all. I don't expect people to get as excited about the second one anyway, but it would be nice to think they might want to celebrate the news in grandma's room with a glass of bubbles. My gut feeling is that this weekend is the right time to do it but expect a measured response. I think it might cheer my mum up a bit. I just don't want to get it wrong!

Hi daholster

Sorry to hear about your gran.

I had a similar situation. I am very close to my gran and grandpa but as I was about to announce (my family are also a bit mad!) my Aunt who is only 54 went into hospital with multiple strokes. Fortunately I had already told my mum but wasn't sure what to do about the others.

My mum advised me to tell them - we actually only decided in the room at the time as we were seeing what the mood was. When I told my grandparents (it was their daughter who was very ill in hospital and they lost another daughter some years ago) they were thrilled and saw it as a little light and something to look forward to. My Aunt was also delighted and joked that I had stolen her thunder.

My Aunt is now ok but it was very much viewed as a nice piece of news.

I hope that helps and good luck.

Hi Daholster I just wanted to say how lovely you sound. Your story brought a tear to my eye! Trust your gut instincts, I suppose no time is the 'right' time. How lovely that you'll be able to tell your grandma- I'm sure she'll be very happy for you. Best of luck

So sorry to hear about your grandma and agree with pps that you are very thoughtful to consider your family's feelings before making your announcement.

I think your family would love to hear your news! Even if they don't feel up to a big celebration I am sure it will be a very happy distraction.

My family had a sudden death last year and just seeing my brother's little 3 week old DD really kept us afloat during a difficult time.

How lovely you all sound! Didn't mean to make you cry rosy! Had a chat with my husband and we plan to tell my family on Saturday and his on Sunday. I think if grandma is home the house will likely be full of music and family and is probably going to be as good a time as there will be.

Hopefully she will hang on until then, we will just have to wait and see. If she goes downhill quickly I'll zoom over with my daughter and tell just grandma, because I want her to know; and if there is anyone she will open her eyes to it is her great granddaughter who she adores!

Thanks for all your help. I'm not looking forward to the next few weeks but hopefully it will be as calm and comfy as possible - and perhaps our news will give a little extra comfort. Your experiences have given me some hope for that and I am grateful to you for sharing them; it's made me a bit more confident that it's the best thing to do, so thank you.

I think that's a nice idea. It's a hard situation you are in, and I'm very sorry about your grandma. Remember to look after yourself, too, over the next few weeks. Wishing you all the best