OH Meltdown

[pfrench]

I need some advice.

My OH is struggling a bit. I'm 39 weeks pregnant, I've had an easy pregnancy and currently show no signs of imminent birth. I've been really active until only the last few weeks, and I don't think that he has really noticed any difference in me. For him life has gone on as normal until relatively recently when I've started to struggle physically. We are sleeping in separate rooms because I'm up and down all night to the toilet, and he is a very light sleeper.

This morning he had a (minor) meltdown. He hadn't slept all night, which obviously doesn't help the state of mind first thing in the morning, but the things he claimed were keeping him awake are things that are unrelated to the baby. We are putting an extension on our house, so that's another stressful thing to deal with, are slightly up against it financially to complete the extension and he hates his job at the moment.

I understand that it's hard for the men around this sort of time, there isn't much they can do to help, things are very uncertain. He's gone off today to a conference with a colleague in an upset mood, saying that all he can think about is how he doesn't want to be in our house, how it's so noisy he can't sleep, how we should never have bought it, it's a money pit and so on.

He claims that he's excited not stressed about the baby, and I really have no concerns about the way he'll be with the baby once it's here, he's great with kids and in general is a lovely kind man. He's just clearly spinning out a bit, and I don't believe him that the traffic noise in the house is the real concern.

What can I do to help? I don't want to say things like "man up" or think that I'm the one about to do all the hard work, I want to do something to help him.

Awh bless - My other half is sort of similar but my pregnancy hasn't been so good and he's found it hard to adapt.

You're 39 weeks now and I am sure on a sub-conscience level he is freaking out and therefore lashing out at things that he has some 'control' over. I'm not sure if you can do anything at this stage to either smooth things over or stop them from escalating which is really hard - I think once your labour starts the lead up will be a distant memory and he will be able to discuss his behavior with you after your baby arrives...

Good luck and hold on in there....come here to moan about him or with some good friends in RL. I obviously come be completely wrong about him but you know in your own mind if what I'm saying makes sense

My bloke likes to fret about stuff that he can 'fix'. I have bad PGP so he feels a tad helpless (just brings me nice nibbbles lol!!)but will worry about tthings that are in my mind irrelevant or minor. Might help if you sat down and drew up a 'how to sort this out' list? He probably wants everything to be perfect for his woman and baby!

I've emailed him a list of options. We are lucky that we have some very nice ones that might make life a lot better for the both of us when he's on paternity leave at least. We wouldn't be at home necessarily, but that might be a good thing considering the mess it is currently in, and the level to which it's depressing him and affecting his sleep.

My OH was similar a few weeks back. We've been doing loads to the house, and I think he felt it was his responsibility to sort everything out. We sat down talked it all through and decided to carry on with the house and it would all come right in the end!! He is very excited about our baby, but understandably nervous and feels a certain degree of pressure making sure things are right for me and baby.

Could he wear earplugs? I often wear them as DH snores loudly
What does he think will happen when baby comes re his disturbed sleep?

He does sometimes wear earplugs, but I think he gets himself into a bit of a spiralling circle of frustration when he can't sleep for reasons other than noise, and then even the earplugs don't work.

What happens when the baby comes is the million dollar question, isn't it. I think he's hoping it'll be one of the big unknown stresses out of the way, and he'll just be able to cope with it more easily. The circle of frustration thing is still going to exist though, and so is this noise, although the noise hasn't bothered him this much in the past (we've been in the house a year). Hence my thinking that it's really all about something other than traffic. I've managed to sort out a really good alternative today, at least for his paternity leave time period, which we can go and sort out this weekend. Hopefully that'll also put an end to the potential stress of bringing a baby home to a building site, and him having to be surrounded with that extra mess and noise in addition to the traffic and a baby.

He is a bit of a sensitive flower, but that's part of why I love him!

About 4 weeks after we moved into our current flat (first house we'd bought) I had an absolute meltdown about traffic noise. To the extent that I begged then BF (now DH) to let me put it back on the market. I just couldn't stand it.

Obviously we're still here, two years on; it's a great flat. But my sensitivity to traffic noise is still a pretty reliable indicator of my general anxiety levels. I think you're right to assume this is about more than the traffic. You sound like a lovely partner doing all the right things. I found it very useful when my DH said 'if you still hate it in a year, we will move' - sort of gave me an end point, even though I think I knew deep down that I'd never need to use it. So the kinds of practical things you're doing are great.

Getting him to talk about what's really concerning him might be harder. I had quite a bit of therapy, which helped but may not be an option in this case. It is important to get it all out in the open though. Have you talked to him about any worries you have about the baby and becoming a parent (not relating to him)? I have started doing this with my DH as we are a few weeks away from the due date for our first and I can tell he is nervous (although like your DP it comes out as anxieties about other things). It sort of makes him feel it's permissible to talk about his fears, I think, and that does seem to help. Reassuring for me as well!

Thanks for sharing OP, I thought it was just our house!

I'm 37 weeks and the last few days my OH and I have been having blazing rows - my hormonal state does NOT help since I can't work out if I'm being as irrational as he says or not! Cue floods of tears. He is so stressed out about money and we are doing work to the house. I understand, but son't want it to take away from excitement of new baby etc. I think it's a Mars vs Venus issue. As someone has already said, men flip out in completely different ways to us. Patience......................................

i had to move 33 weeks pregnant with ds to a house i absolutely hated. I spent the first week there unable to leave the bedroom. I just hated it. I get a knot in my stomach when i think about it... we were there 5 months. I have no idea why. Maybe it was about the baby but really subconscious or something.

I really feel for you and your dp OP. What do you think you'll do?

Well, any planning I did today might have been pointless. He said he couldn't talk about it this evening because he is so tired, and went to bed at 9pm. Before he went though, he said that he'd do whatever made me comfortable, and would just stop being a pussy about the noise (his word choice, not mine). We need to have a real conversation about it though, because his thoughts are to see how things go, whereas in practice, that worries me more than having a definite plan.

Our choices are to stay home. After I've given birth, we come home and are here for his 2 weeks together, potentially with building work going on around us, and also with the traffic noise that seems to be bothering him so much. Or we go straight to my parents from the hospital, who have an annex to their house. This annex is not set up at the moment, so would need to have a bed, a sofa and other bits of furniture put in there to make it liveable for the few weeks we'd be there. It's in the middle of nowhere, so very quiet, but there are obvious pros and cons of being at my parents place for those precious first weeks. I'd have to pack up all the baby gear in advance and take it there ready for use, so it's not something I'd want to be doing in the first few days with a new born. In an ideal world I'd stay home, but the more I thought about it today, the more he's going to be uncomfortable with it.

There is one other option that I've just thought of, involving moving our bed around and sleeping in our spare room with the baby. It's at the back of the house and quieter. I'll suggest that as part of our conversation tomorrow.

Oh wow - this could so easily have been us! We have been renovating for the last 8 years - still have a snagging list and DH is also a light sleeper and can't sleep with any crack of light or noise. He runs his own business so - sleep is important - critical actually. I plan on being in another room with the baby to allow him sleep during the week at least then we can swap. DH was so sensitive (at time a real pain in the backside) about the light/noise that we had noise reducing windows put in our bedroom. It makes a huge difference... but another suggestion - why don't you get another bed for the spare room and he can go in there if it is quieter and you stay in your current room with the baby? I know it feels a bit weird to be separated - but it isn't forever and a good night sleep is the difference between night and day!

Do update this post... I'm thinking of you! Oh and moving to your parents should be a last resort I think... hopefully you can try something else before going that far.

We've decided to stay at home Jersey. We swapped rooms on Tuesday night, and he's had two good night's sleep, so able to actually have a real conversation about how to organise ourselves. We already had two rooms set up for sleeping, the only reason I was in the quieter one is that I was the one to take myself in there when I knew I was being annoying. It could easily have been the other way around, I have no idea why he got himself in such a state about it. Well, I do have an idea, but he's not able to articulate that properly! We have a plan anyway, if it doesn't work then I guess we'll come up with a plan B.

We also had a chance to talk about how we're going to have to share the getting up in the night for an upset child once I've gone back to work. I don't think he'd really thought about that too deeply either!

Are you planning to breastfeed OP? Just asking as it will effect the extent to which DH can help in the night, and perhaps the sleeping arrangements

So pleased you managed to work something out to get a good night sleep! It will make all the difference! I slept separately last night - hubby said I was creating all the heat in the room...so be both struggled to sleep and this morning apparently he was still hot last night without me! I wonder if he is pregnant????? LOL!