Scared of childbirth

[FelicityMorse]

I wrote this on the nine reasons I scared of childbirth.. mums are now telling me this is the least of it.. is it really that bad? Someone just sent me a link to something called a 'cheeseburger crotch' and another person told me she had a really toned tummy so all her muscles ripped. HOW DO YOU DO IT www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/why-im-afraid-of-childbirth-9721156.html

POint by point.

1. Defecation. I didnt. And my first postbirth poo was trauma free. It was a normal pooing experience.
2. Tearing. This did happen to me. I didnt feel it happen, but I did feel it being stitched up and was sore for a good couple of weeks afterwards (which no one had warned me about)
3. Giving birth twice. The placenta just flopped out. Less effort that doing a poo.
4. The bump stays after birth. Yes I didnt know about that until I went to leave hospital! But it does go back in, it just takes a while. Snapping back is a misleading term (at least it was in my case).
5. The baby is ugly. Spot on. I thought I'd given birth to Voldemort. But then after a few hours, DS was the most singularly beautiful baby I'd ever seen.
6. the baby wont come. Well c sections account for what, 25% of all births, so you've got a 3 in 4 chance of your baby coming naturally. And my friend who had a c section never shuts up about how wonderful it was, even though I wish she would.
7. Alcohol. Yes you can. Just not to excess. A glass of wine with a meal on Saturday night is fine.
8. Milk. Well the first 3 days its watery colustum (spelling anyone?) which is packed full of - mind blank cant remember. And then afterwards it looks more milky. But you dont ever see it unless you express it or your baby throws up. I dont remember how it smells.
9. Sex. It's not the same I'll admit, but it's just different.

And the friend who wouldnt shut up about the c section got hamburger fanny. Although thankfully she didnt feel the need to show me!

Honestly, it's one day in your life. And I think the worst part was actually the sheer exhaustion.

I had a mum who had a challenging birth tell another mum - who was scaring me - to shut up! Apparently a lot of it sounds dreadful but you get on with it and it gets better (this is from the lady who had injuries).
As for the sex thing ... she said the main reason you don't is sleep becomes such a precious commodity for 2 or 3 years! In all seriousness a mw advised if it hurts a few months after speak to a GP as there are things that can be done (usually it is down to a scar which can be lazered) - she was very clear on this, that "putting up" should not be done!

...Googling hamburger fanny

Don't even want to know. Probably know the medical name from my ill advised reading of gynie books when worrying...

I didn't poo though I kind of wish I had, I was so constipated I think it slowed the labour down! I didn't tear either.

I did find birthing the placenta painful but I think I was unusual in that. Not painful compared to the rest of it all mind…

People are very variable in when or if they lose baby belly. Most do though, it just takes a while.

Sex wasn't great for the best part of a year, nope. Then I got my periods back and it was absolutely fine thereafter. Back to daily sex by the time we were conceiving no. 2 15 months later. No difference.

Alcohol - you are correct, 9 months of teeny occasional glasses of wine just sucks. Which brings me to - birth is definitely tough, but it's only one day not 9 bloody months of it. Pregnancy is much worse!

Weebairn- daily sex?! Please tell me that was just when trying to conceive?
They seriously need more emojis- I want to do the wailing face.

Oh yeah and I agree- pregnancy is much worse. There. I said it. Bloody 'orrible!

No I was just really randy as soon as my periods came back… we had sex most days for several months until I got knocked up and then I was too sick and miserable so we stopped having it frequently. Toddler nap time at weekends and immediately after toddler was asleep were the main fling-our-clothes-off times!! Good times!! We have put Peppa Pig on in order to have quickies in the other room, does that win some sort of bad parenting award?! But it did take a good year before it felt "right" again which no one had really told me about.

Now I am 37 weeks and massive and hormonal and still sort of have sex every now and then but it's CRAP. If you find that wailing emoji I will use it too!

-avoiding googling hamburger fanny-

Oh Lordy. Well I'm happy for you no I'mnotI'mmassivelyjealous--

But maybe it's because when I was carrying our babies so was my husband... Except his is called beer and crisps and pizza. And I lost my baby weight... He still has his aaaanyway... Slightly off topic.

Strike out text fail

My boyfriend got fat with the baby (helpfully holding her all night whilst eating and watching films - god he loved the newborn stage!) and then skinny chasing the toddler (he went part time when I went back to work). So maybe you need to get him to do some toddler-chasin'

Actually, my DP is a bastard for losing weight while I am pregnant. As if I am not hormonal and body conscious enough already! He looks HOT right now!What an absolute bastard. And he claims he still finds me attractive and tries to sneak in more shags, which generally makes me shout at him, or weep. Oh well only another month of this shite to go!

We have had very shag-happy periods of our relationship (which is long) and dry spells - enough of both now that we are not too worried that they will ever last forever, either way. Sorry - we are a bit off topic here.

You don't know what kind if birth you're going to get - just go in to it open minded and prepare mentally for potential things going wrong such as needing some intervention and it will be fine.

I didn't poo during birth on the bed - but I pooed a lot in early stages of labour in comfort of my own home on the loo

I had a small tear that needed a few stitches - and I swear to go she stitched me up neater than I was before!

Placenta just came out easily after injection - didn't even notice it as was enjoying gas and air quite a bit by that point!

First day after birth was weird for bump - I felt like nothing was holding my belly up anymore and I found myself holding it up when going to the loo at the hospital ! It went away very quick with breast feeding as that helps uterus contract

I did not think at any moment my baby was ugly and would have killed anyone who said she was - I cried and cried at how amazing she was with her big black eyes blinking at me and her surroundings!

My baby came quick! 3 pushes in the end! Lucky I know!

I did and do have the odd glass of wine but am honestly not that arsed about having any more.

Breast milk smells sweet like carnation milk I thought. Even baby sick doesn't smell that bad from breast milk.

Sex was a bit dry for me at first, but a bit of ky jelly sorted that out !

I had six pack before birth and got it back in less than 6 months - with exercise of course but it wasn't hard. In fact I looked better than ever for a whole as had body back but with massive breast feeding boobies when I was usually pretty small chested.

You'll be fine . Take all the stories and use it to make your expectations realistic - I keep reading stories about thinking positive and breathing the baby out and all that bull shit when it actually bloody hurts - but baby at the end is well worth it!

I think what we need to bear in mind is that all of these horror stories are coming from women who really just want to validate what they have gone through. It's a massive thing- as in life changing. Some of it really does seem quite shocking, but if you ask those same women to come up with a list of positive things they gained from the experience, they would far outweigh the negative. People just need to have a good vent sometimes.

What on earth is cheese burger crotch?? I'm preggy with my 5th and can honestly say my fanny looks good considering I've birthed 9pounders and a 10pounder out of it lol.

I've been on and off the pregnancy/birth boards for a while and honestly this is the first I've heard of that term. I've no doubt I've read about what it is but it must have other slang/proper names too.

On a more serious note... in the last 5 years after multiple miscarriage, diagnosis of a blood condition meaning I had to inject myself every day until 35 weeks, last year a partial molar (where the placenta can develop into a cancer) and now with a potential thyroid tumour triggered (they think) by pregnancy to be biopsied after birth ... I know childbirth will be very painful indeed and I may be injured, but compared to dicing with the big C and losing babies it's a different kind of scary. Scary because it will hurt and I might get scars or pelvic floor weakness etc: but reassuring in that it's what everyone's mum does and has done, it's a known unpleasant thing ... not a mysterious illness with oncologists and hematologists and endocrinologists umming and ahhing and looking grave as they analyse bloods and whisper... :(

Honestly? I've had severe anxiety about childbirth. To the point that I had to have help.

I have read a LOT of posts from women who have fear of childbirth and the reasons behind it on MN. Truthfully though, their posts are generally very well educated and reasoned. They are articulate and well written. They have very legitimate fears based on their life experiences and usually a good understanding of risk.

I find that article somewhat damaging, in the sense that it doesn't explore anything at any level. Its shallow. And that doesn't help women who genuinely suffer from clinical anxiety. There is much taboo over the subject and there is a real struggle for women to be taken seriously and to express the reasoning behind their fear. Many are particularly vulnerable women who have real need for compassion and sympathy. Instead they are thought of as weak or pathetic.

That article is a very good opportunity wasted. Why didn't you do some research BEFORE writing it? Its incredibly poor journalism that does a lot of women a massive disservice.

If you have real anxieties about childbirth, at least take the time to explore that fear and if you write about it, do a more productive piece than that dreadful essay. I think that virtually every women who I have seen post on MN about their fears about childbirth, have done a better job than that.

All and all it sounds incredibly immature and doesn't reflect any of the posts I've read on here; I think you have a little bit of growing up to do before having a child regardless of your fears.

I didn't poo. I thought I needed to, I was holding it in for about an hour until I finally told them I think I need to poo, they examined me and I was 10cm and crowning, I'd been 10cm for about an hour and the 'poo' was DD

I tore badly (two hours of stitching) and honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I used to squirm inside when I thought of tearing. I didn't feel myself tear (gas and air is great stuff) and I barely felt the stitching, the only reason I felt it is because local anaesthetic isn't very effective on me.

I had the injection to deliver the placenta. Definitely didn't hurt, just felt a bit odd!

You can't generalise birth by what other says. I had a 3-day induction, going from pessary to drip, and they were really ramping up the drip amount every half an hour, with no epidural, and an almost-3rd degree main tear, with 2nd and 1st degree 'branches' coming off it. By all accounts I should've been screaming constantly and traumatised.

I had a fantastic experience. Gas and air was a godsend, I had fantastic midwives and a great consultant, and I just went with the flow. My 'birth plan' had gone out the window when I had to be induced, so I had no expectations or hopes for it. Just to get through with a healthy baby! Well I got that and much more besides; will always remember singing Hakuna Matata with my birth partners and the midwives there's a load of factors that can affect your birth experience, and one of the biggest ones is pure luck!

Red agreed. There is even a high horse comment on the article which brands the worries pathetic and makes wild claims like tears being rare and breastfeeding being easy.
Not what you want to read if you're genuinely anxious or know childbearing isn't easy for everyone from past experience.
The flippant tone makes light if some serious upset (eg. Women who cannot breastfeed and get pnd from guilt, women who are scared of them or their baby dying, women who have had sexual assault or fear hospitals).
Yuk I'm going to poo ... not on the same level.

...comment from a reader I mean.

People who say breastfeeding is easy were either very lucky or are lying

I drove myself crazy trying to breastfeed. The guilt I felt when I switched to formula was compounded by people saying 'breastfeeding is so easy'.

Totally Moomin. I think it's high time people start being honest about how difficult establishing breastfeeding is. I struggled with my first who refused to latch properly, despite no tongue tie, and felt so guilty to switch to formula that I used a nipple guard along with pumping for 6 months just so that I could breastfeed. I was engorged for months and developed mastitis- I had an over supply which can be just as horrific as under supply. Excruciatingly painful. Second time around I was determined to get to the point where I enjoyed feeding (as frankly I never enjoyed a second of it with my first) and it took a good 8 weeks for the pain to go away. It still hurts sometimes but not to the point I am in tears any more. And yes I am 'doing it right'. Whoever said 'if it hurts you are not doing it right' is wrong wrong wrong. It does hurt (for a lot of women- not all) and if people expect that it might be painful, and not straight forward then they might feel more realistic about it instead of putting so much pressure on themselves.

Anyway as an aside, it's totally natural to feel fearful of all of these things.and hearing from people who have had the fears but come out the other side can be reassuring, but not to make light of those who have had traumatic experiences.