Hi ladies,
I hope someone can give me a bit of advice based on experience or at least sympathy! I hope I don't upset anyone with the details I will give. I need to give a bit of background first so please bear with me!
I have two children and have also suffered one second-trimester loss (last pregnancy). Both of my live births are, on paper, 'normal vaginal births' but both were very traumatic. My first was a 30 hour induced labour and right at the end after a lot of struggling my contractions stopped, my son's heartbeart dropped and his head had crowned. I was screamed at to push even though my body wasn't helping me and they literally pulled him out with their hands. He was born virtually lifeless and had a very low APGAR score but they brought him round and he is now a well 8 year old.
My second I decided to give home birth a try as it was a textbook pregnancy unlike my previous and I was very aware that the hospital situation didn't help me before. Everything went fine physically except the hospital didn't respond quickly enough and didn't see me as a priority as I was in labour. As I was approaching the end the labour ward told my DH over the phone to call an ambulance as they couldn't help me (ie. the midwife won't make it despite several panicky phone calls). Two ambulances were called but my DH ended up delivering her with the 999 call centre talking him through it, nobody else was there. This too was traumatic, especially feeling so alone and vulnerable with the first birth as it was.
I suffered PND with both of my live births and although unconfirmed with losing my son last time at 17 weeks I also suffered it then and was on medication all three times. In the last few weeks I have developed terrible anxiety, panics, sadness and what most people would see as a completely irrational fear that something will happen to the baby or me during labour and that my two children will not have a mummy anymore. I am feeling grief for my loss and fear for the forthcoming birth to the point that I am always crying if anyone asks me about it or laying awake at night doing the same.
I have good support, I have been seen by a Consultant Midwife at my hospital who has put me in touch with a counselling service. In light of my fear I have now been referred to a Consultant Midwife who reviews history and birth plans. I am also seeing a consultant this week too. My counsellor also phoned me yesterday to say that she is referring me to another type of counselling, CBT so I am worried that it looks like the depression is hitting me again and I look like I am not coping.
My question is that I am thinking of talking through the options for an elective cs for this birth due to my mental health. I feel bad for even thinking about putting myself through one but all I can see at the moment is three previous labours, all traumatic. I feel like I will be 'punished' for carrying this baby to term and not the last one, like perhaps I am only supposed to have one child. An ELCS would at least help me prepare and should deliver my baby safely, the uncertainty of the other option is just too terrifying to contemplate.
I would really appreciate it if anybody else has been in a similar situation or even if you think I may be right to discuss this. It's not that I haven't had a VB birth before, I have had 3 very different, terrifying ones and I think it is my loss that has changed everything now. I feel lost and scared at what is approaching and feel like I am preparing for another bereavement, not a happy event. I am also going to post this on the PND forum too.