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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

How do I make up my mind?

15 replies

littlefrog · 25/09/2006 08:29

Please, it'd be really nice to hear what other people would do in my position.
I've had two miscarriages (one very recently, at 10 weeks; the other many years ago, which almost nobody knows about) and I'm now pregnant again.
I've been extremely unwilling to tell anyone at all (other than my husband of course) about this pregnancy, even though I've known all along that if this pregnancy went wrong then there would be no way that could be a secret. Anyway, I'm 13 weeks today, and we had a perfectly ok scan last Friday: baby not moving much, but a heartbeat and hands and feet etc. all visible.
But I still don't feel like I want to tell anyone. I did tell my sister last night, but I'm not at all sure I'm ready to tell other people yet.
The thing is, I'm not really sure that I will ever feel 'ready' - what is it that I'm waiting for now, after all? Do I just have to 'bite the bullet' and tell everyone? If I put it off now, then when will I feel happy to share our news? Do lots of people have these kinds of feelings of worry and vulnerability about telling folk, or am I some kind of freak?
Advice/experiences would be so helpful...

OP posts:

3andnomore · 25/09/2006 08:43

lf..you don't have to do anything...just wait and see how you feel for now and if you want to tell then do so, and if not...well...you won't be hiding this secret for ever anyway ;)
I wish you all the best and a happy and healthy pregnancy!

sallyrosie · 25/09/2006 08:45

I had a missed mc at 10 weeks and am now 39 weeks pg. I told everyone after our scan but it didn't seem real. I still don't feel convinced that I am actually going to have a baby (and I have an older child already)
The way I thought about it was that once I'd seen the scan it was a baby to me, and if anything happened I would want the support of my loved ones, so they needed to know what was going on.
I think that you should tell people when you feel that you want to, let it happen naturally. They may have guessed anyway.

TheBlonde · 25/09/2006 08:47

Just tell people when you feel ready
You don't have to announce it or tell everyone at the same time
If you meet up with someone and feel like sharing your news go for it but if not don't worry

Original poster

littlefrog · 25/09/2006 08:51

Thank you, both of you, for the advice. You're quite right, it's not a secret that I can keep forever - it's just that I feel torn between guilt from keeping this from those who love me, and my muddled unwillingness to let go. I think my parents may have guessed already, actually, and whilst I don't want to hurt their feelings by cutting them out, I'm also very nervous about telling them, as my mother was (unintentionally, I'm sure) SO insensitive and unhelpful about my miscarriage. Oh, it feels so complicated!

OP posts:

mazzystar · 25/09/2006 08:57

Just tell people individually, as it feels natural. Or you could "leak" it to one or two people and let them pass on the lovely news. IME close friends and family do like to be told personallly though.

I told friends and work colleagues one by one, both times, in the course of meeting up or normal conversations. Some people knew at 6 weeks (and had the decency to keep schtum too) others not till more like 18 weeks, when really, they would have had to be a bit dumb not to notice.

People will be so pleased for you when you do tell them. Enjoy your pregnancy.

mazzystar · 25/09/2006 09:01

Oh my goodness, don't feel guilty, its up to you when you let people know. I've a friend who didn't tell his folks they had a grandchild till the little boy was nearly two, and they got over it!

In the meantime its nice for you and your OH to know and no-one else for a bit, because you do become public property (usually in the nicest possible way) as soon as people know you are pregnant.

incy · 25/09/2006 09:28

With DS1 I did not tell anyone apart from DH until 5 months - I was worried something would go wrong as had a few problems in early pregnancy. After my 20 week scan I felt able to start telling close friends and family - nobody was upset as I explained my reasons to them. Tell people when you feel ready to - the time will come I assure you - you will know when it feels right. Big hug.

Original poster

littlefrog · 25/09/2006 10:25

Well, you do all reassure me, because my sister was saying oh, parents will be upset and left out if you don't say, and do you want them to feel like that? To which the answer is no, but I'm not sure I'm ready to tell everyone either. Maybe after I've seen the midwife, or maybe after two big family occasions are out of the way.

OP posts:

tribpot · 25/09/2006 10:28

You're perfectly entitled to feel fragile about this pregnancy (congratulations, btw). Hopefully when you do decide to tell your parents they'll be too excited about forthcoming grandchild to be concerned about the timing of the announcement. (And if they're not, they should be!)

3andnomore · 25/09/2006 12:03

Awww lf...really don't feel guilty if you are not ready to tell yet...not very nice of your sis to lay a guilt trip on you, it is not as if you are never gonna tell your parents...bet you wished afterwards you hadn't told her, eh!

shhhh · 25/09/2006 12:08

imo all normal feelings after having a mc. I also experienced x2 mc's and even now with my 2nd baby I and dh were reluctant to tell anyone for fear of "jinxing it".

Just tell people as and when you feel you are really.

liquidclocks · 25/09/2006 12:15

You don't need to tell anyone until you want to. I m/c my first in the 2 trimester (not a surprise as we knew there was a problem after the scan) but it meant that I coldn't 'attach' to my 2nd baby - who was fine - and I didn't want to tell anyone either. When you see your m/w she'll be able to get the heartbeat for you to listen to and that may reassure you but if you feel you need to wait until your next scan (though you might be showing by then). I'm sure your parents will understand if they love you but equally, if you do tell them but something goes wrong, they'd probably want to know so they could support you.

Your decision - your timing. Best of luck with the pg!

Tommy · 25/09/2006 12:38

I'm now 19 weeks and I didn't want to tell anyone at first (I had a miscarriage last year) To be hnest I have found it difficult to get excited about it but a couple of weeks ago we told out Dss and they are so excited that a bit of it is beginning to rub off on me now
I mostly didn't tell people until aout 3 weeks ago apart from family and close friends.
Wait as long as you need - it's your baby!

Original poster

littlefrog · 25/09/2006 14:54

It's lovely to hear from others who understand that although it's wonderful to be pregnant again, there are lots of other complicated feelings mixed in with the joy. In one way I don't want people to think 'oh well then, everything's fine now', because it isn't like that. But at the same time it can be odd not telling people who are being kind and sympathetic about this new news.
Thinking about everyone's comments and advice(thank you v much for them) I realise that I've got some kind of a 'hierarchy of telling' in my head that's perhaps unhelpful. Although it may feel a bit odd telling friends before family, maybe that's going to be best for me.

OP posts:

MINNIE1 · 25/09/2006 15:30

Hugs to you, I felt the same way with DD, like you i MC a year earlier and was worried and happy to be pregnant again. I told family at around 4.5 months and other didnt find out till 5 months. Its up to you when you want to tell people. I am PG again and again this time i was well over the 3 month stage before telling people.
Many congrads on your pregnancy i wish you healthy 9 months. Tell the world when your ready..

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