FFS - kicking DP up the arse

[Kiterun]

DP is driving me INSANE. He's been a total passenger throughout this pregnancy (am 37 weeks and it's our first)...

-I've had zero help with sorting the house out - despite fact I work full time and am exhausted (to the extent I have to ask family and friends to come and help cos I cant do it myself, yet this doesn't shame him into action).

-He has let me pick up the bill for every single baby related item. While he treats himself to a new laptop and other things he doesn't need.

-He's warned me that he'll have to spend paternity leave working so he doesn't get behind (well stay at bloody work then).

I'm now a big festering ball of resentment, and am feeling very apprehensive at the prospect of his selfishness continuing once baby arrives, leaving me to do all the hard work. I've been reduced to tears on a regular basis cos I feel so alone and desperate about it all - but that has no effect on his behaviour and is dismissed as hormones.

I've tried to explain that I need a bit more support - but just get defensive comments back about how he works full time so is pretty tired himself (he does a standard office job, nothing back breaking) and painting me as some awful nag.

I'm usually very independent so never really picked up on this as an issue in the past, cos I never had to rely on him to do anything. But I do need his help now and so will the baby when it arrives - I have a horrible feeling we aren't going to get it.

I had to have a rant on mumsnet, I cant unleash this on friends and family as it'll make them think he is a total prick which probably wont help the situation much. :-(

Dont know why that link appeared in my rant - very odd.

Oh I feel for you. Certainty no the feeling my DP is the same brought nothing for baby this time around. Been extremely lazy also doesn't help me says I'm "pregnant not ill" etc makes me so angry.

I'm now 34 weeks and had a bad bleed last weekend and have been warned not to do much no heavy lifting etc and he's actually got the cheek to say he wants to go out drinking on Friday night erghhh. My list could go on and on...

Hope things change a bit for you when baby comes xx

Whats your relationship with MIL like - i.e. Couldshe be making things worse by telling him not to bother or is she the kind that if you told what an arse hes being would give him a kick up the backside?

You could speak to your midwife, they quite commonly have to help give new dads a bit of a talking to and generally approach it like a chat they have with all new/first time dads. That may just help to drive home that you actually need his help and are not just being hormonal and silly.

Also financially i honestly dont see how you can have completely seperate finances and make it work. I really think you need to come up with a new way. Even if its just a joint account you both pay in so many % of your wages into, soley for baby things.

Hopefully he will change when baby is actually here but he might not, so be prepared for a very difficult first few weeks and consider whether youll give an ultimatum if he doesnt get his arse in gear.

Yes, do get the joint account sorted now. Otherwise you risk being in that situation of Your money - His money while you earn sod all and he's got all his earnings, which he'll insist is his alone... It is family money, when you have a child together, don't let him tell you any different.

If you're not married and you're about to have a child together you need to ensure you're financially protected, given his apparent attitude to the costs of child-rearing.

Have you tried to couch it as solutions rather than issues - ie not "I feel unsupported", rather "I need you to plan not to work while you're on paternity leave, because I will be busy feeding a newborn and will need you to prepare all of the meals, keep the house somewhat presentable (washing, nappy disposal, basic tidying etc) and look after me if there are issues with recovery from the birth. For me this is not negotiable, as I also see it as symbolic of you recognising that our lives change forever once the baby is born".

You can have separate bank accounts IF you talk openly about money. We have to (DH works in a sector with weird archaic financial rules ... really would be more hassle than worth, & I am main breadwinner) but DH wouldn't dream of not chipping in and I just tell him when we need to save.
It would not work if he wasn't proactive.

Your DP sounds slightly spoilt and unrealistic tbh. Are there any experienced dad's he knows that you could sit him down with so they say "THIS IS HOW IT IS" loud and clear as a "good dad" wake up call?

What squizita said. It might be that he needs to hear it from someone in his peer group.

Having a new baby is hard. Having one unsupported is worse. It will break your relationship irretrievably if he carries on in this vein. You need to start communicating openly about it all or you will turn into a big festering ball of resentment.
You will need him on pat leave to help get you up and running - if you have a CS you won't be able to drive, for instance, and you may have stitches which make dancing about the house doing all the housework impossible. If you are breastfeeding, getting this established can take a lot of your time, so you will need to make sure he is helping you get drinks, food etc. so you're not starving or thirsty as it is physical hard work too.
That said, my DH did have to go in a couple of times following the birth of our first DC (I delivered at 36 weeks so his handover wasn't complete), his work made it up to him later by allowing him to have extra paid leave to compensate. He was doing as much as he could though, cooking, cleaning, washing, nappies, baths etc.).
Financially again you need a frank discussion. You don't have to have a joint account, but he will need to contribute financially or you will resent it. You need to think about yourself and your baby in all of this a bit more.

I would tell him that if he's going to work through his paternity leave, rather than take it for what's it's for - helping establish his family - then he would be better off going to work. Let him explain to his colleagues why he's not taking paid time off to do his bit.
Furthermore, as he is not going to be there, you will be need to spend money on buying in the assistance that he isn't prepared to give.
Does he come to the m/w appointments? If so, bring it up in front of her - my husband feels he has too much work to assist US while he's on paternity leave - do you know of any organisations that can help me find my feet over the first few weeks. Surely he'd feel embarrassed??

Tbh if lost on relationships for advice, I think you're right to be concerned, my friend's dh sounded similar down to the splashing out on expensive items for him and it ended in a divorce and one for her. Maybe he's better than he sounds, because he sounds very immature and selfish. I'd line up family support in case he lets you down, but I think you should sit him down face to face and tell him what his share of everything is, financially, emotionally and in terms of practical support for you. My dh did all the cooking post partum for well, months when I was bf, and was up at nights for all to his paternity leave.

Sorry typos, my friend got pnd not one...lack of support is a huge factor. I hope you manage to sort this out.

Thanks all - am working on the joint account, we'd made separate accounts work pre-baby but evidently we need to be a bit more formal.

I had a meltdown at my midwife appt last week - she could tell something was wrong and asked me what was up - cue full on snotty sobbing while I told her how alone I felt. She suggested he come to the next appt so she can have a word - but I was a bit mortified at the idea and feel like it could go wrong and just make him more distant.

I think I'll have another go at explaining to him that he's going to have to step up otherwise he's going to have a new mum with a nervous breakdown on his hands as well as a small baby to care for.

LBNM19 - I hope things improve for you too and you get the rest you need x

The midwife wouldnt talk to dp like it was a telling off. They normally do it like its a chat they have with all dads about how things are going to change with a baby and the support you need now and once babies born.

I think sometimes you can feel a bit distant from one another if they haven't been able to visit scans or even midwife appointments with you etc? It might all change and feel
"real" for him when your baby is here, and I really hope it does for you. Have you got a supportive family if u desperately did need them at all? It will help you to feel less alone. I agree with the other ladies, and take him to your next appointment. Just say that the midwives always recommend that the partner comes with for the last appointment to prepare you both together! Let us know how you get on. Best wishes

Poor you :( If I was you I'd be making any opportunities for your OH to get involved with the pregnancy, mine hasn't been to any midwife appointments but I don't think it's that uncommon? You could say it's one where the midwife suggested dads come? Mine started off fairly rubbish (with some good-ish reasons.. ) but as I've gotten bigger and he's felt the baby move a lot, has become a lot more helpful and sympathetic as he's actually realised what hard work we're doing in being pregnant! In a way it's a bit annoying as I felt far worse in the first 4 months and needed help then.

Maybe he just needs to get his head around the reality of what's happening (hopefully) and as others said, if possible get support from both of your families. Hope things work out!

Mine was always saying how much he would look after me and how things would change when we had a baby. Then I got pregnant and it was time to step up. He didn't. I had a really Rough pregnancy, and worked full time long hours until 32 weeks. He was shit. I got the same about him working full time and it was hard for him too. I worried what it would be like when baby got here. He's helpful in some ways,but I have to ask him to do everything, and sometimes I just want him to be thoughtful and do things off of his own back. I do all housework, feeds (I am bf) nappy changes, bathing, clothing changes, washing..... Everything. I tell him he doesn't do enough, but all I get is 'I'm trying'. He's not. I'm full of resentment, he's got a stinking cold right now and I've made a point of not giving any sympathy. I'm looking after one baby, not a huge man baby too! I hope he does change when the baby gets here, but to be truthful he probably won't. It's whether you put up with it or not. Good luck xxx

Maybe he's scared? He might be unsure of what to do and what will happen, so is pretty much sticking his head in the sand. Once the baby's born he may change when he sees the little one and realise what's going on. Be patient with him even though it's hard. Give him a chance but make it clear you need his support. I think a joint account is a good idea as well!!

Just something to mention re joint accounts. .. A few friends if mine have had issues with either a mean or downright irresponsible spouse. It isn't a magic bullet! I've heard of it not being topped up because he emptied his account on crap so the s.o. failed, spending FROM the account, or becoming very mean and controlling about what is "needed" for the child (eg mum and child both have a burger king: dad claims she should have paid for one from the joint but one from her account). Someone I know even pumped money into the joint account for 4 hours (removed it after) to limit his wife's legal aid during a divorce!

So while it USUAL makes things easier, it is no substitution for actually getting to the root of financial differences. Otherwise it can make them even more inconvenient and upsetting!

Have you really sat down and had the important discussions about how things will work once the baby arrives?

How will your money work, ahve you discussed the expected expenses and how these will be met, esp if you are taking maternity leave? When you go back to work (if you do) how will childcare be covered (both finacially and practically)? If he is already saying his job is harder than yours and presumably more importnat is he assuming your carer will stop/retreat while his continues but he will be the only one to benifit from his increased pay and oppourtunitues. Once kids are involved unless you are truley splitting all care and costs 50/50 you have to see your finances and well being as a family, as a combined thing.

On a practical level, if he really needs to work then thats a shame but he should just stay and do that and you need to pay for/arrange other help. He can't moan if you need your mum/sister/whoever to stay for a few weeks while you recover and find your feet. He also can't expect you to be on baby duty 24/7, when he comes home from work everythign is 50/50 if you are bf he needs to be cooking, cleaning, bathing baby, diapering etc as needed, no one sits down until you both sit down. He can't come in and relax, every eveing and expect you to be doing everything for him. Also nights, and mornings we've always split the weekends so we each get one full nights sleep, and a lie in, but you have to work out what works for you, don't be sucked into the premis that he needs more sleep because he works, so on top of sleeping every nighh al week he needs to sleep both weekend days as well.

As others have said I don't think this is going ot fix itself and getting the midwife to talk to him could help, if you don't get anywhere with restarting the discussion yourself.