Need to talk, ask questions, no one else to ask

[avianaz]

I've mentally gotten over a lot of the initial panic, like me and my DM have a difficult relationship (Narcissistic, was physically and emotionally abusive growing up but have recently moved out) BUT she loves kids (babies) and she will be a big help.

My ex is/was abusive, has a personality disorder and adds insane amounts of stress to my life and it was tough getting over the idea of being tied to him forever but I'm doing okay. We're trying to get on.
When he told his mother she wasn't happy, he thinks she doesn't believe him. Go figure... have emotionally separated myself from that family.

I have some more worries and general questions that I'm finding more difficult to conclude

1. I've been mourning my sense of identity... my sense of self. I feel like being a mother will erase the rest of me. Is this normal, is it as bad as I imagine?

1. I need time alone, I know my DM will give me breaks, but the idea of something needing me incessantly for everything fills me with dread. I'm scared I will resent my baby. :(

I have a parrot who's very clingy, and he depends on me utterly to live until the end of his life and I don't mind this because I love him, I tell myself it will be similar. I tell myself it's only a baby for so long...

1. The foetus is 6 weeks old, this means I am 8 weeks pregnant right? When I am looking for information I get confused by these two terms. I have hypermesis and I'm desperate for it to end - this ends at 12 weeks pregnant, or when the foetus is 12 weeks old? Which is my 12 week scan?

1. How to deal with judgmental people? I see this a lot, judgmental snide comments made about pregnant women for dying hair, drinking, smoking an e cig, not breast feeding, c fucking sections. It fills me with resentment.

(I don't mean getting drunk, I mean drinking full stop. I socialize in bars and meet up with friends, I will continue to do so in quiet pubs with a glass or two... and I know people will look. :( )

I feel like a different person entirely, self obsessed when at low points, angry and bitter and it shows (sorry). I'm suffering all the time, and I have zero support so I just sleep when I can with the tablets the doctor gave me. They don't take any discomfort away, but merely knock me down.

In times of crisis I analyse and analyse, organized worries are much more manageable, and if there is inevitable suffering I accept it. It would be a monumental help though, to have someone understand and help. :(

I have the same mother as you and also an abusive ex (although am not pregnant with his baby - pregnant with my now DH's baby!) so I think I have a small idea where you're coming from. I am around 30 weeks so don't have a huge amount of authority on this, but can empathise and tell you some of the things I've concluded over the course of my pregnancy.

1. Once you start seeing your body changing and developing it will challenge you to see yourself for who you really are. And it's a good thing. Your feminine beauty will be on display, the wonder of your body will be evident to you. You will probably (I certainly found) love and appreciate yourself more. As your energy starts to dwindle and you mentally prepare yourself for having a baby, you see very clearly what is really important. If something like your career is important or you have ambitions to write a best seller or climb Everest or something, you become more focused about those things, rather than less focused.

1. I also need time alone. I think time alone with your baby feels like time alone with yourself. No-one is judging or watching you (like your mum probably did,) so shouldn't feel intrusive in the same way.

1. All pregnancies are dates from your last menstrual period, even though you weren't technically pregnant for the first two or even three weeks before the sperm met the egg. Always give your last menstrual period and you will find that all the tests you have (even the scans) will tAke that into account. Eg now, if it has been 8 weeks since your last period you could go for an early pregnancy scan. Or, you would have your 12 week scan in a month's time.

1. Dealing with judgement is a life attitude, not just a baby attitude. You will get it pregnant or not pregnant. Are you extra sensitive because of your mother or ex? Don't give importance to other people's opinions. Everybody does things differently. You may have a woman who abides completely by the book with all the dos and don'ts of pregnancy, but who has stress levels which cause her lots of problems. Then a drinking, raw egg eating mother who is relaxed with a big healthy baby.

Hello!

Lovving your organised questioning style.

1. This was my experience with my first pregnancy I shaved my head when i found out I was pregnant i thought there was no point in having hair it would just get in the way seeing as my life was over and would never be the same again (reflecting on this thinking that the people around me should probably have been more supportive after that) I was convinced my body would be wrecked and my life would be over. This did not happen body went back to normal pretty much, life was massively altered but wasn't particularly promising before so altered version turned out to be happier. In my opinion pregnancy only changes people the way they want it to, some people immerse themselves completely in it and it changes their entire lives and they find that very rewarding other people are very different about it for example Karen Brady (apprentice) went back to work after 2 days mat leave.

2. There is a funny sort of connection between you and baba and you might not like it when your baby is not there. That just happens its a bit overwhelming. You get another 7 months of it growing so it incapacitates you first and you forget how life was before anyway so when it finally come out you'll be much more adjusted to the idea than you are now.

3. Morning sickness gets better after 12 weeks so 12 weeks from your last period, it might not stop altogether mine did first time (magic) but did not second time. It usually gets more manageable at 12 weeks.

4. The judgement thing is definitely more prominent when your pregnant for some reason and it doesn't go away. I think its because normally when you choose to do stuff to yourself you dont mind other peoples opinions about it because its your life your body etc, but when your pregnant you have lost control/ownership of your body so other people opinions COULD count and you resent that. You have to accept for the next 7 months this will be the case. You need to be assertive and not over think things. Think "Even though the baby is inside me this is still my body and my business my control" - Nobody will love and care about this baby more than you do so they should not imagine that their opinion is better than yours and you should not allow yourself to think that their opinion is better than yours. I am so envious of assertive mothers who dont worry about the judgemental people I wish I had it.

I hope this makes some sort of sense xxxxx